I just got home about an hour ago from work. I bought a bag of heroin again once I got off. Now, my copping routine is like this... my dealer's girlfriend drives him to the road that I live on, which is like a quarter mile from where I work. So once I leave work, I give my dealer a call and I start walking home (since I currently don't have a license). As I am walking, eventually I will see them coming towards me in their car, they slow down and come to a quick stop, and we make the exchange, and then I keep on walking home, and they keep on driving. The road is not a very busy road, so it works out pretty good. My house is right on that road too, so it is convenient. We try to switch is up...because people start noticing things, and neither of us want to go to jail. Tonight, after I got my bag, I kept walking. After a few minutes a cop passed me. He slowed down a lot when he saw me, I guess to try to get a look at me, but kept going. It is somewhat shady, someone walking down that road at midnight. He ended up turning around and passing me again, going even slower. My heart started racing. I mean, I DID have a bag of heroin in my hand, and syringes in my pocket. And I began wondering if someone noticed us make the deal. The cop kept going, I walked faster, and finally made it home safe and sound. I always get paranoid nowadays when I see cops. Just because of all my past run ins with them.
I don't work tomorrow, and I don't have money to buy heroin. I did the last of my bag not long ago. This means I will be 'attempting' to quit heroin. No, but seriously. I know I say this once a week, but I am pretty serious. I HAVE to. I get really anxious and start to freak out when I think about the stuff I need to catch up on..bills and such. So this is necessary. I have to quit living this way. I need to be sober. I need to be healthy...physically and mentally. I need to fix my issues...figure out what I am trying to drown out with heroin. What is it that is making me so sad when I am sober. I really wish I had someone to talk to..a psychologist, a counselor...someone. My mom and step-dad say I can talk to them. But there is no way in hell I could talk to them.. No offense to them...but I feel like they are the last people I would talk to. They just don't understand.
Anyway, this is becoming hard to type. I am feeling pretty good from that bag of H. I will update more tomorrow, and hopefully I will be more motivated to quit....BYE
Hi Michele,
ReplyDeleteI understand your parents point of view. I felt the same way about my son, also a heroin addict. I thought I could help him through his problems and I didn't understand why he wouldn't just talk to me. I'm sure your parents mean well, as did I, but you really do need help from a professional. It took me a long time to realize that there were things my son would never be able to share with me...and things I, quite frankly, didn't want to know about. Now I realize the best I can do is to offer emotional support as he goes through his journey.
There is tons of support and countless resources for addicts. Your obviously a smart young woman, when you are ready you will have the strength to seek those resources out. I pray that day comes soon....too late can happen in the blink of an eye and as much as you may feel as if your life is meaningless or you don't want to live....you are still here which means the will to live is still inside of you!
You will be in my thoughts and prayers,
Summer
Hey. Thank you for commenting. I am sorry to hear about your son being an addict. It is not easy, for either of you, I am sure. How old is he? Yea...that is how I feel..there are certain things I am just not comfortable talking about with them. It would help having an "outsider"to talk to. But they think I am crazy when I tell them that it is much easier for me to open up to a complete stranger than to them.
ReplyDeleteAgain, thank you for reading. I am about to check your blog out as well. :)
My son is 26. We used to be super close until the heroin took over. Hopefully one day soon he'll find a way to break free from this awful addiction. I hope you will, too!
ReplyDeleteHang in there, Michele!