Good Morning...

It is 6:30 am. I didn't sleep too well. I woke up with a headache, very thirsty, and bad neck pain because I slept on it wrong the night before. I took some suboxone. I guess I feel 'alright'. Today is day 2. This is actually the longest I have gone in a while. Sad, huh. But a big part of me wants to get really really high tonight. Let's see. If I can make it through my shift at work without calling my dealer to bring me something, that will be amazing. So we shall see. Anyway..I have to get ready. Hope everyone has a good day.

Weird

I was going to say this in my last post, but forgot. Yesterday, when I was in the bathroom, fixing up a big shot, I happened to look down and see a crumpled up piece of paper. I opened it, and something was written in my mom's handwriting. It said, "When you get knocked down, get back up and keep moving forward". I just thought it was really random and weird. And I kept trying to find out where it came from. But I have no idea. I don't want to ask her either. It just seems weird.

These past few days...

Well. These past few days...shame on me.  A few days ago, I had a bag of H....but I did most of it that night. I saved a TINY bit for the next morning. It was such a tiny amount, that I didn't even feel it, and I was really feeling withdrawals. It was 6:30 in the morning, and I had to be at work at 7. I called my dealer. I knew for sure he would not answer, or if he did, he would be pissed at me for waking him. But to mysurprise, he answered, and wasn't mad at all. I asked if he could bring me something to work...well, he said he could but it would be later. Then I asked if I had a car, could I come get it..he said yea. So terrible me, I got to work, then I pretended like there was a small emergency and asked a coworker if I could borrow her car, she said of course. So off I went to get my drugs.  Keep in mind, I don't even have my license. I was paranoid the whole time, trying not to get pulled over. But I made it back, after stopping at a McDonalds to use their bathroom to get high. I felt much better.

My mom and stepdad went out of town for a couple days. So I enjoyed my nights all alone. But spent most of the time high, with no money, and stupid excuses for why I don't have any money.

I bought a suboxone Friday, and had every intention in the world of quitting heroin, at least for a few days. Or at least for ONE day! So Saturday morning, I woke up feeling pretty dope sick. So I take some suboxone. After 30 minutes, I still wasnt feeling that great, so I took more. I got to work at 7 am.  After a couple of hours of being there, I started thinking of how much better I would feel if I had some heroin. Then I started thinking..."It is 9:30...my dealer might bring me something..." And I just couldn't stop thinking about it. And as soon as I started thinking about it, I started feeling much worse, much more dope sick, so that made me think I needed it even more. So I broke down and called him, and he brought me some.   :(  But yes, it did make me feel much better...even after I took the suboxone. I don't know why they tell you you can't get high until a few days after your last suboxone dose...because I took it just 3 hours after, and I felt decently high. I bought even more when I got off work, and did it all that night. I felt pretty good. But again, my mom was wondering why I didn't have any money. I feel really guilty for lying.

But..speaking of my mom. Our relationship is really struggling. The way she looks at me, with such disappointment.  The was she shakes her head at me. With nothing but disgust on her face towards me. It makes me feel terrible, and worthless. I know I have done her wrong, but I feel like she absolutely hates me and is so disappointed in me and thinks I am just a waste.

The last heroin I did was last night. So I have gone one day without heroin. I took some suboxone around 7pm. And this time, it actually made me feel better. I don't understand why sometimes it works better than other times. I am already thinking that maybe I can get some heroin tomorrow.  I don't know if I can ever do this...break away from heroin. I honestly feel like my brain will have to be rewired, or I need to be hypnotised to forget about it. I really don't think I can do this on my own. You would think I would WANT to live a sober life. But I don't. Heroin makes me happy. That is why I say my brain needs to be rewired. It is all screwed up.

Life

I came across this picture the other day. It is such a sweet picture, but also very sad . It depicts life very well for those that have fallen in love, and lived a full life with their partner.  I just wanted to share it.

oops

so a few days ago, I had a suspicion that my mom and sister had found my blog and were reading it. So I panicked and made it private until I found out for sure. Turns out, I was wrong and was just being paranoid. But I thought I had switched the settings back to public that same day, but I must not have! I just tried again to change it to public, so I hope it worked.

Here we go again....

Ok, Let me try to write this while I still can/. Not too much has been going on with me....still on the heroin.  Honestly, for most of the day, and yesterday,  I have had this strange, nervoud feeling in my stomach. But  I will get  into that in a second.

I am listening to Adele's CD right now. I absolutely love it. Bit it is reminding me a lot of when my ex and I were splitting up, and everything that was going on in my life at that time. Music is powerful, I love how it can do that. At least for me it does.

