:)

These past 2 days have just been great.  I cannot tell you how different I feel. I finally have some feeling, emotionally. I finally feel good at times, happy. It has been 11 days since I used heroin. It has been at least 3 years since I have gone this long without anything. I have life inside of me. I am getting motivation. I am excited about the future, about getting a job...about getting my license back, getting a nice car, meeting some friends. I have no friends. I have no one that I talk to...noone that I hang out with. I wouldn't know what to do being around people and socializing. But I am excited to get to that point.  But first and foremost, I HAVE to get a job. I have to start paying on this probation.

It is just so unreal to me. I keep thinking of how nice it is, not worrying about being sick. But the thing is, I LOVE how the heroin makes me feel. But the truth is, it is impossible to continue life successfully, and use every day with a habit. I still think about it. I dreamt about it the other day. But right now, I am just thrilled that I FINALLY feel good.  Addiction is pure hell. I was so trapped and lost. Even though it was only 2 weeks ago, I look back at that time and see how terribly sad, and lost, and stuck I was.

I am still not 100% back to normal, of course. But I feel very good. I honestly feel like, if I can get a job....my life is going to turn around. I look back to 10 years ago....and I see now how I was suffering then...with addiction and depression. But I didn't realize I was an addict then. But now, it is all so clear to me. I didn't realize I was an addict until I got to my worst. I thought I just really enjoyed using drugs and drinking. Once I found opiates, Roxis to be exact, I lost it all...and then I found heroin and lost even more and stole straight from my parent's house just so I wouldn't get sick.That is when I knew I was an addict.

I have a lot to work on. And I know 11 days is not much...but considering that I haven't gone this long in 3 years...I am happy.


:)

Hey Everyone

Well..First off...I feel pretty good today! I am still sneezing some, and have very light back pain. I still am feeling anxious. But considering how I WAS feeling...I am so thrilled. I still love heroin and miss it....but it isn't on my mind 24/7. I now think of how shitty it makes me feel when I can't get any. It is terrible. It is holding me back. Just going through the roller coaster of using, finding money to score, trying ot make it last, hoping I can score again the next morning...It is so exhausting. It takes everything out of me, and it consumes me. It leaves me with no motivation to live the life that I used to want. No motivation to be successful. No motivation to live, period. And that is the truth. I do wish that I could use it on occasion, rarely...as a treat. But I don't know how possible that is. But I am not going to think of that right now.

I have a lot to work on. It has only been 5 days since I last used heroin. But I have so many obstacles to get through...all brought on by my drug use.  This probation thing is a big hassle, but it has to be done. I really just need a job.

When I went to my first probation meeting, the officer said he is going to refer me to a rehab center. I haven't heard anything from them yet though. I do think I need it. Because as soon as I start making money, I don't know that I can resist the urge to use.

Hopefully tomorrow I will feel even better. And hopefully soon some positive things will start happening in my life!

This is HARD

Hi. So I have not used heroin in 3 days. But in a span of 2 days, I used 2 lortabs...which is not much at all for me. I am not feeling so hot today. I am having back pains, anxiety, and just an overall uncomfortableness.  Plus, the mental thing is really hard today. I have been searching through this house looking frantically for money or something to trade for drugs. But I made myself quit. I bought a bottle of sleeping pills the other day, but my mom took them from me and just gives me one a night. I could use several of those right now.

I hope so badly that I can get some sleep tonight, and feel better tomorrow. I have got to look for a job, but I just can't do it feeling this way.

I found some myrrh oil in my house. I read that it has been known to have a calming, sedating effect, and can help with pain.  So I took some...anything is worth a try. But it taste so nasty!!

Anyway...that is all for now. I cannot wait until I feel NORMAL, and feel GOOD. PLEASE GOD LET IT HAPPEN SOON.

Struggling a bit

I got some heroin a couple days ago. The highest I have ever been.  I did it all that night. Over these past 2 ays, I have used 2 lortab pills. It has kept most of the withdrawals away. I am all out now though. So I will feel like crap in the morning, I am sure.

I was watching this show called Elementary. This guy in the show is a recovering heroin addict, and seeing him and his temptation, it just made me want to use. But I can't.

When I went to talk to my probation officer, I told him I had a problem with drugs. He asked me what drugs I use...I was ashamed to say it, but I told him...heroin. He just shook his head. He said that once people start using heroin, they never quit, they use it for life. I told him, no...I will quit. He said...no, they never can quit. Wow...thanks for the inspiration buddy. But maybe he is right.

Right now, I keep searching for a purpose, for some motivation. I can't seem to find anything. I have to get through this.

Crying...

So, I forgot to mention..the other day, my probation officer stopped by just to meet me. He saw my stepdads patrol car, (he is a cop). He was aksing about that, and asking about his guns. He said I am already violating my probatoin by being in a household with guns. He asked if I could possibly go stay in a shelter. NO! I can't!   Hopefully we can work something out...

But just now, my parents said they want to talk to me. They were going on and on about all the money I have spent on drugs, and how I need to admit that I have a problem. I DO admit it!! I told them that! They were fussing at me because I plead guilty to the judge without an attorney. I couldn't afford an attorney! They were just really coming down on me.  And saying how I need to open up to them. They were asking me what all drugs I have done. I told them I am uncomfortable telling them. They got mad and said I need to open up. I told them it is easier for me to open up to someone that isn't family. That also made them mad. Then they were going on and on about how they just want better for me and that I am better than this.

I just want to die.


This song really means a lot to me...especially now

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Tired of feeling this way

I still can't believe that after one day of use, I am feeling withdrawals. I could not sleep at all last night. Today, my whole body hurts and I am exhausted.  I could possibly get some more tomorrow, but the thought that it would send me right back into feeling this way the next day is making me aprehensive. I don't know what I am going to do.

Fed Up

I am so fed up. I went 9 days without heroin. And then I use it one day..and then a day later, I feel withdrawals. What the hell? I woke up this morning feeling like shit. Body aches, and sneezing a million times. It is crazy. I hate heroin because of this. You would think that taking a 9 day break, and then using once, that I wouldn't feel withdrawals. I hate it.  Oh well..I just drank a beer, about to drank another one. Hopefully I won't feel much worse than this.