Becoming too much of a hassle

I have noticed how much control this heroin has on my life. It is sad...when I cannot get in touch with my dealer, I become completely depressed, angry and very withdrawn. I obsess over it, trying to get in touch with him. Then when I finally do, you would think I won the lottery. It is ridiculous.

Lately, I have been doing too much. My dealer has actually been giving me a lot of credit, because I always pay it back. I am about to be up to $150 on credit today, if he helps me out this one last time. He told me I am getting too high, and I need to cut back and that he can't keep doing this.  He is right. This heroin just isn't keeping me high as long as it used to.  :(

I have moved on to shooting up in my wrists and hands. My arms look terrible. Mostly because I need new syringes. It is getting harder to hit my veins. But I am getting pretty good at getting the small ones in my hands.  

Anyway...I just wanted to post something real quick. I haven't been updating as much lately.  I have been obsessing over heroin. If I did quit, I don't know what I would do with myself, with my time.

Anyway.......I'll write more later.

Well Hello

It has been over a week since I have posted. The last time I updated, I was worried about the drug test that I had to take for work. I know that I failed it. But my bosses have yet to say anything to me about it. So I am very confused. Does it really take this long to get results?? I have still been scoring heroin every day.  Sometimes I take a step back, and look at my life. Just yesterday, I was thinking, "How in the hell did I get to where I am today?  A heroin addict." I can't believe where I am at in life. It is pretty disappointing. I know what I need to do in order to fix it, I just can't seem to find the motivation to do it. I suffer severely from depression, and I seriously feel like I need the help of something to get through every day. And right now, the heroin is what helps.

So every day I am anxious and on edge, expecting to get fired. But it hasn't happened yet. Every morning I call my dealer and ask him to bring me some heroin to work. Then I call him again when I get off work to bring me some more. Every now and then I ask him to give me some on credit. I always pay him back the next day. Yesterday I asked him to front me some on credit, and he did. I didnt work today, so yesterday I told myself that I would use my suboxone, and try to get off the heroin. I knew I wouldn't have money today, and I knew my dealer wouldn't give me anymore, since I already owe him, so I knew I would HAVE to be without heroin today and figured I might as well use this to try to get clean. When I woke up this morning, I decided to just ask him if he would give me more even though I owe him. I decided that if he wouldn't, then I would just go ahead with the suboxone, but if he would..then I would hold off. I seriously thought he wouldn't give me any. But go figure, he said he would. I know it is not his fault for me not quitting, but everytime I am about to quit, I always test him to see if I can get more out of him, and he always gives me some. When I met him today, he yelled and cussed me out because he is tired of me calling him so early every morning and wanting me to meet him in the same spot, blah blah. I didnt care, I was just glad to have the heroin. I was feeling so very sick this morning. It is so amazing how that shot of heroin will immediately take away those awful sick feelings.

So that is it. Everyday at work I call him, and then sneak away to meet him to get my heroin. It stresses me out, because I have to rush, and worry and hope that noone sees me or notices that I have been gone. Sometimes I think I enjoy living with chaos in my life.

I saved a tiny bit of heroin for in the mornig. I will try to hold off and not call me dealer so early so I don't piss him off. But I may not be able to at all if they decide to fire me tomorrow.

I still have not gotten my license. All I have to do is pay some fines, but I haven't done it yet because I spend all my money on heroin. I feel guilty every day. Guilty that I am behind on some important bills, guilty that I am lieing to everyone.  I don't know what to do. I don't have the strength to quit. I don't have the strength to get through life completely sober.  I need some motivation. I use to think I was so strong.

No news yet...

I am still on edge, waiting on the news that I am fired. But noone has said anything yet. It is killing me. My boss asked me to work in the morning, so of course, I said sure. I need the money! Anyway.....I don't really have anything to say. I need to get to bed, because I have to be at work at 7 am and it is 1 am not. So, GOODNIGHT

Wrong? Or am I overreacting?

