Been A While

Well. A lot has been going on. Most importantly...a few days ago, I went  in to work like usual. That morning I bought a whole gram and another $30 worth. I did some of it at work. After my shift was over, my manager told me that there was something he needed to talk to me about. My heart pounded. My mind was racing..."What could it be?" I wondered. I was thinking.."Did someone catch me using drugs?....are they going to look at my arms?....but then I remembered the drug test. Ah yes, the drug test.. He informed me that he received a call about the drug test that I had taken MONTHS ago. He was told that I failed it and they had to let me go. Why in the world did it take ALL this time??? I totally understood...it wasn't his fault. I knew I had failed that test. I was surprised it took that long to fire me. Immediately I almost felt a bit of relief. I knew that if I took some time off from work, that would mean I would take some time off from heroin and would HAVE to get some clean time. I knew as long as I was working and making money daily, I would continue this cycle. So it alsmost was a breath of fresh air to know this cycle had to stop, at least for a little while. Then as I started walking home, I remembered I had bought a large amount that morning and still had most of it. The thought crossed my mind that I could just do it all at once and try to kill myself. But I knew deep down that this H I have been getting lately wasnt strong enough to OD on. In fact, I did do it all that night, and was disappointed. Very disappointed. My plan was to start using my suboxone the next day. But as soon as I woke up, I suddenly remembered the 50 dollars I had left. So, I just had to get one more bag. There was no way out of it. I couldn't talk myself out of it. If i have the cash, it is almost impossible to keep me from getting it. Sad, huh. The next day, I knew I didn't have any money, so I was okay with starting my suboxone. So here we are now...this is my second day without any heroin. The longest I have gone in a long time.  I told my mom today that I was fired. I was afraid to tell her. I hate all the disappointment I keep causing. I know she is no longer proud of me. Why should she be. All the pics on her fridge.....the ones of me are getting to be less and less. I noticed that yesterday. I have really got to do something.

I have to go to court on the 16th. There is a posibility that I could do some jail time.

I have got to get control.