Good MORNING!!! I woke up not feeling too great...took some suboxone, now I feel good. I am happy. I want to use today, and I think I will. I was using EVERYDAY, several times a day, so I have definitely cut back. That is a good start, right?

Sick & Tired...

So tired of my family constantly staring at me judging me. Always watching me to see if they think I am high.  I am am being quiet, they think its because I'm high,....if I am in a good mood...they think its because I am high. I am actually NOT high

Why Can't I Be Normal?

So I did all my heroin last night. It made me happy, of course. Only to wake up to realize I have to live another sober day. Well....I have been using small amounts of suboxone, so I guess it isn't technically sober. But, compared to heroin,  it kinda is. I got through the day ok. I really wanted to get some heroin. But, I simply didnt have the money for it. Now, if I didn't have the suboxone, I would FIND a way to get some heroin. But thank goodness, I have this crutch to help me.  I REALLY want to get some tomorrow. And I know I shouldn't, but I almost just dont care. I dont have the motivation to completely stop, even after all the hell it has caused me.

I remember not long ago, when I had actually planned out that I would overdose on heroin. It was when I just got out of jail, so I was forced into sobriety. I was so depressed, and was craving SO incredibly bad. I planned to kill myself. I even wrote out a letter and everything. I was so unhappy. When I finally got my hands on the dope, I did a huge shot. It knocked me out pretty good, I remember feeling nervous after I did it. Then I passed out. I woke myself up in the middle of the night because I was gasping for air. Then I fell back asleep. But I ended up waking up the next morning, with a terrible headache. So I guess I didn't do quite enough. Oh well.

I think I am just as addicted to the needle as I am heroin. I will inject a lot of things....as bad as that sounds. I take a lot of sleeping pills too..especially when I dont have any H. So I will definitely be taking some tonight. But see..I am actually excited, because deep down, I think I will be scoring tomorrow. :\  As long as I have been using H, and I still get excited..crazy. Even knowing that I have nothing to show for myself because of it. What is wrong with me. Addiction I guess.

Go Figure

Well hello world. Today I failed. I woke up and went to work, and had all the intentions in the world of staying clean today and not using. Then, we had an unexpectedly busy day at work today, and I made a good bit of money. So about an hour or 2 before my shift was over, I decided if I made a certain amount, that I would get another half gram. So that is what I did. So, I guess I will have to start over tomorrow.

I wanna feel all the chemicals inside....

It is 7:30 am. I didn't sleep too well.  That is one of my favorite things about heroin, it makes me sleep soooo good.  I woke up not feeling too good.  Really antsy, upset stomach, chills. So I took more suboxone. By the way....I inject my suboxone. I know....it is probably stupid. But..I don't care. I dont have to use as much when I inject it.  So I am feeling better.  The only thing that gets me through the day, is telling myself that I will be able to use either tomorrow or the next day. How am I supposed to quit when knowing I can use soon is what helps me get through the day?! It is crazy. It gives me motivation to get through this day. I am mentally screwed up. Well, I gotta go to work...have a good day!

Broken Heart

This has ripped my heart apart...probably for a long, long time. Imagine, growing up feeling so lonely. Never openening up to anyone, never talking to anyone. Keeping your thoughts and feelings to yourself, and never getting close to anyone. Finally one day, you meet someone that you really connect with, even though you are terrified to get close and open up. But slowly over the years you do, and you form a great relationship. You two fall in love, and start a life together. He tells  you he will always love you, will always be here for you, and nothing will EVER change his mind. Well...my occasional pill use turned into a big habit, then an addiction. I didnt even care at the time..my dad had just died and I was feeling so much guilt and sadness. He noticed my addiction and got angry with me about it. After he got through my stubborness, I finally admitted to it. But I needed help. I needed someone to understand. I needed someone to be there for me. Instead of him helping me, he left me. I was so devastated. So heartbroken, depressed. He promised he would always love me, always be here, and nothing would change that. But in the end, he gave up on me. I wasn't worth it. If noone else cared, why should I? I had no hope, no motivation. He moved out and left me at our house. I couldn't stand to walk into that house after he left. The sadness and emptiness in my heart was much more than I could take. I would rather be dead than to live with that much sadness. So I got high after work everyday before I went home. It was the only way I could stand being there.  This was before I was using heroin. I was using roxies at the time (oxy). So I would snort about 10 roxy pills, and be happy. Then I could go home and get through the lonely night.  After he left...he kept getting in contact with me, telling me he missed me, and that maybe we could get back together and he wanted to work on things. He kept doing this and wanting to stay the night. Well..eventually I found out he got another girl pregnant, while we were supposed to be "working on things". So, this broke my heart even more. This happened over a year ago. So I am over the extreme sadness. But it still stings when I think about it. Since then, I haven't even thought about even going on a date. I can't imagine getting close to someone again, just to get hurt again.  So I have literally spent the past year all to myself. No friends, nothing. Well...except my heroin.   Anytime I am sad, heroin makes me feel better. It is terrible. I guess I will always have this problem.