I was not fired today. Apparently they don't have the results yet. I am supposed to work tomorrow at 3. I would imagine that they would have received the test results by then. I hope not.

So I got my heroin on my way to work. I did a decent shot, and felt pretty good. I bought some more when I got off, and just did most of it. This is my favorite part of the day. Getting off work around 11 pm...getting my drugs, going home when everyone is asleep. I get the house all to myself, so I get to get really high, and enjoy myeslf. I usually spend the time on the internet, listening to music, and nodding off until I finally decide to get in my comfortable bed, and fall asleep. It is like heaven to me.

So lately I have been doing some snooping. I was looking through my mom's cell phone. She and my sister talk about me a lot. There was one text to my mom from my sister..this is what it said..."Hey, what was Michele's 1st grade teachers name?? I am trying to hack into her facebook account and that is what her security question is.." And so my mom replied with one of my old teachers names...but it wasn't the correct one. So..HAH! But that made me so mad. SERIOUSLY? She and my mom were trying to hack my facebook account, and acting like it is no big deal?! I personally think it IS a big deal. Does anyone else think that is wrong?? There was another text...Last week, my parent's were out of town, so I had the house all alone. I woke up that morning to find that my sister was here. I didn't care, I was just startled..I didnt think anyone was here. My sister sent a text to my mom saying...."Michele seemed aggravated that I was here this morning, I think that is SO FUNNY HAHA!" And my mom replied//"LOL yep that is funy!!" What the hell? It is so ridiculous. There have been things that I have said to my mom that I had hoped she wouldn't repeat to anyone, and later I find out that she tells my sister..  And they wonder why I stay to myself. It hurts my feelings. I really want to confront my mom about it, and let her know that I know of all the things they are saying and trying to hack my stuff and all that, and let her know it hurts my feelings. Now I know...I was snooping through HER phone...but it was because I knew they were saying stuff and doing stuff behind my back. I erally just feel all alone. My family against me.  Oh well.

So Nervous

I have to be at work in 30 minutes. I am so nervous, I hope I am not fired. But I've got a feeling I won't be fired today. I just called up there to see what time I work, and they didnt say anything unusual. I called my dealer, because I am SO nervous, and especially so since I am withdrawing. I took some suboxone, but my heart is racing so badly. Sometimes it doesn't seem to work. I made plans with him to buy some heroin later on my break, when I make money. Then I called him back asking if he would just front it now, and I would pay him when I get off, so I dont have to worry about leaving in the middle of my shift. He agreed! Thank GOD. That means I can do some really soon, and that will make me feel so much better. I CANNOT believe he keeps fronting me liike this! But if I do get fired..I won't have the money to pay him tonight...oops. I will just have to see what happens.

Bad News

Well. the past few days I have been in my heroin fog. Buying heroin, getting really high, running out, getting more. A few days ago, I had my dealer bring me some to work. This stuff he has had recently has been a little stronger. So I did most of it at work. Usually I can hide the fact that I am high.. But when I did this...I kept catching myself nodding out at work. I could barely keep my eyes open. Someone even told me I looked fucked up, but she thought I was just tired. But I was feeling really good, and really happy.  Then all that came crashing down. About an hour and a half before my shift was over...I overheard my coworker saying that our boss just told her she had to take a random drug test today. I was thinking..."Well..I haven't heard anything yet, so maybe I haven't been chosen..." Then my manager called me to the office..he told me I had been selected for a random drug test today, and I had to do it in abut 30 minutes. OH MY GOD.  I was freaking out, but trying to play it cool. I tried to get out of it by saying I had to baby sit and had to be at my sisters....but he said if I don't do this now, I will be fired. :( So what was I to do?..Refuse to take it and be fired?....Go ahead and tell them I would fail and probably be fired?...or Just take test and see what they say? I KNOW that I failed it. For crying out loud, I just did a shot of heroin an hour before I took the test!? OH AND LETS NOT FORGET, I just smoked some crack with this homeless dude 2 days ago! Stupid, stupid me. When I was about to pee in the cup...I thought about pouring some water in it to dilute it, and hope that it would not be able to test correctly. Then I remembered they actually test the temperature right after I give it to them, so that wouldn't work. So I just said, SCREW IT, took the test, and let that be it. I had to work yesterday morning. I thought for sure they would tell me I was fired when I went in. But they didn't say anything, so I guess they didn't have the results.  I go in at 3 today. I KNOW they have to have the results by now, so most likely I will be fired tonight, I am so nervous. I really need to make money. But what is crazy...right after I took the test, I went and bought some more heroin and did it. Even yesterday after work, I got more. But that is it. It has to be. I am about to be fired. And don't have any money..so I just took some suboxone.  I had to tell my mom that I took a drug test and will probably be fired. I didn't hear the end of it. :( Just a huge disappointment.

