:)

These past 2 days have just been great.  I cannot tell you how different I feel. I finally have some feeling, emotionally. I finally feel good at times, happy. It has been 11 days since I used heroin. It has been at least 3 years since I have gone this long without anything. I have life inside of me. I am getting motivation. I am excited about the future, about getting a job...about getting my license back, getting a nice car, meeting some friends. I have no friends. I have no one that I talk to...noone that I hang out with. I wouldn't know what to do being around people and socializing. But I am excited to get to that point.  But first and foremost, I HAVE to get a job. I have to start paying on this probation.

It is just so unreal to me. I keep thinking of how nice it is, not worrying about being sick. But the thing is, I LOVE how the heroin makes me feel. But the truth is, it is impossible to continue life successfully, and use every day with a habit. I still think about it. I dreamt about it the other day. But right now, I am just thrilled that I FINALLY feel good.  Addiction is pure hell. I was so trapped and lost. Even though it was only 2 weeks ago, I look back at that time and see how terribly sad, and lost, and stuck I was.

I am still not 100% back to normal, of course. But I feel very good. I honestly feel like, if I can get a job....my life is going to turn around. I look back to 10 years ago....and I see now how I was suffering then...with addiction and depression. But I didn't realize I was an addict then. But now, it is all so clear to me. I didn't realize I was an addict until I got to my worst. I thought I just really enjoyed using drugs and drinking. Once I found opiates, Roxis to be exact, I lost it all...and then I found heroin and lost even more and stole straight from my parent's house just so I wouldn't get sick.That is when I knew I was an addict.

I have a lot to work on. And I know 11 days is not much...but considering that I haven't gone this long in 3 years...I am happy.


:)