43 Days

It's been 43 days of not using. Amazing. And I feel ok. Besides my personal issues. And they are much more obvious now that I am sober. I am unhappy. I need a job. I need a life. The only life, and fun I have..is with my sister. Which has totally caught me off guard. But she has really helped me out, just by spending time with me. I am ashamed of my life. I need to become a better person, build a life for myself. I just celebrated my 29th birthday. Wow...29. I am just not sure how I feel. But I AM sober.

I havent even really felt like updating later. I just don't have much to say.  :(

I am going to bed now...

Not sure what to think..

Ok..so I have not talked to me ex in about 11 months. He broke my heart terribly. I went through a lot of pain and suffering, a lot of stuff happened, and he got another girl pregnant. I thought we would be together forever. When our breakup happened, I emerged myself in the drugs...thats all I could do to forget the pain and sadness. We broke up well over a year ago...I havent even gone on a date or anything with anyone.

Well...I received an email from him today. It weird because I was thinking about him a lot a few days ago. He was asking me how I am and how my family is. He lives with his girlfriend and daughter...he shouldnt be messaging me. It took me SO long to even get close to getting over losing what we had, it still hurts. And now he wants to start talking to me like he cares. It's just not right. I didnt write him back, not even sure if I want to. I know if I talk to him he will want to hang out, and will act like he care and convince me to spend time with him. It will just screw with my head.

Anyway,,I stll havent used heroin, Its been about 3 weeks. I still need a job though,

It i 4 am and I cant sleep   :(

Slowly Getting Easier

So, I have not used heroin in 18 days. It is on my mind at least once a day, but not constantly like before. I dream about it every few days.

I am not doing much though, I have been staying to myself. I didn't leave this house for about 15 days. Finally, my sister came over..we went to the store, then came back home and hung out...joked, laughed..it was fun actually. I hadn't laughed in a very long time. I appreciate her doing that.

Everything seems so far out of reach. I have dug myself a very deep hole, and I don't know how to get out of it. If I could get a job, that would be the first step. If I start making money, and get my license back, I think I will gain the confidence to move forward. But I am having a really hard time. Honestly, sometimes it just seems easier to just give up, to leave this world for good.

But all in all, I suppose I am doing better, without the heroin. Although I do wish I could get high sometimes. But I know that is out of the question right now, and I am ok with it.

These past few years, since I have been going through my addiction, I never treated myself with anything. Well, other than the heroin of course. But I mean, I never bought myself anything, went on any trips, I never really cared for myself.  I just didn't think much of myself I suppose. And unfortunalely, those feelings are still there. Especially when all I think of is...I am an addict,, I was shooting up heroin, lied to all my friends and family, stole, went to jail...how can I feel good about myself and think that I am worth anything? That is my main issue right now.  I think that is why it is so hard to move forward..I have no motivation to do it..what is the point? But I am working on that.

A year ago, I remember thinking that I would be using heroin forever. I didn't see any end in sight. I have gone through so much these past few years..it is hard to think about.  Maybe things will be much different in another year.

So, I have a problem. When I am getting to know a guy, and we are learning about each other, am I supposed to let him know about my problem, my addiction? So many times, I want to tell him, because I want him to truly know me, but then I get scared. I am afraid of being judged and being looked down on. I feel like noone really knows me.

:)

These past 2 days have just been great.  I cannot tell you how different I feel. I finally have some feeling, emotionally. I finally feel good at times, happy. It has been 11 days since I used heroin. It has been at least 3 years since I have gone this long without anything. I have life inside of me. I am getting motivation. I am excited about the future, about getting a job...about getting my license back, getting a nice car, meeting some friends. I have no friends. I have no one that I talk to...noone that I hang out with. I wouldn't know what to do being around people and socializing. But I am excited to get to that point.  But first and foremost, I HAVE to get a job. I have to start paying on this probation.

It is just so unreal to me. I keep thinking of how nice it is, not worrying about being sick. But the thing is, I LOVE how the heroin makes me feel. But the truth is, it is impossible to continue life successfully, and use every day with a habit. I still think about it. I dreamt about it the other day. But right now, I am just thrilled that I FINALLY feel good.  Addiction is pure hell. I was so trapped and lost. Even though it was only 2 weeks ago, I look back at that time and see how terribly sad, and lost, and stuck I was.

I am still not 100% back to normal, of course. But I feel very good. I honestly feel like, if I can get a job....my life is going to turn around. I look back to 10 years ago....and I see now how I was suffering then...with addiction and depression. But I didn't realize I was an addict then. But now, it is all so clear to me. I didn't realize I was an addict until I got to my worst. I thought I just really enjoyed using drugs and drinking. Once I found opiates, Roxis to be exact, I lost it all...and then I found heroin and lost even more and stole straight from my parent's house just so I wouldn't get sick.That is when I knew I was an addict.

I have a lot to work on. And I know 11 days is not much...but considering that I haven't gone this long in 3 years...I am happy.


:)

Hey Everyone

Well..First off...I feel pretty good today! I am still sneezing some, and have very light back pain. I still am feeling anxious. But considering how I WAS feeling...I am so thrilled. I still love heroin and miss it....but it isn't on my mind 24/7. I now think of how shitty it makes me feel when I can't get any. It is terrible. It is holding me back. Just going through the roller coaster of using, finding money to score, trying ot make it last, hoping I can score again the next morning...It is so exhausting. It takes everything out of me, and it consumes me. It leaves me with no motivation to live the life that I used to want. No motivation to be successful. No motivation to live, period. And that is the truth. I do wish that I could use it on occasion, rarely...as a treat. But I don't know how possible that is. But I am not going to think of that right now.

I have a lot to work on. It has only been 5 days since I last used heroin. But I have so many obstacles to get through...all brought on by my drug use.  This probation thing is a big hassle, but it has to be done. I really just need a job.

When I went to my first probation meeting, the officer said he is going to refer me to a rehab center. I haven't heard anything from them yet though. I do think I need it. Because as soon as I start making money, I don't know that I can resist the urge to use.