I am also in some trouble with my last job. I got caught up in a scandal where we took old gift cards that were in the restaraunt...and then cashed them in for money and took the money. It is a long confusing story how we did it...but we ended up getting caught. So I am about to be charged for breach of trust. I am just waiting on my court date. But I just found this out..... After it happened..I had talked to the manager, and begged him not to press charges. He acted like he might just drop it..then I didn't hear anything from him for a while...then a few months went by and I was arrested for it and spent the day in jail. They let me go, and now I am just waiting on the trial. Well...I was on the computer just now..my sister left her facebook logged in, and I read something that she wrote to a friend ( I know, shame on me). But she was telling her friend that my step dad called my old manager and practically begged him to continue wtih this and press charges, because they think this might be the only thing that will help me. So they want me to go to jail. I guess I can understand, they are worried. But it really hurts my feelings and makes me angry that he would do that....it makes me sad. I feel like I have no one to turn to. But I  know, it is my own fault. I have done all these things myself.

I remember before  i went to jail, my mom and step dad were talking to me. My step dad is a cop by the way. They kept begging me to tell them who my dealer was. But I wouldn't tell them. Then they went on and on about how my dealer does not care about me at all, he is not my friend, he is just taking my money and ruining my life, and how they are so mad at him for doing this to me. All I could say was.."It is not his fault"...I mean really. Yes, he sells the drugs. But it is more my fault than his. If he didn't give it to me, I would try to get it somewhere else....he is not forcing me to use heroin.

Anyway. So that is what has been going on these past few days. I am feeling pretty nervous about going in to work tonight. I wonder what all they test for on those tests. We will see what happens....

Helpless

I am feeling pretty helpless to this addiction. This anxiety that I feel when I don't have it...then the excitement and happiness I feel when I do have it. It is such a roller coaster. I will make up any lie, make any promise, if I think it will help get me some. Is this going to go on forever?

I was about to take a break, and use my suboxone. Then my dealer told me he was getting some "brown". He said I shouldn't do as much, because it is a lot stronger. Of course, this MADE me want to try some. So I got some yesterday. It was so much better. Today I woke up....thinking about it.  But I knew I had no money. So I called my dealer, makeing excuses for why I don't have money, and begging him to front me. I am sure I sounded so desparate. But it worked. He is going to front me some. I have given that guy so much money, it won't hurt him to help me out a little.

So I will be getting some in the next hour. Not as much as I would like, beacuse he won't front me that much. But any is better than none.

Every day is the same in this life as an addict. I feel like I am stuck in repeat. The same day, over and over. Everyday, wanting some heroin....doing whatever I can do to get it, then finally getting it just to run out and have to do the same thing over. I am going nowhere with this. And I never will.

