Becoming too much of a hassle

I have noticed how much control this heroin has on my life. It is sad...when I cannot get in touch with my dealer, I become completely depressed, angry and very withdrawn. I obsess over it, trying to get in touch with him. Then when I finally do, you would think I won the lottery. It is ridiculous.

Lately, I have been doing too much. My dealer has actually been giving me a lot of credit, because I always pay it back. I am about to be up to $150 on credit today, if he helps me out this one last time. He told me I am getting too high, and I need to cut back and that he can't keep doing this.  He is right. This heroin just isn't keeping me high as long as it used to.  :(

I have moved on to shooting up in my wrists and hands. My arms look terrible. Mostly because I need new syringes. It is getting harder to hit my veins. But I am getting pretty good at getting the small ones in my hands.  

Anyway...I just wanted to post something real quick. I haven't been updating as much lately.  I have been obsessing over heroin. If I did quit, I don't know what I would do with myself, with my time.

Anyway.......I'll write more later.

Well Hello

It has been over a week since I have posted. The last time I updated, I was worried about the drug test that I had to take for work. I know that I failed it. But my bosses have yet to say anything to me about it. So I am very confused. Does it really take this long to get results?? I have still been scoring heroin every day.  Sometimes I take a step back, and look at my life. Just yesterday, I was thinking, "How in the hell did I get to where I am today?  A heroin addict." I can't believe where I am at in life. It is pretty disappointing. I know what I need to do in order to fix it, I just can't seem to find the motivation to do it. I suffer severely from depression, and I seriously feel like I need the help of something to get through every day. And right now, the heroin is what helps.

So every day I am anxious and on edge, expecting to get fired. But it hasn't happened yet. Every morning I call my dealer and ask him to bring me some heroin to work. Then I call him again when I get off work to bring me some more. Every now and then I ask him to give me some on credit. I always pay him back the next day. Yesterday I asked him to front me some on credit, and he did. I didnt work today, so yesterday I told myself that I would use my suboxone, and try to get off the heroin. I knew I wouldn't have money today, and I knew my dealer wouldn't give me anymore, since I already owe him, so I knew I would HAVE to be without heroin today and figured I might as well use this to try to get clean. When I woke up this morning, I decided to just ask him if he would give me more even though I owe him. I decided that if he wouldn't, then I would just go ahead with the suboxone, but if he would..then I would hold off. I seriously thought he wouldn't give me any. But go figure, he said he would. I know it is not his fault for me not quitting, but everytime I am about to quit, I always test him to see if I can get more out of him, and he always gives me some. When I met him today, he yelled and cussed me out because he is tired of me calling him so early every morning and wanting me to meet him in the same spot, blah blah. I didnt care, I was just glad to have the heroin. I was feeling so very sick this morning. It is so amazing how that shot of heroin will immediately take away those awful sick feelings.

So that is it. Everyday at work I call him, and then sneak away to meet him to get my heroin. It stresses me out, because I have to rush, and worry and hope that noone sees me or notices that I have been gone. Sometimes I think I enjoy living with chaos in my life.

I saved a tiny bit of heroin for in the mornig. I will try to hold off and not call me dealer so early so I don't piss him off. But I may not be able to at all if they decide to fire me tomorrow.

I still have not gotten my license. All I have to do is pay some fines, but I haven't done it yet because I spend all my money on heroin. I feel guilty every day. Guilty that I am behind on some important bills, guilty that I am lieing to everyone.  I don't know what to do. I don't have the strength to quit. I don't have the strength to get through life completely sober.  I need some motivation. I use to think I was so strong.

No news yet...

I am still on edge, waiting on the news that I am fired. But noone has said anything yet. It is killing me. My boss asked me to work in the morning, so of course, I said sure. I need the money! Anyway.....I don't really have anything to say. I need to get to bed, because I have to be at work at 7 am and it is 1 am not. So, GOODNIGHT

Wrong? Or am I overreacting?

I was not fired today. Apparently they don't have the results yet. I am supposed to work tomorrow at 3. I would imagine that they would have received the test results by then. I hope not.

So I got my heroin on my way to work. I did a decent shot, and felt pretty good. I bought some more when I got off, and just did most of it. This is my favorite part of the day. Getting off work around 11 pm...getting my drugs, going home when everyone is asleep. I get the house all to myself, so I get to get really high, and enjoy myeslf. I usually spend the time on the internet, listening to music, and nodding off until I finally decide to get in my comfortable bed, and fall asleep. It is like heaven to me.

So lately I have been doing some snooping. I was looking through my mom's cell phone. She and my sister talk about me a lot. There was one text to my mom from my sister..this is what it said..."Hey, what was Michele's 1st grade teachers name?? I am trying to hack into her facebook account and that is what her security question is.." And so my mom replied with one of my old teachers names...but it wasn't the correct one. So..HAH! But that made me so mad. SERIOUSLY? She and my mom were trying to hack my facebook account, and acting like it is no big deal?! I personally think it IS a big deal. Does anyone else think that is wrong?? There was another text...Last week, my parent's were out of town, so I had the house all alone. I woke up that morning to find that my sister was here. I didn't care, I was just startled..I didnt think anyone was here. My sister sent a text to my mom saying...."Michele seemed aggravated that I was here this morning, I think that is SO FUNNY HAHA!" And my mom replied//"LOL yep that is funy!!" What the hell? It is so ridiculous. There have been things that I have said to my mom that I had hoped she wouldn't repeat to anyone, and later I find out that she tells my sister..  And they wonder why I stay to myself. It hurts my feelings. I really want to confront my mom about it, and let her know that I know of all the things they are saying and trying to hack my stuff and all that, and let her know it hurts my feelings. Now I know...I was snooping through HER phone...but it was because I knew they were saying stuff and doing stuff behind my back. I erally just feel all alone. My family against me.  Oh well.