Hopefully tomorrow I will feel even better. And hopefully soon some positive things will start happening in my life!

This is HARD

Hi. So I have not used heroin in 3 days. But in a span of 2 days, I used 2 lortabs...which is not much at all for me. I am not feeling so hot today. I am having back pains, anxiety, and just an overall uncomfortableness.  Plus, the mental thing is really hard today. I have been searching through this house looking frantically for money or something to trade for drugs. But I made myself quit. I bought a bottle of sleeping pills the other day, but my mom took them from me and just gives me one a night. I could use several of those right now.

I hope so badly that I can get some sleep tonight, and feel better tomorrow. I have got to look for a job, but I just can't do it feeling this way.

I found some myrrh oil in my house. I read that it has been known to have a calming, sedating effect, and can help with pain.  So I took some...anything is worth a try. But it taste so nasty!!

Anyway...that is all for now. I cannot wait until I feel NORMAL, and feel GOOD. PLEASE GOD LET IT HAPPEN SOON.

Struggling a bit

I got some heroin a couple days ago. The highest I have ever been.  I did it all that night. Over these past 2 ays, I have used 2 lortab pills. It has kept most of the withdrawals away. I am all out now though. So I will feel like crap in the morning, I am sure.

I was watching this show called Elementary. This guy in the show is a recovering heroin addict, and seeing him and his temptation, it just made me want to use. But I can't.

When I went to talk to my probation officer, I told him I had a problem with drugs. He asked me what drugs I use...I was ashamed to say it, but I told him...heroin. He just shook his head. He said that once people start using heroin, they never quit, they use it for life. I told him, no...I will quit. He said...no, they never can quit. Wow...thanks for the inspiration buddy. But maybe he is right.

Right now, I keep searching for a purpose, for some motivation. I can't seem to find anything. I have to get through this.

Crying...

So, I forgot to mention..the other day, my probation officer stopped by just to meet me. He saw my stepdads patrol car, (he is a cop). He was aksing about that, and asking about his guns. He said I am already violating my probatoin by being in a household with guns. He asked if I could possibly go stay in a shelter. NO! I can't!   Hopefully we can work something out...

But just now, my parents said they want to talk to me. They were going on and on about all the money I have spent on drugs, and how I need to admit that I have a problem. I DO admit it!! I told them that! They were fussing at me because I plead guilty to the judge without an attorney. I couldn't afford an attorney! They were just really coming down on me.  And saying how I need to open up to them. They were asking me what all drugs I have done. I told them I am uncomfortable telling them. They got mad and said I need to open up. I told them it is easier for me to open up to someone that isn't family. That also made them mad. Then they were going on and on about how they just want better for me and that I am better than this.

I just want to die.


This song really means a lot to me...especially now

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Tired of feeling this way

I still can't believe that after one day of use, I am feeling withdrawals. I could not sleep at all last night. Today, my whole body hurts and I am exhausted.  I could possibly get some more tomorrow, but the thought that it would send me right back into feeling this way the next day is making me aprehensive. I don't know what I am going to do.

Fed Up

I am so fed up. I went 9 days without heroin. And then I use it one day..and then a day later, I feel withdrawals. What the hell? I woke up this morning feeling like shit. Body aches, and sneezing a million times. It is crazy. I hate heroin because of this. You would think that taking a 9 day break, and then using once, that I wouldn't feel withdrawals. I hate it.  Oh well..I just drank a beer, about to drank another one. Hopefully I won't feel much worse than this.

Woke up confused

Well, I woke up very confused. It was one of those mornings where you aren't sure what happened last night.  But then I remembered. I definitely have a headache this morning. I was so high last night. I don't think I had ever been that high. It was crazy.  I remember I was trying to feed my dogs, I was standing at the counter putting food in their bowls. I nodded out for the longest time standing there. Finally I snapped awake...and my poor dogs were laying there so patiently waiting on me....they looked so anxious to get their food. I couldn't help but laugh. But I enjoyed myself very much last night.  I just couldn't really do anything productive, at all. But I had lots of fun.

I had a lot of dreams last night. One, I was with my dad just hanging out. He passed away a couple years ago..I miss him a lot.  In another dream....my mom and stepdad were confronting me and told me they knew I was high...and I was basically in a lot of trouble.  I think I had a lot of dreams like that one.

But as soon as I did that first shot yesterday., it felt like I had no tolerance at all! It was great. I was very pleased, and think I will be satisified for a while. I guess I have to be!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

WOW!~   It was a success!!! Im home, and very high I did just shoot up, now im gonna do the rest. This feels so great, and my tolerance DID lower as I was hoping it would! But I am just enjoying it this one last time tonight. Let me shoot up, I will write more in aa bit!


:)

So...

I walked up to the post office that is right up the street from me. I told my mom I was going for a run so she wouldn't suspect anything.The lady said she could cash the money order, except for one thing...she didn't have enough money in her register to cover it..so she couldn't!! This is a tiny town that I am in...thank goodness because it ended up helping me out.  The lady working told me that the post office a few minutes away would have the money. But I told her I didn't have a car, and couldn't walk that far and make it in time. Then an older lady walked in and started talking to the lady that worked there, apparently she knew her... The worker asked the old woman where she was headed and if she could take me to the other post office. So, she said sure! YAY. So this little old lady took me to the post office and back, and I was able to cash the money order!!!

When I made it back, my mom and step dad were looking at me, like they were trying to see if I was high. Then they were talking to me telling me that I really have to take this probation seriously and get through it and not screw up. Theyre right.

But I am getting high tonight. I have the money. I am just waiting on them to leave..they are going to a football game...then I am meeting my dealer!

Ill write more later.......

So freaking excited.

Well, I checked in today at the probation office. She just told me who my agent will be, and I have to go back on Tuesday to talk to him.

