Well. These past few days...shame on me. A few days ago, I had a bag of H....but I did most of it that night. I saved a TINY bit for the next morning. It was such a tiny amount, that I didn't even feel it, and I was really feeling withdrawals. It was 6:30 in the morning, and I had to be at work at 7. I called my dealer. I knew for sure he would not answer, or if he did, he would be pissed at me for waking him. But to mysurprise, he answered, and wasn't mad at all. I asked if he could bring me something to work...well, he said he could but it would be later. Then I asked if I had a car, could I come get it..he said yea. So terrible me, I got to work, then I pretended like there was a small emergency and asked a coworker if I could borrow her car, she said of course. So off I went to get my drugs. Keep in mind, I don't even have my license. I was paranoid the whole time, trying not to get pulled over. But I made it back, after stopping at a McDonalds to use their bathroom to get high. I felt much better.
My mom and stepdad went out of town for a couple days. So I enjoyed my nights all alone. But spent most of the time high, with no money, and stupid excuses for why I don't have any money.
I bought a suboxone Friday, and had every intention in the world of quitting heroin, at least for a few days. Or at least for ONE day! So Saturday morning, I woke up feeling pretty dope sick. So I take some suboxone. After 30 minutes, I still wasnt feeling that great, so I took more. I got to work at 7 am. After a couple of hours of being there, I started thinking of how much better I would feel if I had some heroin. Then I started thinking..."It is 9:30...my dealer might bring me something..." And I just couldn't stop thinking about it. And as soon as I started thinking about it, I started feeling much worse, much more dope sick, so that made me think I needed it even more. So I broke down and called him, and he brought me some. :( But yes, it did make me feel much better...even after I took the suboxone. I don't know why they tell you you can't get high until a few days after your last suboxone dose...because I took it just 3 hours after, and I felt decently high. I bought even more when I got off work, and did it all that night. I felt pretty good. But again, my mom was wondering why I didn't have any money. I feel really guilty for lying.
But..speaking of my mom. Our relationship is really struggling. The way she looks at me, with such disappointment. The was she shakes her head at me. With nothing but disgust on her face towards me. It makes me feel terrible, and worthless. I know I have done her wrong, but I feel like she absolutely hates me and is so disappointed in me and thinks I am just a waste.
The last heroin I did was last night. So I have gone one day without heroin. I took some suboxone around 7pm. And this time, it actually made me feel better. I don't understand why sometimes it works better than other times. I am already thinking that maybe I can get some heroin tomorrow. I don't know if I can ever do this...break away from heroin. I honestly feel like my brain will have to be rewired, or I need to be hypnotised to forget about it. I really don't think I can do this on my own. You would think I would WANT to live a sober life. But I don't. Heroin makes me happy. That is why I say my brain needs to be rewired. It is all screwed up.
You think the SAME WAY I do!! That's exactly what I think-my brain needs to be rewired. If when I quit H, I still thought about it-I feel like i need a whole new brain to wipe out totally all of the memories and feelings, urges, obsessions of H. That word, rewire, is exactly what I use, because that's what I feel is needed-like a exorcism to get the evil, the obsession out of my mind.
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