So Nervous

I have to be at work in 30 minutes. I am so nervous, I hope I am not fired. But I've got a feeling I won't be fired today. I just called up there to see what time I work, and they didnt say anything unusual. I called my dealer, because I am SO nervous, and especially so since I am withdrawing. I took some suboxone, but my heart is racing so badly. Sometimes it doesn't seem to work. I made plans with him to buy some heroin later on my break, when I make money. Then I called him back asking if he would just front it now, and I would pay him when I get off, so I dont have to worry about leaving in the middle of my shift. He agreed! Thank GOD. That means I can do some really soon, and that will make me feel so much better. I CANNOT believe he keeps fronting me liike this! But if I do get fired..I won't have the money to pay him tonight...oops. I will just have to see what happens.

Bad News

Well. the past few days I have been in my heroin fog. Buying heroin, getting really high, running out, getting more. A few days ago, I had my dealer bring me some to work. This stuff he has had recently has been a little stronger. So I did most of it at work. Usually I can hide the fact that I am high.. But when I did this...I kept catching myself nodding out at work. I could barely keep my eyes open. Someone even told me I looked fucked up, but she thought I was just tired. But I was feeling really good, and really happy.  Then all that came crashing down. About an hour and a half before my shift was over...I overheard my coworker saying that our boss just told her she had to take a random drug test today. I was thinking..."Well..I haven't heard anything yet, so maybe I haven't been chosen..." Then my manager called me to the office..he told me I had been selected for a random drug test today, and I had to do it in abut 30 minutes. OH MY GOD.  I was freaking out, but trying to play it cool. I tried to get out of it by saying I had to baby sit and had to be at my sisters....but he said if I don't do this now, I will be fired. :( So what was I to do?..Refuse to take it and be fired?....Go ahead and tell them I would fail and probably be fired?...or Just take test and see what they say? I KNOW that I failed it. For crying out loud, I just did a shot of heroin an hour before I took the test!? OH AND LETS NOT FORGET, I just smoked some crack with this homeless dude 2 days ago! Stupid, stupid me. When I was about to pee in the cup...I thought about pouring some water in it to dilute it, and hope that it would not be able to test correctly. Then I remembered they actually test the temperature right after I give it to them, so that wouldn't work. So I just said, SCREW IT, took the test, and let that be it. I had to work yesterday morning. I thought for sure they would tell me I was fired when I went in. But they didn't say anything, so I guess they didn't have the results.  I go in at 3 today. I KNOW they have to have the results by now, so most likely I will be fired tonight, I am so nervous. I really need to make money. But what is crazy...right after I took the test, I went and bought some more heroin and did it. Even yesterday after work, I got more. But that is it. It has to be. I am about to be fired. And don't have any money..so I just took some suboxone.  I had to tell my mom that I took a drug test and will probably be fired. I didn't hear the end of it. :( Just a huge disappointment.

I am also in some trouble with my last job. I got caught up in a scandal where we took old gift cards that were in the restaraunt...and then cashed them in for money and took the money. It is a long confusing story how we did it...but we ended up getting caught. So I am about to be charged for breach of trust. I am just waiting on my court date. But I just found this out..... After it happened..I had talked to the manager, and begged him not to press charges. He acted like he might just drop it..then I didn't hear anything from him for a while...then a few months went by and I was arrested for it and spent the day in jail. They let me go, and now I am just waiting on the trial. Well...I was on the computer just now..my sister left her facebook logged in, and I read something that she wrote to a friend ( I know, shame on me). But she was telling her friend that my step dad called my old manager and practically begged him to continue wtih this and press charges, because they think this might be the only thing that will help me. So they want me to go to jail. I guess I can understand, they are worried. But it really hurts my feelings and makes me angry that he would do that....it makes me sad. I feel like I have no one to turn to. But I  know, it is my own fault. I have done all these things myself.

I remember before  i went to jail, my mom and step dad were talking to me. My step dad is a cop by the way. They kept begging me to tell them who my dealer was. But I wouldn't tell them. Then they went on and on about how my dealer does not care about me at all, he is not my friend, he is just taking my money and ruining my life, and how they are so mad at him for doing this to me. All I could say was.."It is not his fault"...I mean really. Yes, he sells the drugs. But it is more my fault than his. If he didn't give it to me, I would try to get it somewhere else....he is not forcing me to use heroin.

Anyway. So that is what has been going on these past few days. I am feeling pretty nervous about going in to work tonight. I wonder what all they test for on those tests. We will see what happens....

Helpless

I am feeling pretty helpless to this addiction. This anxiety that I feel when I don't have it...then the excitement and happiness I feel when I do have it. It is such a roller coaster. I will make up any lie, make any promise, if I think it will help get me some. Is this going to go on forever?

I was about to take a break, and use my suboxone. Then my dealer told me he was getting some "brown". He said I shouldn't do as much, because it is a lot stronger. Of course, this MADE me want to try some. So I got some yesterday. It was so much better. Today I woke up....thinking about it.  But I knew I had no money. So I called my dealer, makeing excuses for why I don't have money, and begging him to front me. I am sure I sounded so desparate. But it worked. He is going to front me some. I have given that guy so much money, it won't hurt him to help me out a little.

So I will be getting some in the next hour. Not as much as I would like, beacuse he won't front me that much. But any is better than none.

Every day is the same in this life as an addict. I feel like I am stuck in repeat. The same day, over and over. Everyday, wanting some heroin....doing whatever I can do to get it, then finally getting it just to run out and have to do the same thing over. I am going nowhere with this. And I never will.