I have been trying to think of a way to get some money. I have had a money order sitting in my room for $100 for about 5 or 6 months now..but it is made out to the court. I was originally going to use it to pay a traffic ticket, but have not needed it yet. So I didn't think there was any way I could get my money back, since I don't have the receipt. Well, I decided to call the post office and ask her if I could. She said as long as my name is in the "From" section, then I can cash it. YAY!!!! I was so thrilled to hear that. Then I immediately called my dealer. He was happy to hear from me (of course) and was asking where I had been. But I just wanted to make sure that he had some. I will just have to pay him to bring it to me. But I am so freaking excited.  I know, it is stupid. But if I do it tonight, that will give me 3 full days to get it out of my system, in case I do have to take a drug test on Tuesday.  And, I haven't used in about 9 days, so my tolerance should be down. I can't believe this gets me so excited.

Anyway...I will update later. Hopefully I have no problems cashing that money order.

Tired

So, I am guessing that I finally fell asleep shortly after 5. I got about 2 hours of sleep. I woke up feeling half dead. I am just tired, of everything. I wish I could get my hands on some money..somehow.

Oh well. My back is hurting today. This lack of sleep is really taking a toll on me...........

4 in the morning

I am so tired of not being able to sleep. Every night, I can't fall asleep until 4 or 5...and lately I have been getting up around 7 to take care of this court and probation stuff. It is wearing on me. Tonight, I just don't feel tired. I keep thinking about heroin. But it isn't that terrible need, where I feel like I have to have it. It is just excitement of knowing I MIGHT be able to get some in the next few days.

I just had to get out of my bed for a minute. Maybe I can somehow get myself to fall asleep.   Goodnight

Hello World

I know noone really reads this, but it feels good just to get some thoughts out. I have always been one to keep a journal that I write in, but I have thrown all my journals and writings away and no longer keep an actual journal on paper. The reason for that is because it is supposed to be private. And I know my family snoops through my stuff, and there are plenty of things I don't want to share with them. Even just some thoughts that I don't want them to know.

Anyway. I am not sure how I feel.  Two days ago I had to go to court. I was being charged with breach of trust, a felony. I went ahead and plead guilty. There was a possibility that I could go to jail for nearly 5 years.  I was worried, because I do have a few other convictions from my past. But luckily, I got probation for 18 months, and I have to pay restitution and fees, which is pretty close to $9000 total, but will be broken down into monthly payments. That is a lot of money. But I know I have spent way more than that on my drugs. Tomorrow, I go  check in for the first time and meet my probation officer. I wonder if I will be drug tested on my first day?

I haven't used heroin in 8 days. I woke up this morning, and thought to myself..."Wow, I actually feel...NORMAL..."   When I was using constantly, I remember just looking at other people, coworkers, friends...and just seeing them go about their business, all smiles and happy, just being normal and sober...and I would try to remember what it was like.. not having to worry about making sure I always had another shot lined up. Making sure I had the money, etc. But, now I am there. I still have a few body aches. But today is the first time I have finally felt 'normal'. Oh, and it is weird. In the past, any time I try to quit, I would dream EVERY night about heroin, and would wake up wanting it very badly. But this time....these past 8 days...I haven't had one dream about it until last night. But in my dream I wasn't able to get any, and then I woke up.

But, I still want some heroin very badly, but the cravings are not as bad as they used to be. I want to get high, but the fact that I can now be drug tested is weighing heavily on me. I will get high again soon though. Very soon.

I guess that is all for now.  I need to try to get some sleep. I get to report to my probation officer tomorrow, yay.

GOODNIGHT

HEY

Ok, so it has been a whole 7 days without heroin. I think it has been about 3 or 4 days without suboxone. Today I am feeling all kinds of aches. Especially my back. And I feel exhausted. Shouldn't these aches be gone by now??

Last nigh I drank..the first time in a long time. I was drinking alone in my room, jamming out to my music. I finished off the bottle. As soon as I took my last shot, my stomach turned and I was gagging. After trying to hold it back, I threw up. :( yuck.

I had court today. I pled guilty. I am now on probation. I have GOT to get a job. This shit sucks. PROBATION?! Oh man.

There is nothing I want more right now, than some heroin.

Anyway. I will write more later....

ALCOHOL!!!!!!

Well. I will say it has been a LONG time since I drank. Now, this is where it all began. Drinking. In highschool, then college. The start of it all. But ever since I met the love of my life, opiates...I have had no desire for alcohol. None, whatsover. Even when I couldn't get any opiates, or when I was taking a break.. wonder why that is. But I guess I am bored. I have had half a bottle of vodka in my room for months now. Tonight I decided to pull it out, but I almost had to convince myself to drink. But I have had a few shots now. I got my radio going, and I am enjoying myself.  i am about to go take another shot. I havent listened to any music in a long time. I have missed it. Anyway..I will write more later.

Hello Again

So, today is day 6 without any heroin.  That is wild. I can't even tell you how long it has been since I have gone longer than a day without it. Now, yes, I used one suboxone over a period of about 3 days. I feel...OK. Not great. I defiitely never felt the severe withdrawal symptoms, thanks to the suboxone. I feel worse today than I did yesterday, but I am sure that is because the suboxone is all out of my system now. It is just so weird. To not be worried about how I will get more...but then again, I miss it.

I woke up at 6 am today after finally falling asleep around 3am. I thought today was my court date. I got up and took my dogs out. Then I started thinking of how I really want to go back to bed, and how nice it would be if I looked at the date wrong and it was actually tomorrow. So I deciced to look at the paper again. Wow.....my luck is good. haha. I DID read it wrong, it was actually tomorrow morning. So right back to bed I went!

Anyway...I have been jobless for a week now. I really haven't even begun looking for another job. I think I just needed some time...to get through this. To get clean. Even though, every day I think, "Is there any way I can get my hands on some money???" Because it would be so nice to be able to get high. If I had the cash, I would get high, without a doubt.  That is the hard part. How do I keep myself from getting it when I have the means? I am not strong enough when it comes to that!