One of the hardest things about my addiction has been trying to hide it. For the longest time, noone knew. I hid it from my family, friends and co workers. I always worried that someone would see the marks on my arms and ask me about it. But noone has.  Eventually I started getting into trouble with the law. Mostly things like shoplifting...and I am currently going throuh something right now. My last job is trying to charge me for breach of trust. I will get into that later. But since I was getting into a lot of trouble..and had been going through a lot of personal issues, my mom and step-dad knew something was going on. Also because I never had any money, and my water had just gotten shut off, couldn't pay for car insurance, I wrecked my car a few times and totalled it...all kinds of crap. So one night, after getting really high at my house and about to pass out, they stopped by unexpectedly. It really caught me off guard. I had needles and drugs and spoons everywhere. But I hid it all really fast. THey tried talking to me to try to find out what was going on. I didnt talk much. I never do. So they didn't get the answers they wanted. After they left...they thought I just had a problem with pills. No way could I admit to them that I was using heroin.

I remember one night I got pulled over for swerving. I forgot all about the huge box of syringes that I had in my back seat. The cop walked up and saw it. He asked if there was any reason I should have syringes. And he demanded that I show him my arms. So I showed him...and yep..there they were...the marks that he was looking for. It was pretty humiliating. He ended up letting me go, after he preached to me about how I need to stop because I am young and beautiful and nothing good will come out of this, and that if I keep on down this road, someone will find me dead with a needle in my arm. He made me cry.

I ended up moving home with my mom and step dad. I told them I was quitting the drugs. Well...I must have left a syringe top out, because my step dad found it. He confronted me and looked at my arms. He was devastated.He said it was much worse than he though. He tried to get me to go get help.I told him I'd quit and I didn't need help.

I didnt quit. One night I was on my way to my dealers house. A cop pulled me over. He ran my name and saw that I had a warrant for a ticket that I never paid! I didnt pay it because I was too concerned with heroin and forgot about it, plus I didnt have the money. So he took me to jail and searched my car.He found syringes and burnt spoons, so I also got charged with drug paraphernalia. I went to jail and spend 8 days there. :(  When I got there, I told them I was going to be sick because I was a heroin user. So they gave me something to help with the withdrawals, but it was still terrible. I was so lonely sitting in that jail for 8 days. So sad and depressed. But it got me sober for a little while. Not very long though.

I realize I don't care about myself. And I find it hard to believe that others care about me. And when people do care about me,  I usualy do something to hurt them or push them away. I don't know why.

Anyway,,,this was pretty random and choppy. It was just on my mind.  Ill write more later

I wanna sunburn, just to know that I'm alive..

Do you dream that the world will know your name?
So tell me your name
Do you care about all the little things
or anything at all?
I wanna feel, all the chemicals inside
I wanna feel
I wanna sunburn, just to know that I'm alive
To know I'm alive

Don't tell me if I'm dying
'Cause I don't wanna know
If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go
Don't wake me 'cause I'm dreaming
Of angels on the moon
Where everyone you know
Never leaves too soon

Do you believe, in the day that you were born
Tell me do you believe?
Do you know, that everyday's the first
Of the rest of your life?

Don't tell me if I'm dying
'Cuase I don't wanna know
If I can't see the sun
Maybe I should go
Don't wake me 'cause I'm dreaming
Of angels on the moon
Where everyone you know
Never leaves too soon.