What a day

So, I woke up today, planning on being sober all day. Then the thought hit me to just ask my dude if he would front me a bag until tomorrow. Surprisingly he said yes, but it would be a little while because he was in the process of getting more. After a few hours, he said he should have it by 7:30 pm. I had to make up a lie that I was going out to eat with friends or my parents would be wondering where I was going. So I had to go ahead and leave because I told my mom I had to meet my friends by 7:30. As I was walking to the gas station, I ran into this homeless man. I made a post about him a few weeks ago when he came in to where I work, and I gave him food and a couple dollars. He seemed pretty nice. So he remembered me, and we talked for a minute. I told him I was meeting a friend, he told me he was on his way to buy a joint. I made it to the gas station, then used a pay phone to call me dealer. Bad News. He was not able to get any! The guy he was buying from was out. But he said he would try another route, but it would be later. So I decided to go home, and just tell my parents that something came up and dinner was cancelled. When I got home, my parents weren't even there. So I decided to call my dealer back just to see what time he thought he would have it. Good thing I called, because he was on his way to get some from someone else, yay. And he told me to call back in 30 min. So I went ahead and left, before my parents got back. As I was walking back to the gas station, I saw the same homeless man. So we stopped and talked again. I asked him if he found what he was looking for. He said he had to go all over the place to find it, but ended up finding weed and crack, and he was about to smoke, and asked if I cared to join. I had some time to kill, so I said sure, why not. So we made our way into a little wooded area close to the gas station. I think this area must be where he sleeps, or 'lives'. He put a shirt down on the ground for me to sit on, so I did. He was very polite. And then he pulled out his pipe, and we smoked. It was pretty good stuff. We just hung out and talked for a minute. He was saying how he could get us more once he had money. But I told him I had to go. He is a really nice person though. I am sure I will see him around. So I made it to the gas station, and finally was about to meet him and get my bag. I got it, and did most of it. I felt it, and it took away my withdrawals...but I didnt feel much at all. So I did the rest of the bag. Still don't feel too much. I don't know if it is because I smoked that pipe earlier o what. But I guess I shouldn't complain.

Anyway. So now I am home. Just took a shower, and am being lazy. Yes, I do feel guilty and ashamed of the things I do. I know it is wrong and I shouldn't be doing this stuff. But I still do it. I don't know why. Let's see what tomorrow brings...

geez

Well, my plan was to start suboxone today, since I don't have any money or heroin. Then my crazy mind decides to just ask my dealer if he would front me some. If he would, great, if not...fine, I will start suboxone. I asked him and he said yes, surprisingly. He used to never front me like this. So, I will be meeting him in a little bit. My mind decides to try every route of getting heroin. It is crazy.

HI!

I just got home about an hour ago from work. I bought a bag of heroin again once I got off. Now, my copping routine is like this... my dealer's girlfriend drives him to the road that I live on, which is like a quarter mile from where I work. So once I leave work, I give my dealer a call and I start walking home (since I currently don't have a license). As I am walking, eventually I will see them coming towards me in their car, they slow down and come to a quick stop, and we make the exchange, and then I keep on walking home, and they keep on driving. The road is not a very busy road, so it works out pretty good. My house is right on that road too, so it is convenient. We try to switch is up...because people start noticing things, and neither of us want to go to jail. Tonight, after I got my bag, I kept walking. After a few minutes a cop passed me. He slowed down a lot when he saw me, I guess to try to get a look at me, but kept going. It is somewhat shady, someone walking down that road at midnight. He ended up turning around and passing me again, going even slower. My heart started racing. I mean, I DID have a bag of heroin in my hand, and syringes in my pocket. And I began wondering if someone noticed us make the deal. The cop kept going, I walked faster, and finally made it home safe and sound. I always get paranoid nowadays when I see cops. Just because of all my past run ins with them.