It is a great feeling when I think about it, knowing I dont HAVE to have the heroin. But it is all that is on my mind. It is such a weird thing. I am especially excited now because I know that when I finally do get some, my tolerance will be much much lower.

I am more emotional now. I guess it is because I am just not numbing my emotions. I think about my past, A LOT. Man...it is crazy. The things I have done. I look back, and all I see is a girl that was lost, and tried to numb herself in any way she could. Someone that just wanted to escape. Someone that had no direction. That is me.

Anwway. I cannot believe it has been almost 9 months since I got arrested. 10 months ago I was at my worst. Absolutely at my worst. It makes my stomach turn when I think back at things. I cannot believe I got to that point. I am still stuck. I don't know what I would be doing if it weren't for my mom and stepdad. Where would I be? It is scary really.

So, I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. Still trying to find myself, and understand myself.

Been A While

Well. A lot has been going on. Most importantly...a few days ago, I went  in to work like usual. That morning I bought a whole gram and another $30 worth. I did some of it at work. After my shift was over, my manager told me that there was something he needed to talk to me about. My heart pounded. My mind was racing..."What could it be?" I wondered. I was thinking.."Did someone catch me using drugs?....are they going to look at my arms?....but then I remembered the drug test. Ah yes, the drug test.. He informed me that he received a call about the drug test that I had taken MONTHS ago. He was told that I failed it and they had to let me go. Why in the world did it take ALL this time??? I totally understood...it wasn't his fault. I knew I had failed that test. I was surprised it took that long to fire me. Immediately I almost felt a bit of relief. I knew that if I took some time off from work, that would mean I would take some time off from heroin and would HAVE to get some clean time. I knew as long as I was working and making money daily, I would continue this cycle. So it alsmost was a breath of fresh air to know this cycle had to stop, at least for a little while. Then as I started walking home, I remembered I had bought a large amount that morning and still had most of it. The thought crossed my mind that I could just do it all at once and try to kill myself. But I knew deep down that this H I have been getting lately wasnt strong enough to OD on. In fact, I did do it all that night, and was disappointed. Very disappointed. My plan was to start using my suboxone the next day. But as soon as I woke up, I suddenly remembered the 50 dollars I had left. So, I just had to get one more bag. There was no way out of it. I couldn't talk myself out of it. If i have the cash, it is almost impossible to keep me from getting it. Sad, huh. The next day, I knew I didn't have any money, so I was okay with starting my suboxone. So here we are now...this is my second day without any heroin. The longest I have gone in a long time.  I told my mom today that I was fired. I was afraid to tell her. I hate all the disappointment I keep causing. I know she is no longer proud of me. Why should she be. All the pics on her fridge.....the ones of me are getting to be less and less. I noticed that yesterday. I have really got to do something.

I have to go to court on the 16th. There is a posibility that I could do some jail time.

I have got to get control.

Aggravated

So 2 days ago, I bought my H like usual...but it didn't seem too strong...but I was already high, so I didn't pay much attention. I woke up yesterday morning sick, and did the last of my bag. But it didn't take my sickness away! So I got a ride to get another bag before work. I did almost the whole bag....and I didnt feel anything!...So I got another bag..he brought it to me this time. Once again, NOTHING...except it slightly took away the sickness. I was freaking out, and was so disappointed. I wasted all that money. I called him and told him it was shit. He said he got it from someone new and he wouldnt get it anymore. Whatever! So after work, I had to get a suboxone from him, thank god he had it. He fronted it to me since I spent all my money on FAKE heroin. I was afraind to take the suboxone, because  I didnt know if there actually was any H in those bags, and I didn't want the whole precipitated withdrawals. But I was already feeling sick anyway, so I took about half the pill. I finally got a little sleep, and feel better today. So this is the longest I have been without any H in a while. I am trying to get in touch with my guy to see when he is getting new stuff. Until then, I will just stick with the suboxone. I cannot believe he is selling that crap, it makes me so mad. He has never done me this way before!

A lot has been going on lately, but I will have to make another post later. Pretty soon I will HAVE to quit, because I will either be on probation or doing some major jail time. But I will get into that soon.

Suboxone really is amazing. It takes away most of my pains..and they are some terrible pains. It just leaves me with very fast heartbeat and nervousness/anxiety. But I will take this over the full withdrawals any day.

Just got off the phone, he is getting new stuff today. So I will be getting some tomorrow..it better be good.

My mom bought some Milk Thistle and said I should take it because it is supposed to clean out your liver. I just read that it may also lower your tolerance of opiates. I figured I will give it a try and see if I notice anything.. anyway....Ill update more soon.

Sad

Yesterday while I was at work, this guy in his 30's came in. He was very friendly, and very talkative. I found out that he was terminally ill, and was given only a year and a half to live. All I kept thinking was, "Wow, his pupils are tiny, I bet he has got some great medicine...".  Crazy. But his situation is sad. He was in great spirits though, I was surprised. I can't imagine knowing I was going to die soon. It made me look at my life and realize I don't have it as bad as some people.

I was just about to post a blog....it was pretty long...and somehow i accidentally deleted the whole thing, and it didn't save in my drafts!!! :(   Oh well....I will write it later. It has been a while since I updated...a lot has been goin on...ill update soon

Becoming too much of a hassle

I have noticed how much control this heroin has on my life. It is sad...when I cannot get in touch with my dealer, I become completely depressed, angry and very withdrawn. I obsess over it, trying to get in touch with him. Then when I finally do, you would think I won the lottery. It is ridiculous.

Lately, I have been doing too much. My dealer has actually been giving me a lot of credit, because I always pay it back. I am about to be up to $150 on credit today, if he helps me out this one last time. He told me I am getting too high, and I need to cut back and that he can't keep doing this.  He is right. This heroin just isn't keeping me high as long as it used to.  :(

I have moved on to shooting up in my wrists and hands. My arms look terrible. Mostly because I need new syringes. It is getting harder to hit my veins. But I am getting pretty good at getting the small ones in my hands.  

