I need a job

So, I have been trying to speak with someone about a factory job. I was told to go in today and fill out an application. So I went...then they told me that I have to go online and do it. So they gave me the web address, I went home and applied. I really hope I hear something from them. This would be a good direction for me to go. I don't need to go back to working in restaurants. It is not a good environment for me, and I would just be unhappy. I need a change. But honestly, I would take anything right now.

I really miss hanging out, going out with friends downtown, having some drinks. I have really been wanting to do that lately. But I am not even going to try to do that right now. I hate having to get people to pick me up, and get rides and all that. I just feel like I am losing so much time in my life. That part makes me sad.

If I haven't gotten a job by the time I get my tax money back, I think I am just going to use that to get my license back. Because, not being able to drive is limiting things, A LOT. My mom will only give me a ride to work if it isn't too far of a drive. So that makes it a bit harder.

I get excited when I think about getting back on track. Finally making money, paying off my restitution..even though that will take a million years, paying my mom and step-dad back....and moving on. Being on my own. Getting out of this place.

I guess I am doing alright. As best as I can considering. I just want to put everything behind me. I have accepted that I have really screwed up, I just have to try to fix it.

Probation

So, I had to check in with my probation officer today. He told me I was really behind on paying the money back. I told him I have no income, and I am really trying to get a job. He was like.."Well..what do you think I should do?" I said please at least let me see how my interview goes today. So...he extended my probation from 1 year to 5 years. UGH. I guess at least I wont have to pay so  much monthly, when I do start making money. I really wish I didn't have terrible credit.  I wish I could get a loan. :( I just want to take care of this and move on with my life. Its just...it really feels like there is no end in sight. I know its my own fault though.

Anyway...I have to be at my interview at 2:30. I won't get my hopes up though.

90 days

So, it has been 90 days for me. And it has NOT been easy. I have pretty much just stayed to myself the whole time...a little bit of time was spent with my sister. I pretty much just haven't had a life. But how is it possible to have a life when you are pretty much helpless..no car, no job, no friends....and not worthy of anyones time?

I do have SOME kinda good news. I have an interview tomorrow. I really, REALLY hope it turns out well. You have no idea. But...with my criminal record..I don't think it will. I also have to check in with my probation officer tomorrow. At least I have the interview news to tell him. I am sure I will have to take a drug test. This will be the first time I won't be worried about failing it.

I have been having a lot of thoughts about what all has happened these last few years. Some of it I can't believe. A lot of it is remembering just how incredibly sad and alone I felt. And abandoned, lost.. I had pretty much given up. I didn't care. I didn't want to be here. The high was all that I DID care about, and it was the only thing that did make me happy. Funny, since it really made everything so much worse.

These past several months, I have felt so lost, so stuck in a rut, with no way out in sight. But I think things will get better. They have to. A job is the first step. I so hope I get one soon.

I hope everyone is doing well...  

:-)

43 Days

It's been 43 days of not using. Amazing. And I feel ok. Besides my personal issues. And they are much more obvious now that I am sober. I am unhappy. I need a job. I need a life. The only life, and fun I have..is with my sister. Which has totally caught me off guard. But she has really helped me out, just by spending time with me. I am ashamed of my life. I need to become a better person, build a life for myself. I just celebrated my 29th birthday. Wow...29. I am just not sure how I feel. But I AM sober.

I havent even really felt like updating later. I just don't have much to say.  :(

I am going to bed now...

Not sure what to think..

Ok..so I have not talked to me ex in about 11 months. He broke my heart terribly. I went through a lot of pain and suffering, a lot of stuff happened, and he got another girl pregnant. I thought we would be together forever. When our breakup happened, I emerged myself in the drugs...thats all I could do to forget the pain and sadness. We broke up well over a year ago...I havent even gone on a date or anything with anyone.

Well...I received an email from him today. It weird because I was thinking about him a lot a few days ago. He was asking me how I am and how my family is. He lives with his girlfriend and daughter...he shouldnt be messaging me. It took me SO long to even get close to getting over losing what we had, it still hurts. And now he wants to start talking to me like he cares. It's just not right. I didnt write him back, not even sure if I want to. I know if I talk to him he will want to hang out, and will act like he care and convince me to spend time with him. It will just screw with my head.

Anyway,,I stll havent used heroin, Its been about 3 weeks. I still need a job though,

It i 4 am and I cant sleep   :(

Slowly Getting Easier

So, I have not used heroin in 18 days. It is on my mind at least once a day, but not constantly like before. I dream about it every few days.

I am not doing much though, I have been staying to myself. I didn't leave this house for about 15 days. Finally, my sister came over..we went to the store, then came back home and hung out...joked, laughed..it was fun actually. I hadn't laughed in a very long time. I appreciate her doing that.

Everything seems so far out of reach. I have dug myself a very deep hole, and I don't know how to get out of it. If I could get a job, that would be the first step. If I start making money, and get my license back, I think I will gain the confidence to move forward. But I am having a really hard time. Honestly, sometimes it just seems easier to just give up, to leave this world for good.

But all in all, I suppose I am doing better, without the heroin. Although I do wish I could get high sometimes. But I know that is out of the question right now, and I am ok with it.

These past few years, since I have been going through my addiction, I never treated myself with anything. Well, other than the heroin of course. But I mean, I never bought myself anything, went on any trips, I never really cared for myself.  I just didn't think much of myself I suppose. And unfortunalely, those feelings are still there. Especially when all I think of is...I am an addict,, I was shooting up heroin, lied to all my friends and family, stole, went to jail...how can I feel good about myself and think that I am worth anything? That is my main issue right now.  I think that is why it is so hard to move forward..I have no motivation to do it..what is the point? But I am working on that.

A year ago, I remember thinking that I would be using heroin forever. I didn't see any end in sight. I have gone through so much these past few years..it is hard to think about.  Maybe things will be much different in another year.

So, I have a problem. When I am getting to know a guy, and we are learning about each other, am I supposed to let him know about my problem, my addiction? So many times, I want to tell him, because I want him to truly know me, but then I get scared. I am afraid of being judged and being looked down on. I feel like noone really knows me.