I don't work tomorrow,  and I don't have money to buy heroin. I did the last of my bag not long ago. This means I will be 'attempting' to quit heroin. No, but seriously. I know I say this once a week, but I am pretty serious. I HAVE to. I get really anxious and start to freak out when I think about the stuff I need to catch up on..bills and such. So this is necessary. I have to quit living this way. I need to be sober. I need to be healthy...physically and mentally. I need to fix my issues...figure out what I am trying to drown out with heroin. What  is it that is making me so sad when I am sober. I really wish I had someone to talk to..a psychologist, a counselor...someone. My mom and step-dad say I can talk to them. But there is no way in hell I could talk to them.. No offense to them...but I feel like they are the last people I would talk to. They just don't understand.

Anyway, this is becoming hard to type. I am feeling pretty good from that bag of H. I will update more tomorrow, and hopefully I will be more motivated to quit....BYE

He said Yes.

So, I called my dealer back after a few minutes. And he let me...he said he would front me a fifty. But I have to pay extra for it. So I started walking to a gas station to meet him. I am surprised he let me do it this time...since he did it for me the other day. He doesn't like to make it a habit. But he knows I am good for it, and always pay extra just for him doing it for me and the trouble. But I already did it all. I feel better.

 As I was fixing up my shot, I started thinking about the first time I ever did heroin. I always thought that I would never do heroin, and never thought I would ever use a needle.. But the first time I ever used H was when I was sick...in withdrawals from oxy pills. I was in the process of trying to quit,,,and probably would have been successful if it weren't for this happeb\ning. I had just recently lost my job. (Got fired because of stupid things I was doing to get money for my pills) I ran out of money to buy my pills, so I had to quit. When I was going through my detox, and old friend of mine called me. We will call her L. She and I were big into pills and we always helped each other get them. She was a crazy girl. I hadn't talked to her or seen her in a while. She text me and made small talk...asking how I have been, etc.. Then she asked if I wanted some oxy pills, because she could get them for cheap. Well..all I had was $15, because I did a little work for my mom, and she paid me..but that was all I had left after I got gas. Of course I wanted one...as soon as the thought enters yours brain, you cant get it out. So I told her I only had enough to get one. She said that is fine...but she needed a ride. So I go pick her up..give her my money, take her to the person...I saw her make the exchange ....but all I saw in her hand was a baggie of powder. I was thinking,,,"What the hell, I thought we were getting pills." So I asked about it.,..and she said it is heroin....and that it is pretty much the same thing. I did not care, I was feeling sick, and already had it in my head that I was going to get high. She knew I had never done H or used a needle. So she said she would just give me a little, because that was all I would need...and she was going to shoot me up herself. I was very nervous, but also pretty excited. I watched her as she got the shot all ready.  But I couldn't watch her while she was injecting me. I had to turn my head and cover my face. She only gave me a little bit...but I began to feel it after about 10 seconds. It felt nice. It wasn't too intense, since it was a small amount, but still nice. I started feeling light headed, and my vision was blurry. I felt really good overall. After a while, I started nodding. It was great. I felt so good and happy for several hours. Over the next few days she kept calling me asking me for a ride....and in exchange, she would give me a shot of heroin. So if course I did it. After a little while, my body got hooked. I finally got a job, and was able to start making money and bu it on my own. So her dealer became my dealer.  And I have been using it ever since.  Sometimes I wish that day never happened. I wontder where I would be, or how different things would be. Would I have EVER used heroin? Would I still be using pills? Who knows.  But I think about that day a lot.

So sick of feeling this way

So my last post, I think I was saying that I was going ot try to quit, and use suboxone. That morning I took some suboxone. But the urges, once again, got overwhelming.  I broke down, and got my dealer to bring me some to work. So I have been using the last few days.  The last time I used was yesterday around 5 pm. So right now,  I am not feeling too good. I am shaky, panicky, and just really wanting a shot. I just called my dealer to see if he would front me a little something now, and I will pay him tonight and get more tonight. He told me to call him back in a few, he needs to see how much he has. Watch...he will tell me no. :( He let me do this the other day. But, when he does it for me, I give him an extra $20 or so for the trouble, which is the only reason he lets me do it. I know I shouldn't continue this, but it just makes me feel so much better.