Well..First off...I feel pretty good today! I am still sneezing some, and have very light back pain. I still am feeling anxious. But considering how I WAS feeling...I am so thrilled. I still love heroin and miss it....but it isn't on my mind 24/7. I now think of how shitty it makes me feel when I can't get any. It is terrible. It is holding me back. Just going through the roller coaster of using, finding money to score, trying ot make it last, hoping I can score again the next morning...It is so exhausting. It takes everything out of me, and it consumes me. It leaves me with no motivation to live the life that I used to want. No motivation to be successful. No motivation to live, period. And that is the truth. I do wish that I could use it on occasion, rarely...as a treat. But I don't know how possible that is. But I am not going to think of that right now.
I have a lot to work on. It has only been 5 days since I last used heroin. But I have so many obstacles to get through...all brought on by my drug use. This probation thing is a big hassle, but it has to be done. I really just need a job.
When I went to my first probation meeting, the officer said he is going to refer me to a rehab center. I haven't heard anything from them yet though. I do think I need it. Because as soon as I start making money, I don't know that I can resist the urge to use.
Hopefully tomorrow I will feel even better. And hopefully soon some positive things will start happening in my life!
I think you should go to rehab because it will really give you a new insight into the whole program. I know it will benefit you to go to NA/AA/HA [if they have one in your area]-whatever works for you. You explained a typical, perfect addict and you are already accepting of the fact that you are powerless to heroin-you hate the BS you have to go through just to get it. So you are already on Step 1! Give yourself a break, at least move out of your area and get serious.
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