Anyway...I just wanted to post something real quick. I haven't been updating as much lately.  I have been obsessing over heroin. If I did quit, I don't know what I would do with myself, with my time.

Anyway.......I'll write more later.

Well Hello

It has been over a week since I have posted. The last time I updated, I was worried about the drug test that I had to take for work. I know that I failed it. But my bosses have yet to say anything to me about it. So I am very confused. Does it really take this long to get results?? I have still been scoring heroin every day.  Sometimes I take a step back, and look at my life. Just yesterday, I was thinking, "How in the hell did I get to where I am today?  A heroin addict." I can't believe where I am at in life. It is pretty disappointing. I know what I need to do in order to fix it, I just can't seem to find the motivation to do it. I suffer severely from depression, and I seriously feel like I need the help of something to get through every day. And right now, the heroin is what helps.

So every day I am anxious and on edge, expecting to get fired. But it hasn't happened yet. Every morning I call my dealer and ask him to bring me some heroin to work. Then I call him again when I get off work to bring me some more. Every now and then I ask him to give me some on credit. I always pay him back the next day. Yesterday I asked him to front me some on credit, and he did. I didnt work today, so yesterday I told myself that I would use my suboxone, and try to get off the heroin. I knew I wouldn't have money today, and I knew my dealer wouldn't give me anymore, since I already owe him, so I knew I would HAVE to be without heroin today and figured I might as well use this to try to get clean. When I woke up this morning, I decided to just ask him if he would give me more even though I owe him. I decided that if he wouldn't, then I would just go ahead with the suboxone, but if he would..then I would hold off. I seriously thought he wouldn't give me any. But go figure, he said he would. I know it is not his fault for me not quitting, but everytime I am about to quit, I always test him to see if I can get more out of him, and he always gives me some. When I met him today, he yelled and cussed me out because he is tired of me calling him so early every morning and wanting me to meet him in the same spot, blah blah. I didnt care, I was just glad to have the heroin. I was feeling so very sick this morning. It is so amazing how that shot of heroin will immediately take away those awful sick feelings.

So that is it. Everyday at work I call him, and then sneak away to meet him to get my heroin. It stresses me out, because I have to rush, and worry and hope that noone sees me or notices that I have been gone. Sometimes I think I enjoy living with chaos in my life.

I saved a tiny bit of heroin for in the mornig. I will try to hold off and not call me dealer so early so I don't piss him off. But I may not be able to at all if they decide to fire me tomorrow.

I still have not gotten my license. All I have to do is pay some fines, but I haven't done it yet because I spend all my money on heroin. I feel guilty every day. Guilty that I am behind on some important bills, guilty that I am lieing to everyone.  I don't know what to do. I don't have the strength to quit. I don't have the strength to get through life completely sober.  I need some motivation. I use to think I was so strong.

No news yet...

I am still on edge, waiting on the news that I am fired. But noone has said anything yet. It is killing me. My boss asked me to work in the morning, so of course, I said sure. I need the money! Anyway.....I don't really have anything to say. I need to get to bed, because I have to be at work at 7 am and it is 1 am not. So, GOODNIGHT

Wrong? Or am I overreacting?

I was not fired today. Apparently they don't have the results yet. I am supposed to work tomorrow at 3. I would imagine that they would have received the test results by then. I hope not.

So I got my heroin on my way to work. I did a decent shot, and felt pretty good. I bought some more when I got off, and just did most of it. This is my favorite part of the day. Getting off work around 11 pm...getting my drugs, going home when everyone is asleep. I get the house all to myself, so I get to get really high, and enjoy myeslf. I usually spend the time on the internet, listening to music, and nodding off until I finally decide to get in my comfortable bed, and fall asleep. It is like heaven to me.

So lately I have been doing some snooping. I was looking through my mom's cell phone. She and my sister talk about me a lot. There was one text to my mom from my sister..this is what it said..."Hey, what was Michele's 1st grade teachers name?? I am trying to hack into her facebook account and that is what her security question is.." And so my mom replied with one of my old teachers names...but it wasn't the correct one. So..HAH! But that made me so mad. SERIOUSLY? She and my mom were trying to hack my facebook account, and acting like it is no big deal?! I personally think it IS a big deal. Does anyone else think that is wrong?? There was another text...Last week, my parent's were out of town, so I had the house all alone. I woke up that morning to find that my sister was here. I didn't care, I was just startled..I didnt think anyone was here. My sister sent a text to my mom saying...."Michele seemed aggravated that I was here this morning, I think that is SO FUNNY HAHA!" And my mom replied//"LOL yep that is funy!!" What the hell? It is so ridiculous. There have been things that I have said to my mom that I had hoped she wouldn't repeat to anyone, and later I find out that she tells my sister..  And they wonder why I stay to myself. It hurts my feelings. I really want to confront my mom about it, and let her know that I know of all the things they are saying and trying to hack my stuff and all that, and let her know it hurts my feelings. Now I know...I was snooping through HER phone...but it was because I knew they were saying stuff and doing stuff behind my back. I erally just feel all alone. My family against me.  Oh well.

So Nervous

I have to be at work in 30 minutes. I am so nervous, I hope I am not fired. But I've got a feeling I won't be fired today. I just called up there to see what time I work, and they didnt say anything unusual. I called my dealer, because I am SO nervous, and especially so since I am withdrawing. I took some suboxone, but my heart is racing so badly. Sometimes it doesn't seem to work. I made plans with him to buy some heroin later on my break, when I make money. Then I called him back asking if he would just front it now, and I would pay him when I get off, so I dont have to worry about leaving in the middle of my shift. He agreed! Thank GOD. That means I can do some really soon, and that will make me feel so much better. I CANNOT believe he keeps fronting me liike this! But if I do get fired..I won't have the money to pay him tonight...oops. I will just have to see what happens.