This is to one last day in the shadows
And to know a brother's love
This is to New York City angels
And the rivers of our blood
This is to all of us
To all of us

Don't tell me if I'm dying
'Cause I don't wanna know
If I can't see the sun
Maybe I should go
Don't wake me 'cause I'm dreaming
Of angels on the moon
Where everyone you know never leaves too soon

You can tell me all your thoughts
About the stars that fill polluted skies
And show me where you run to
When no one's left to take your side
But don't tell me where the road ends
'Cause I just don't wanna know
No I don't wanna know

Don't tell me if I'm dying
Don't tell me if I'm dying

Angels on the Moon - Thriving Ivory

Well, I woke up yesterday, and did a TINY bit of suboxone. I went to work, and was actually having a pretty great day. Half way through the day, my mind just had to switch to heroin. Once I get my mind on the thought that I really want some...it is hard to get it out. I decided, fuck it. I will come up with a lie as to why I wouldn't have any money to give my mom. And I came up with a pretty good one that worked. 

So when I got off work, I called my dealer from the work phone. Right now, I don't have my license..a result of my heroin use. So I had to ask my dealer to meet me somewhere. He is always real sketchy and worried about the cops. So he makes me walk down the street from where I work, and eventually he comes by and swoops me up, we ride around the block, do our business, and then he lets me back out. Then I walk home. Luckily it isn't far from where I live.  As soon as I got the heroin in my hand, I felt guilty. It had been 3 days for me that I was sober. Now I know that isn't much, but for me, it is a big deal.  But those guilty feelings went away. As I was walking home, I stopped at the Hardees and used their restroom. I was anxious to try just a little to see if I would even feel it, since I had used a little suboxone. I actually did.  Luckily I didn't use much suboxone at all. So I finally got home, talked to my mom for a bit, then went straight to the bathroom and cooked up a nice shot. I did almost the whole half gram. I saved just a little for when I was about to go to bed. It felt nice. My tolerance has definitely gone up lately, so it wasn't as good as I wished. But oh well, it definitely made me feel good. Sometimes I shoot up my dope with a sleeping pill..it makes it more intense. So later that night, I did the last of my dope mixed with a sleeping pill. Then I got on the computer thats by the kitchen. My brother in law was here, and lept inviting me to church. Not what I wanted to hear. I noticed I kept nodding at the computer, so I figured I better go to my room before someone notices. SO I spent some time on the internet in my room, kept nodding..then finally just went to sleep.

I woke up feeling ok. Just bummed because I knew I didnt have any heroin. It is so aggravating. The whole game. Making money, hopefully enough to get what I need...buying it, shooting it...then running out. I hate the whole running out part! Obviously. It is just a continuous cycle that will never end if I dont just QUIT using. But I enjoy it so much. I still have some suboxone. So I am going to try to lay low for a while. I feel fine now..so I am not going to use my suboxone until I feel like I really need it.

Anyway...So I guess today starts over as day 1 sober. Here we go again.

So I have gone about 2 days now without heroin. But I have been using suboxone that I got off the street. I feel like I won't be able to sleep tonight. What I really want to do is get high. I think I might tomorrow. I am just too weak. Today started out great. I woke up feeling positive. After work, for some reason, I just started feeling really down. I tend to get really depressed..especially when I am trying to get off heroin. And lately, I have been having thoughts that it would be better if I wasn't even here. Because to me, I don't think I can ever feel truly happy. Heroin makes me feel happy. But it has also caused a lot of problems. Also, life just seems too hard. Too hard to get back on track and do something with myself. I dont like this sadness that I feel. I want to be high forever.

First day of work with no heroin since I have been working there...

HEY! So yesterday around 12 noon, I took my first bit of suboxone; only like 1mg. It kept away most of the withdrawals. So I went to bed last night, but didnt sleep great. I was tossing and turning, and hot. Finally, around 4 am, I had to take a little more suboxone, and went back to sleep until 5:30. I felt great when I woke up. I wasn't sick at all. It felt wonderful waking up and not feeling that dope sickness. It felt amazing knowing I could go to work today, and not worry myself to death hoping that I make enough money to buy more dope. It felt good living as a normal person.

