So sick of feeling this way

So my last post, I think I was saying that I was going ot try to quit, and use suboxone. That morning I took some suboxone. But the urges, once again, got overwhelming.  I broke down, and got my dealer to bring me some to work. So I have been using the last few days.  The last time I used was yesterday around 5 pm. So right now,  I am not feeling too good. I am shaky, panicky, and just really wanting a shot. I just called my dealer to see if he would front me a little something now, and I will pay him tonight and get more tonight. He told me to call him back in a few, he needs to see how much he has. Watch...he will tell me no. :( He let me do this the other day. But, when he does it for me, I give him an extra $20 or so for the trouble, which is the only reason he lets me do it. I know I shouldn't continue this, but it just makes me feel so much better.