Hello Again

So, today is day 6 without any heroin.  That is wild. I can't even tell you how long it has been since I have gone longer than a day without it. Now, yes, I used one suboxone over a period of about 3 days. I feel...OK. Not great. I defiitely never felt the severe withdrawal symptoms, thanks to the suboxone. I feel worse today than I did yesterday, but I am sure that is because the suboxone is all out of my system now. It is just so weird. To not be worried about how I will get more...but then again, I miss it.

I woke up at 6 am today after finally falling asleep around 3am. I thought today was my court date. I got up and took my dogs out. Then I started thinking of how I really want to go back to bed, and how nice it would be if I looked at the date wrong and it was actually tomorrow. So I deciced to look at the paper again. Wow.....my luck is good. haha. I DID read it wrong, it was actually tomorrow morning. So right back to bed I went!

Anyway...I have been jobless for a week now. I really haven't even begun looking for another job. I think I just needed some time...to get through this. To get clean. Even though, every day I think, "Is there any way I can get my hands on some money???" Because it would be so nice to be able to get high. If I had the cash, I would get high, without a doubt.  That is the hard part. How do I keep myself from getting it when I have the means? I am not strong enough when it comes to that!

It is a great feeling when I think about it, knowing I dont HAVE to have the heroin. But it is all that is on my mind. It is such a weird thing. I am especially excited now because I know that when I finally do get some, my tolerance will be much much lower.

I am more emotional now. I guess it is because I am just not numbing my emotions. I think about my past, A LOT. Man...it is crazy. The things I have done. I look back, and all I see is a girl that was lost, and tried to numb herself in any way she could. Someone that just wanted to escape. Someone that had no direction. That is me.

Anwway. I cannot believe it has been almost 9 months since I got arrested. 10 months ago I was at my worst. Absolutely at my worst. It makes my stomach turn when I think back at things. I cannot believe I got to that point. I am still stuck. I don't know what I would be doing if it weren't for my mom and stepdad. Where would I be? It is scary really.

So, I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. Still trying to find myself, and understand myself.