I saw a man today, a customer, and he looked just like my dad. My heart sank. Oh how I miss my daddy so much. I just wanted to give this guy a big hug and never let him go. But it wasn't my dad. My dad is gone. And it is so hard for me to accept that. I think about this a lot when I get sober, and all the sadness just rushes back in, and I miss him terribly. I wish I could have just a little longer with him. I wish I could turn back time. I wish he was here and happy. It makes me so sad. :(

So I have almost made it through this day. Yes, I want to get high. But I can't right now. My mom and stepdad are taking the cash that I make everyday and putting it up for me. This just started, once they found out I was still doing heroin. So I have to be able to give them money everyday. I know it is for the best, and I need to quit heroin for good. But I miss it so much sometimes. I miss everything about it.  :(  Why did this happen to me? 

So when did my addiction begin? Well..In high school, I dabbled in alcohol and marijuana a little. Mostly alcohol. When I went away to college, that is when I REALLY started drinking, a lot. I also started dating this guy that smoke pot every day, all the time. So I did too. That is what we did. I remember I didn't even really enjoy it. I finally tried cocaine when I was about 20 or 21. Wow, that was amazing. That became my drug of choice. I did it every now and then, but it became something I did all the time. During this, I broke up with one guy who cheated on me...I was devastated. Started dating another guy, but boy was he mean. We drank all the time. He turned into a drunk asshole. He threatened my life several times, and hurt me several times. I left him and had nowhere to go. So I started staying with a friend of mine who was a huge cocaine and crack user. I began to spend ALL my money on it. Lost my car. I had nothing.  We stayed up until 7 or 8 am everyday doing coke, then took about 15 benadryls to get to sleep. It was terrible. I eventually moved to Ohio with my friend. While there, I drank all the time. And was depressed. I had also found out that my dad was dying. So I also used these drugs to mask the sadness and pain, and guilt for not being there with my dad. Eventually I moved home. I got a job, but was drinking a lot. I met a guy, and we got very serious. We ended up moving in together. I started dabbling with pills. Just every now and then. But I would always take a lot. I have always been that way. I have a huge tolerance for anything. My dad died..I took it so hard, and started using pills a lot more. I moved on to oxy pills. Those were amazing. I felt like that was what I had always been looking for. Eventually, my habit got up to where I would snort 15 or 16  30mg pills at once. It was bad. It caused a lot of problems. I will get into all that in the future. Eventually, I started using heroin. I never imagined I would be a heroin addict.  I am currently struggling with this. It has only been 29 hours since I last used heroin. That is the longest I have gone in a long time. I am using suboxone though, and I actually feel pretty good. But I know pretty soon I will be missing the heroin. I have so much to talk about, but I have plenty of time......

My First Post!

Hello Blog World! This is pretty new to me, but I have been reading other blogs for a while, and I think this will be good for me. I will be updating on my constant struggle with dealing with my drug addiction. I am a heroin addict. I have used just about every drug out there, but heroin has become my drug of choice; my weakness. I am 28 years old, and had a lot going for me. Pretty, young, smart, kind. I am that girl that noone would think would EVER become an addict, especially a heroin addict. It still sounds funny to me to say that. I never believed this would happen to me. But it has, and it has taken so much from me.

I have always had that fearless personality. I loved adventure, and trying new and exciting things. I liked excitement and danger. I believe this, combined with me always feeling depressed, lonely, and different, is what lead to my addiction. But I think most of it has to do with me trying to numb myself. To try and ignore that hardships of life. To feel happiness. Heroin makes me happy. Or at least that is what it tricks me into thinking. In reality, it makes my life so much more difficult. I have hurt so many people, and done so many things I never thought I would do...all because of heroin. It took over me. In this blog, I will explain all I have done, the terrible things this addiction has caused me to do, and what is currently going on in my life. I really hope to meet other people with the same problems, and hope that we can help each other out. I am such a private and quiet person, and it is really hard for me to open up to people, so I am really hoping this can help me.

That is all for now. I don't want to make this first post too long!

~Michele