I am having a hard time writing this. My mind is completely blank, seriouly. Ok. I had to pause the music. It takes me to a whole different world. haha

Anyway. I have been working lately, and then buying dope with the cash everyeday. And then I come up with some lame ass lie about why I didn;t make any money that day to tell my mom. I am running out of lies. And I have been doing some shady things at work with the register to get a tad extra cash. It is stupid of me, I really need to stop doing that! I am not REALLY this type of person, it is terrible.
 So tonight, I realized  I didn't have enough money to get enough heroin for the next couple of days(as much as i'd like) because I am off tomorrow and wont be making money.. So my options were to get as much as I can, and MAKE it last by doing very small amounts...or get a suboxone and as much heroin as I can...do all the heroin  at once tonight....and then start using my suboxone tomorrow and try taking a break from this shit, So that is what I decided. I got my suboxone and as much heroin as I could. And I did it all in a shot almost an hour ago.  :) When I did it, I got that feeling that I used to ALWAYS get when I first started. The feeling where my hands and feet tingle, and feel prickly..almost to the point where it is painful...and really itchy, haha, I love it. Then I nodded, not sure how long. But I had all sorts of noddy dreams. I love the nod dreams...it feels SO REAAL. It is so weird. And I start talking to myself out lousd, as if people are really here, It is strange. TRhen I woke up...alll confused and trying to get myself sorted abd realize what is going on. And now I am surfin the web, Or trying to. I am having to keep one eye closed while I type. My vision is all blurry.

But yes, there is one good thing to all this. It is that tomorrow, I am starting fresh. I am quitting heroin, at least for a little while. And I really want to..again, at least for a little while. I have too many things that I realy need to take care of, and I keep pushing that all to the back of my head more and more, as I keep using herpoin.I need to stop doing all this bad stuff, and telling lies. I need to be the good person that I truly amn.

I don't know if anyone really reads this stuff. I guess I do it because I think it is good for me, to have a journal to write all this crap, especially since I keep everything to myself  and bottled up. It feels good to get it out and "talk" about it in some type of way. BUT, if anyone foes read it, aI an sorry about spelling and typing errors. Its taking too much effort to try and reread and fix everything at the moment!

I lost a piece of me in you...I think I left it in your arms....

I had the weirdest dream last night. I was in the car with an old friend of mine. It was late at night, and we had just pulled over and parked in front of some building that was unknown to us. We were acting silly like we always do, listening to music, dancing, just being loud and goofy. All of a sudden we heard a bunch of guns being cocked and then, "FREEZE, PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR AND STEP OUT OF THE CAR, THIS IS THE POLICE!" I didn't know what the hell was going on. I was afraid to move too fast. I put my hands up and yelled out that I had to unlock the door. Then we both stepped out. I had my case that I keep me heroin and syringes in with me. As I was stepping out, I tried to slide it under my seat. I kept thinking, "Dammit, they are going to find it...and then my friend is going to find out that I use heroin!" They took us inside the building..apparently it was some kind of police station/jail. They put us in a room together, and kept questioning us. They left the room. There was a manhole on the floor in the room. My friend used all her strength and moved to cement lid. Then she climbed in it. I asked her what she was doing...she said,"Getting the hell out of here!" I was too scared to do it. After she left, I ran back out to my car to get my bag...they werent keeping us locked in the room. They apparently didn't search our car...my bag was still there. I went back in, and the cop didn't seem to care that my friend had left. So I started thinking.....they have no reason to arrest us and keep us here, they haven't found anything.  So I asked him if I was under arrest and if I had to stay..he told me no. So..I left, all shooked up! And that was pretty much it. Weird huh? Then I woke up dope sick.

I had only saved a tiny bit for this morning, but it didn't do much. I still felt rough. I finally scored around 2:30, before I went to work,

There is a new girl at work now. She came in yesterday to do paperwork. The first thing I noticed about her were her eyes, they were VERY pinned, and glossy. Then today, I had to train her. She mentioned that she is on suboxone. So we talked about that for a while. I didn't mention that I am a heroin addict. I just can't bring myself to tell people. Although, I think it would be good to have someone, a friend especially, that knew about it. Maybe they could help give me encouragement. Instead, I end up making friends with other "users" somehow. But I have a feeling she is using more than suboxone. When I take suboxone, it doesn't make my eyes looks THAT glossy and pinned. Maybe that's just me.

Anyway, when I ordered my syringes online, I put my friends name on it, with my address. My plan was to tell my mom that my friend went out of town and asked if she could send a package here. But my mom wasn't here when it came, so I didn't have to tell her anything. I threw the box away in the trash can in my room. But I put the receipt in a different trash bag in the kitchen, all the way at the bottom. I wanted to play it safe, in case she somehow found it in the trash. Well...yesterday she said.."Why would your friend be getting mail sent to our address?!" And she said it with attitude. So I just told her the lie that I already thought about. She was NOT happy about it, and acted like she didn't believe me. Whatever. But what pisses me off...she went through my trash bag?! Really?! Geez! Good thing I didn't keep the receipt with it!

Well, I guess that is all that has been going on. Nothing exciting.  GOOD NIGHT!