43 Days

It's been 43 days of not using. Amazing. And I feel ok. Besides my personal issues. And they are much more obvious now that I am sober. I am unhappy. I need a job. I need a life. The only life, and fun I have..is with my sister. Which has totally caught me off guard. But she has really helped me out, just by spending time with me. I am ashamed of my life. I need to become a better person, build a life for myself. I just celebrated my 29th birthday. Wow...29. I am just not sure how I feel. But I AM sober.

I havent even really felt like updating later. I just don't have much to say.  :(

I am going to bed now...

Not sure what to think..

Ok..so I have not talked to me ex in about 11 months. He broke my heart terribly. I went through a lot of pain and suffering, a lot of stuff happened, and he got another girl pregnant. I thought we would be together forever. When our breakup happened, I emerged myself in the drugs...thats all I could do to forget the pain and sadness. We broke up well over a year ago...I havent even gone on a date or anything with anyone.

Well...I received an email from him today. It weird because I was thinking about him a lot a few days ago. He was asking me how I am and how my family is. He lives with his girlfriend and daughter...he shouldnt be messaging me. It took me SO long to even get close to getting over losing what we had, it still hurts. And now he wants to start talking to me like he cares. It's just not right. I didnt write him back, not even sure if I want to. I know if I talk to him he will want to hang out, and will act like he care and convince me to spend time with him. It will just screw with my head.

Anyway,,I stll havent used heroin, Its been about 3 weeks. I still need a job though,

It i 4 am and I cant sleep   :(

Slowly Getting Easier

So, I have not used heroin in 18 days. It is on my mind at least once a day, but not constantly like before. I dream about it every few days.

I am not doing much though, I have been staying to myself. I didn't leave this house for about 15 days. Finally, my sister came over..we went to the store, then came back home and hung out...joked, laughed..it was fun actually. I hadn't laughed in a very long time. I appreciate her doing that.

Everything seems so far out of reach. I have dug myself a very deep hole, and I don't know how to get out of it. If I could get a job, that would be the first step. If I start making money, and get my license back, I think I will gain the confidence to move forward. But I am having a really hard time. Honestly, sometimes it just seems easier to just give up, to leave this world for good.

But all in all, I suppose I am doing better, without the heroin. Although I do wish I could get high sometimes. But I know that is out of the question right now, and I am ok with it.

These past few years, since I have been going through my addiction, I never treated myself with anything. Well, other than the heroin of course. But I mean, I never bought myself anything, went on any trips, I never really cared for myself.  I just didn't think much of myself I suppose. And unfortunalely, those feelings are still there. Especially when all I think of is...I am an addict,, I was shooting up heroin, lied to all my friends and family, stole, went to jail...how can I feel good about myself and think that I am worth anything? That is my main issue right now.  I think that is why it is so hard to move forward..I have no motivation to do it..what is the point? But I am working on that.

A year ago, I remember thinking that I would be using heroin forever. I didn't see any end in sight. I have gone through so much these past few years..it is hard to think about.  Maybe things will be much different in another year.

So, I have a problem. When I am getting to know a guy, and we are learning about each other, am I supposed to let him know about my problem, my addiction? So many times, I want to tell him, because I want him to truly know me, but then I get scared. I am afraid of being judged and being looked down on. I feel like noone really knows me.

:)

These past 2 days have just been great.  I cannot tell you how different I feel. I finally have some feeling, emotionally. I finally feel good at times, happy. It has been 11 days since I used heroin. It has been at least 3 years since I have gone this long without anything. I have life inside of me. I am getting motivation. I am excited about the future, about getting a job...about getting my license back, getting a nice car, meeting some friends. I have no friends. I have no one that I talk to...noone that I hang out with. I wouldn't know what to do being around people and socializing. But I am excited to get to that point.  But first and foremost, I HAVE to get a job. I have to start paying on this probation.

It is just so unreal to me. I keep thinking of how nice it is, not worrying about being sick. But the thing is, I LOVE how the heroin makes me feel. But the truth is, it is impossible to continue life successfully, and use every day with a habit. I still think about it. I dreamt about it the other day. But right now, I am just thrilled that I FINALLY feel good.  Addiction is pure hell. I was so trapped and lost. Even though it was only 2 weeks ago, I look back at that time and see how terribly sad, and lost, and stuck I was.

I am still not 100% back to normal, of course. But I feel very good. I honestly feel like, if I can get a job....my life is going to turn around. I look back to 10 years ago....and I see now how I was suffering then...with addiction and depression. But I didn't realize I was an addict then. But now, it is all so clear to me. I didn't realize I was an addict until I got to my worst. I thought I just really enjoyed using drugs and drinking. Once I found opiates, Roxis to be exact, I lost it all...and then I found heroin and lost even more and stole straight from my parent's house just so I wouldn't get sick.That is when I knew I was an addict.

I have a lot to work on. And I know 11 days is not much...but considering that I haven't gone this long in 3 years...I am happy.


:)

Hey Everyone

Well..First off...I feel pretty good today! I am still sneezing some, and have very light back pain. I still am feeling anxious. But considering how I WAS feeling...I am so thrilled. I still love heroin and miss it....but it isn't on my mind 24/7. I now think of how shitty it makes me feel when I can't get any. It is terrible. It is holding me back. Just going through the roller coaster of using, finding money to score, trying ot make it last, hoping I can score again the next morning...It is so exhausting. It takes everything out of me, and it consumes me. It leaves me with no motivation to live the life that I used to want. No motivation to be successful. No motivation to live, period. And that is the truth. I do wish that I could use it on occasion, rarely...as a treat. But I don't know how possible that is. But I am not going to think of that right now.

I have a lot to work on. It has only been 5 days since I last used heroin. But I have so many obstacles to get through...all brought on by my drug use.  This probation thing is a big hassle, but it has to be done. I really just need a job.

When I went to my first probation meeting, the officer said he is going to refer me to a rehab center. I haven't heard anything from them yet though. I do think I need it. Because as soon as I start making money, I don't know that I can resist the urge to use.

Hopefully tomorrow I will feel even better. And hopefully soon some positive things will start happening in my life!

This is HARD

Hi. So I have not used heroin in 3 days. But in a span of 2 days, I used 2 lortabs...which is not much at all for me. I am not feeling so hot today. I am having back pains, anxiety, and just an overall uncomfortableness.  Plus, the mental thing is really hard today. I have been searching through this house looking frantically for money or something to trade for drugs. But I made myself quit. I bought a bottle of sleeping pills the other day, but my mom took them from me and just gives me one a night. I could use several of those right now.

I hope so badly that I can get some sleep tonight, and feel better tomorrow. I have got to look for a job, but I just can't do it feeling this way.

I found some myrrh oil in my house. I read that it has been known to have a calming, sedating effect, and can help with pain.  So I took some...anything is worth a try. But it taste so nasty!!

Anyway...that is all for now. I cannot wait until I feel NORMAL, and feel GOOD. PLEASE GOD LET IT HAPPEN SOON.