HEY

Ok, so it has been a whole 7 days without heroin. I think it has been about 3 or 4 days without suboxone. Today I am feeling all kinds of aches. Especially my back. And I feel exhausted. Shouldn't these aches be gone by now??

Last nigh I drank..the first time in a long time. I was drinking alone in my room, jamming out to my music. I finished off the bottle. As soon as I took my last shot, my stomach turned and I was gagging. After trying to hold it back, I threw up. :( yuck.

I had court today. I pled guilty. I am now on probation. I have GOT to get a job. This shit sucks. PROBATION?! Oh man.

There is nothing I want more right now, than some heroin.

Anyway. I will write more later....

ALCOHOL!!!!!!

Well. I will say it has been a LONG time since I drank. Now, this is where it all began. Drinking. In highschool, then college. The start of it all. But ever since I met the love of my life, opiates...I have had no desire for alcohol. None, whatsover. Even when I couldn't get any opiates, or when I was taking a break.. wonder why that is. But I guess I am bored. I have had half a bottle of vodka in my room for months now. Tonight I decided to pull it out, but I almost had to convince myself to drink. But I have had a few shots now. I got my radio going, and I am enjoying myself.  i am about to go take another shot. I havent listened to any music in a long time. I have missed it. Anyway..I will write more later.

Hello Again

So, today is day 6 without any heroin.  That is wild. I can't even tell you how long it has been since I have gone longer than a day without it. Now, yes, I used one suboxone over a period of about 3 days. I feel...OK. Not great. I defiitely never felt the severe withdrawal symptoms, thanks to the suboxone. I feel worse today than I did yesterday, but I am sure that is because the suboxone is all out of my system now. It is just so weird. To not be worried about how I will get more...but then again, I miss it.

I woke up at 6 am today after finally falling asleep around 3am. I thought today was my court date. I got up and took my dogs out. Then I started thinking of how I really want to go back to bed, and how nice it would be if I looked at the date wrong and it was actually tomorrow. So I deciced to look at the paper again. Wow.....my luck is good. haha. I DID read it wrong, it was actually tomorrow morning. So right back to bed I went!

Anyway...I have been jobless for a week now. I really haven't even begun looking for another job. I think I just needed some time...to get through this. To get clean. Even though, every day I think, "Is there any way I can get my hands on some money???" Because it would be so nice to be able to get high. If I had the cash, I would get high, without a doubt.  That is the hard part. How do I keep myself from getting it when I have the means? I am not strong enough when it comes to that!

It is a great feeling when I think about it, knowing I dont HAVE to have the heroin. But it is all that is on my mind. It is such a weird thing. I am especially excited now because I know that when I finally do get some, my tolerance will be much much lower.

I am more emotional now. I guess it is because I am just not numbing my emotions. I think about my past, A LOT. Man...it is crazy. The things I have done. I look back, and all I see is a girl that was lost, and tried to numb herself in any way she could. Someone that just wanted to escape. Someone that had no direction. That is me.

Anwway. I cannot believe it has been almost 9 months since I got arrested. 10 months ago I was at my worst. Absolutely at my worst. It makes my stomach turn when I think back at things. I cannot believe I got to that point. I am still stuck. I don't know what I would be doing if it weren't for my mom and stepdad. Where would I be? It is scary really.

So, I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. Still trying to find myself, and understand myself.