Bad News

Well. the past few days I have been in my heroin fog. Buying heroin, getting really high, running out, getting more. A few days ago, I had my dealer bring me some to work. This stuff he has had recently has been a little stronger. So I did most of it at work. Usually I can hide the fact that I am high.. But when I did this...I kept catching myself nodding out at work. I could barely keep my eyes open. Someone even told me I looked fucked up, but she thought I was just tired. But I was feeling really good, and really happy.  Then all that came crashing down. About an hour and a half before my shift was over...I overheard my coworker saying that our boss just told her she had to take a random drug test today. I was thinking..."Well..I haven't heard anything yet, so maybe I haven't been chosen..." Then my manager called me to the office..he told me I had been selected for a random drug test today, and I had to do it in abut 30 minutes. OH MY GOD.  I was freaking out, but trying to play it cool. I tried to get out of it by saying I had to baby sit and had to be at my sisters....but he said if I don't do this now, I will be fired. :( So what was I to do?..Refuse to take it and be fired?....Go ahead and tell them I would fail and probably be fired?...or Just take test and see what they say? I KNOW that I failed it. For crying out loud, I just did a shot of heroin an hour before I took the test!? OH AND LETS NOT FORGET, I just smoked some crack with this homeless dude 2 days ago! Stupid, stupid me. When I was about to pee in the cup...I thought about pouring some water in it to dilute it, and hope that it would not be able to test correctly. Then I remembered they actually test the temperature right after I give it to them, so that wouldn't work. So I just said, SCREW IT, took the test, and let that be it. I had to work yesterday morning. I thought for sure they would tell me I was fired when I went in. But they didn't say anything, so I guess they didn't have the results.  I go in at 3 today. I KNOW they have to have the results by now, so most likely I will be fired tonight, I am so nervous. I really need to make money. But what is crazy...right after I took the test, I went and bought some more heroin and did it. Even yesterday after work, I got more. But that is it. It has to be. I am about to be fired. And don't have any money..so I just took some suboxone.  I had to tell my mom that I took a drug test and will probably be fired. I didn't hear the end of it. :( Just a huge disappointment.

I am also in some trouble with my last job. I got caught up in a scandal where we took old gift cards that were in the restaraunt...and then cashed them in for money and took the money. It is a long confusing story how we did it...but we ended up getting caught. So I am about to be charged for breach of trust. I am just waiting on my court date. But I just found this out..... After it happened..I had talked to the manager, and begged him not to press charges. He acted like he might just drop it..then I didn't hear anything from him for a while...then a few months went by and I was arrested for it and spent the day in jail. They let me go, and now I am just waiting on the trial. Well...I was on the computer just now..my sister left her facebook logged in, and I read something that she wrote to a friend ( I know, shame on me). But she was telling her friend that my step dad called my old manager and practically begged him to continue wtih this and press charges, because they think this might be the only thing that will help me. So they want me to go to jail. I guess I can understand, they are worried. But it really hurts my feelings and makes me angry that he would do that....it makes me sad. I feel like I have no one to turn to. But I  know, it is my own fault. I have done all these things myself.

I remember before  i went to jail, my mom and step dad were talking to me. My step dad is a cop by the way. They kept begging me to tell them who my dealer was. But I wouldn't tell them. Then they went on and on about how my dealer does not care about me at all, he is not my friend, he is just taking my money and ruining my life, and how they are so mad at him for doing this to me. All I could say was.."It is not his fault"...I mean really. Yes, he sells the drugs. But it is more my fault than his. If he didn't give it to me, I would try to get it somewhere else....he is not forcing me to use heroin.

Anyway. So that is what has been going on these past few days. I am feeling pretty nervous about going in to work tonight. I wonder what all they test for on those tests. We will see what happens....

Helpless

I am feeling pretty helpless to this addiction. This anxiety that I feel when I don't have it...then the excitement and happiness I feel when I do have it. It is such a roller coaster. I will make up any lie, make any promise, if I think it will help get me some. Is this going to go on forever?

I was about to take a break, and use my suboxone. Then my dealer told me he was getting some "brown". He said I shouldn't do as much, because it is a lot stronger. Of course, this MADE me want to try some. So I got some yesterday. It was so much better. Today I woke up....thinking about it.  But I knew I had no money. So I called my dealer, makeing excuses for why I don't have money, and begging him to front me. I am sure I sounded so desparate. But it worked. He is going to front me some. I have given that guy so much money, it won't hurt him to help me out a little.

So I will be getting some in the next hour. Not as much as I would like, beacuse he won't front me that much. But any is better than none.

Every day is the same in this life as an addict. I feel like I am stuck in repeat. The same day, over and over. Everyday, wanting some heroin....doing whatever I can do to get it, then finally getting it just to run out and have to do the same thing over. I am going nowhere with this. And I never will.

What a day

So, I woke up today, planning on being sober all day. Then the thought hit me to just ask my dude if he would front me a bag until tomorrow. Surprisingly he said yes, but it would be a little while because he was in the process of getting more. After a few hours, he said he should have it by 7:30 pm. I had to make up a lie that I was going out to eat with friends or my parents would be wondering where I was going. So I had to go ahead and leave because I told my mom I had to meet my friends by 7:30. As I was walking to the gas station, I ran into this homeless man. I made a post about him a few weeks ago when he came in to where I work, and I gave him food and a couple dollars. He seemed pretty nice. So he remembered me, and we talked for a minute. I told him I was meeting a friend, he told me he was on his way to buy a joint. I made it to the gas station, then used a pay phone to call me dealer. Bad News. He was not able to get any! The guy he was buying from was out. But he said he would try another route, but it would be later. So I decided to go home, and just tell my parents that something came up and dinner was cancelled. When I got home, my parents weren't even there. So I decided to call my dealer back just to see what time he thought he would have it. Good thing I called, because he was on his way to get some from someone else, yay. And he told me to call back in 30 min. So I went ahead and left, before my parents got back. As I was walking back to the gas station, I saw the same homeless man. So we stopped and talked again. I asked him if he found what he was looking for. He said he had to go all over the place to find it, but ended up finding weed and crack, and he was about to smoke, and asked if I cared to join. I had some time to kill, so I said sure, why not. So we made our way into a little wooded area close to the gas station. I think this area must be where he sleeps, or 'lives'. He put a shirt down on the ground for me to sit on, so I did. He was very polite. And then he pulled out his pipe, and we smoked. It was pretty good stuff. We just hung out and talked for a minute. He was saying how he could get us more once he had money. But I told him I had to go. He is a really nice person though. I am sure I will see him around. So I made it to the gas station, and finally was about to meet him and get my bag. I got it, and did most of it. I felt it, and it took away my withdrawals...but I didnt feel much at all. So I did the rest of the bag. Still don't feel too much. I don't know if it is because I smoked that pipe earlier o what. But I guess I shouldn't complain.

Anyway. So now I am home. Just took a shower, and am being lazy. Yes, I do feel guilty and ashamed of the things I do. I know it is wrong and I shouldn't be doing this stuff. But I still do it. I don't know why. Let's see what tomorrow brings...

geez

Well, my plan was to start suboxone today, since I don't have any money or heroin. Then my crazy mind decides to just ask my dealer if he would front me some. If he would, great, if not...fine, I will start suboxone. I asked him and he said yes, surprisingly. He used to never front me like this. So, I will be meeting him in a little bit. My mind decides to try every route of getting heroin. It is crazy.

HI!

I just got home about an hour ago from work. I bought a bag of heroin again once I got off. Now, my copping routine is like this... my dealer's girlfriend drives him to the road that I live on, which is like a quarter mile from where I work. So once I leave work, I give my dealer a call and I start walking home (since I currently don't have a license). As I am walking, eventually I will see them coming towards me in their car, they slow down and come to a quick stop, and we make the exchange, and then I keep on walking home, and they keep on driving. The road is not a very busy road, so it works out pretty good. My house is right on that road too, so it is convenient. We try to switch is up...because people start noticing things, and neither of us want to go to jail. Tonight, after I got my bag, I kept walking. After a few minutes a cop passed me. He slowed down a lot when he saw me, I guess to try to get a look at me, but kept going. It is somewhat shady, someone walking down that road at midnight. He ended up turning around and passing me again, going even slower. My heart started racing. I mean, I DID have a bag of heroin in my hand, and syringes in my pocket. And I began wondering if someone noticed us make the deal. The cop kept going, I walked faster, and finally made it home safe and sound. I always get paranoid nowadays when I see cops. Just because of all my past run ins with them.

I don't work tomorrow,  and I don't have money to buy heroin. I did the last of my bag not long ago. This means I will be 'attempting' to quit heroin. No, but seriously. I know I say this once a week, but I am pretty serious. I HAVE to. I get really anxious and start to freak out when I think about the stuff I need to catch up on..bills and such. So this is necessary. I have to quit living this way. I need to be sober. I need to be healthy...physically and mentally. I need to fix my issues...figure out what I am trying to drown out with heroin. What  is it that is making me so sad when I am sober. I really wish I had someone to talk to..a psychologist, a counselor...someone. My mom and step-dad say I can talk to them. But there is no way in hell I could talk to them.. No offense to them...but I feel like they are the last people I would talk to. They just don't understand.

Anyway, this is becoming hard to type. I am feeling pretty good from that bag of H. I will update more tomorrow, and hopefully I will be more motivated to quit....BYE

He said Yes.

So, I called my dealer back after a few minutes. And he let me...he said he would front me a fifty. But I have to pay extra for it. So I started walking to a gas station to meet him. I am surprised he let me do it this time...since he did it for me the other day. He doesn't like to make it a habit. But he knows I am good for it, and always pay extra just for him doing it for me and the trouble. But I already did it all. I feel better.

 As I was fixing up my shot, I started thinking about the first time I ever did heroin. I always thought that I would never do heroin, and never thought I would ever use a needle.. But the first time I ever used H was when I was sick...in withdrawals from oxy pills. I was in the process of trying to quit,,,and probably would have been successful if it weren't for this happeb\ning. I had just recently lost my job. (Got fired because of stupid things I was doing to get money for my pills) I ran out of money to buy my pills, so I had to quit. When I was going through my detox, and old friend of mine called me. We will call her L. She and I were big into pills and we always helped each other get them. She was a crazy girl. I hadn't talked to her or seen her in a while. She text me and made small talk...asking how I have been, etc.. Then she asked if I wanted some oxy pills, because she could get them for cheap. Well..all I had was $15, because I did a little work for my mom, and she paid me..but that was all I had left after I got gas. Of course I wanted one...as soon as the thought enters yours brain, you cant get it out. So I told her I only had enough to get one. She said that is fine...but she needed a ride. So I go pick her up..give her my money, take her to the person...I saw her make the exchange ....but all I saw in her hand was a baggie of powder. I was thinking,,,"What the hell, I thought we were getting pills." So I asked about it.,..and she said it is heroin....and that it is pretty much the same thing. I did not care, I was feeling sick, and already had it in my head that I was going to get high. She knew I had never done H or used a needle. So she said she would just give me a little, because that was all I would need...and she was going to shoot me up herself. I was very nervous, but also pretty excited. I watched her as she got the shot all ready.  But I couldn't watch her while she was injecting me. I had to turn my head and cover my face. She only gave me a little bit...but I began to feel it after about 10 seconds. It felt nice. It wasn't too intense, since it was a small amount, but still nice. I started feeling light headed, and my vision was blurry. I felt really good overall. After a while, I started nodding. It was great. I felt so good and happy for several hours. Over the next few days she kept calling me asking me for a ride....and in exchange, she would give me a shot of heroin. So if course I did it. After a little while, my body got hooked. I finally got a job, and was able to start making money and bu it on my own. So her dealer became my dealer.  And I have been using it ever since.  Sometimes I wish that day never happened. I wontder where I would be, or how different things would be. Would I have EVER used heroin? Would I still be using pills? Who knows.  But I think about that day a lot.