Been A While

Well. A lot has been going on. Most importantly...a few days ago, I went  in to work like usual. That morning I bought a whole gram and another $30 worth. I did some of it at work. After my shift was over, my manager told me that there was something he needed to talk to me about. My heart pounded. My mind was racing..."What could it be?" I wondered. I was thinking.."Did someone catch me using drugs?....are they going to look at my arms?....but then I remembered the drug test. Ah yes, the drug test.. He informed me that he received a call about the drug test that I had taken MONTHS ago. He was told that I failed it and they had to let me go. Why in the world did it take ALL this time??? I totally understood...it wasn't his fault. I knew I had failed that test. I was surprised it took that long to fire me. Immediately I almost felt a bit of relief. I knew that if I took some time off from work, that would mean I would take some time off from heroin and would HAVE to get some clean time. I knew as long as I was working and making money daily, I would continue this cycle. So it alsmost was a breath of fresh air to know this cycle had to stop, at least for a little while. Then as I started walking home, I remembered I had bought a large amount that morning and still had most of it. The thought crossed my mind that I could just do it all at once and try to kill myself. But I knew deep down that this H I have been getting lately wasnt strong enough to OD on. In fact, I did do it all that night, and was disappointed. Very disappointed. My plan was to start using my suboxone the next day. But as soon as I woke up, I suddenly remembered the 50 dollars I had left. So, I just had to get one more bag. There was no way out of it. I couldn't talk myself out of it. If i have the cash, it is almost impossible to keep me from getting it. Sad, huh. The next day, I knew I didn't have any money, so I was okay with starting my suboxone. So here we are now...this is my second day without any heroin. The longest I have gone in a long time.  I told my mom today that I was fired. I was afraid to tell her. I hate all the disappointment I keep causing. I know she is no longer proud of me. Why should she be. All the pics on her fridge.....the ones of me are getting to be less and less. I noticed that yesterday. I have really got to do something.

I have to go to court on the 16th. There is a posibility that I could do some jail time.

I have got to get control.

Aggravated

So 2 days ago, I bought my H like usual...but it didn't seem too strong...but I was already high, so I didn't pay much attention. I woke up yesterday morning sick, and did the last of my bag. But it didn't take my sickness away! So I got a ride to get another bag before work. I did almost the whole bag....and I didnt feel anything!...So I got another bag..he brought it to me this time. Once again, NOTHING...except it slightly took away the sickness. I was freaking out, and was so disappointed. I wasted all that money. I called him and told him it was shit. He said he got it from someone new and he wouldnt get it anymore. Whatever! So after work, I had to get a suboxone from him, thank god he had it. He fronted it to me since I spent all my money on FAKE heroin. I was afraind to take the suboxone, because  I didnt know if there actually was any H in those bags, and I didn't want the whole precipitated withdrawals. But I was already feeling sick anyway, so I took about half the pill. I finally got a little sleep, and feel better today. So this is the longest I have been without any H in a while. I am trying to get in touch with my guy to see when he is getting new stuff. Until then, I will just stick with the suboxone. I cannot believe he is selling that crap, it makes me so mad. He has never done me this way before!

A lot has been going on lately, but I will have to make another post later. Pretty soon I will HAVE to quit, because I will either be on probation or doing some major jail time. But I will get into that soon.

Suboxone really is amazing. It takes away most of my pains..and they are some terrible pains. It just leaves me with very fast heartbeat and nervousness/anxiety. But I will take this over the full withdrawals any day.

Just got off the phone, he is getting new stuff today. So I will be getting some tomorrow..it better be good.

My mom bought some Milk Thistle and said I should take it because it is supposed to clean out your liver. I just read that it may also lower your tolerance of opiates. I figured I will give it a try and see if I notice anything.. anyway....Ill update more soon.

Sad

Yesterday while I was at work, this guy in his 30's came in. He was very friendly, and very talkative. I found out that he was terminally ill, and was given only a year and a half to live. All I kept thinking was, "Wow, his pupils are tiny, I bet he has got some great medicine...".  Crazy. But his situation is sad. He was in great spirits though, I was surprised. I can't imagine knowing I was going to die soon. It made me look at my life and realize I don't have it as bad as some people.

I was just about to post a blog....it was pretty long...and somehow i accidentally deleted the whole thing, and it didn't save in my drafts!!! :(   Oh well....I will write it later. It has been a while since I updated...a lot has been goin on...ill update soon