So sick of feeling this way

So my last post, I think I was saying that I was going ot try to quit, and use suboxone. That morning I took some suboxone. But the urges, once again, got overwhelming.  I broke down, and got my dealer to bring me some to work. So I have been using the last few days.  The last time I used was yesterday around 5 pm. So right now,  I am not feeling too good. I am shaky, panicky, and just really wanting a shot. I just called my dealer to see if he would front me a little something now, and I will pay him tonight and get more tonight. He told me to call him back in a few, he needs to see how much he has. Watch...he will tell me no. :( He let me do this the other day. But, when he does it for me, I give him an extra $20 or so for the trouble, which is the only reason he lets me do it. I know I shouldn't continue this, but it just makes me feel so much better.

Good Morning...

It is 6:30 am. I didn't sleep too well. I woke up with a headache, very thirsty, and bad neck pain because I slept on it wrong the night before. I took some suboxone. I guess I feel 'alright'. Today is day 2. This is actually the longest I have gone in a while. Sad, huh. But a big part of me wants to get really really high tonight. Let's see. If I can make it through my shift at work without calling my dealer to bring me something, that will be amazing. So we shall see. Anyway..I have to get ready. Hope everyone has a good day.

Weird

I was going to say this in my last post, but forgot. Yesterday, when I was in the bathroom, fixing up a big shot, I happened to look down and see a crumpled up piece of paper. I opened it, and something was written in my mom's handwriting. It said, "When you get knocked down, get back up and keep moving forward". I just thought it was really random and weird. And I kept trying to find out where it came from. But I have no idea. I don't want to ask her either. It just seems weird.

These past few days...

Well. These past few days...shame on me.  A few days ago, I had a bag of H....but I did most of it that night. I saved a TINY bit for the next morning. It was such a tiny amount, that I didn't even feel it, and I was really feeling withdrawals. It was 6:30 in the morning, and I had to be at work at 7. I called my dealer. I knew for sure he would not answer, or if he did, he would be pissed at me for waking him. But to mysurprise, he answered, and wasn't mad at all. I asked if he could bring me something to work...well, he said he could but it would be later. Then I asked if I had a car, could I come get it..he said yea. So terrible me, I got to work, then I pretended like there was a small emergency and asked a coworker if I could borrow her car, she said of course. So off I went to get my drugs.  Keep in mind, I don't even have my license. I was paranoid the whole time, trying not to get pulled over. But I made it back, after stopping at a McDonalds to use their bathroom to get high. I felt much better.

My mom and stepdad went out of town for a couple days. So I enjoyed my nights all alone. But spent most of the time high, with no money, and stupid excuses for why I don't have any money.

I bought a suboxone Friday, and had every intention in the world of quitting heroin, at least for a few days. Or at least for ONE day! So Saturday morning, I woke up feeling pretty dope sick. So I take some suboxone. After 30 minutes, I still wasnt feeling that great, so I took more. I got to work at 7 am.  After a couple of hours of being there, I started thinking of how much better I would feel if I had some heroin. Then I started thinking..."It is 9:30...my dealer might bring me something..." And I just couldn't stop thinking about it. And as soon as I started thinking about it, I started feeling much worse, much more dope sick, so that made me think I needed it even more. So I broke down and called him, and he brought me some.   :(  But yes, it did make me feel much better...even after I took the suboxone. I don't know why they tell you you can't get high until a few days after your last suboxone dose...because I took it just 3 hours after, and I felt decently high. I bought even more when I got off work, and did it all that night. I felt pretty good. But again, my mom was wondering why I didn't have any money. I feel really guilty for lying.

But..speaking of my mom. Our relationship is really struggling. The way she looks at me, with such disappointment.  The was she shakes her head at me. With nothing but disgust on her face towards me. It makes me feel terrible, and worthless. I know I have done her wrong, but I feel like she absolutely hates me and is so disappointed in me and thinks I am just a waste.

The last heroin I did was last night. So I have gone one day without heroin. I took some suboxone around 7pm. And this time, it actually made me feel better. I don't understand why sometimes it works better than other times. I am already thinking that maybe I can get some heroin tomorrow.  I don't know if I can ever do this...break away from heroin. I honestly feel like my brain will have to be rewired, or I need to be hypnotised to forget about it. I really don't think I can do this on my own. You would think I would WANT to live a sober life. But I don't. Heroin makes me happy. That is why I say my brain needs to be rewired. It is all screwed up.

Life

I came across this picture the other day. It is such a sweet picture, but also very sad . It depicts life very well for those that have fallen in love, and lived a full life with their partner.  I just wanted to share it.

oops

so a few days ago, I had a suspicion that my mom and sister had found my blog and were reading it. So I panicked and made it private until I found out for sure. Turns out, I was wrong and was just being paranoid. But I thought I had switched the settings back to public that same day, but I must not have! I just tried again to change it to public, so I hope it worked.

Here we go again....

Ok, Let me try to write this while I still can/. Not too much has been going on with me....still on the heroin.  Honestly, for most of the day, and yesterday,  I have had this strange, nervoud feeling in my stomach. But  I will get  into that in a second.

I am listening to Adele's CD right now. I absolutely love it. Bit it is reminding me a lot of when my ex and I were splitting up, and everything that was going on in my life at that time. Music is powerful, I love how it can do that. At least for me it does.

I am having a hard time writing this. My mind is completely blank, seriouly. Ok. I had to pause the music. It takes me to a whole different world. haha

Anyway. I have been working lately, and then buying dope with the cash everyeday. And then I come up with some lame ass lie about why I didn;t make any money that day to tell my mom. I am running out of lies. And I have been doing some shady things at work with the register to get a tad extra cash. It is stupid of me, I really need to stop doing that! I am not REALLY this type of person, it is terrible.
 So tonight, I realized  I didn't have enough money to get enough heroin for the next couple of days(as much as i'd like) because I am off tomorrow and wont be making money.. So my options were to get as much as I can, and MAKE it last by doing very small amounts...or get a suboxone and as much heroin as I can...do all the heroin  at once tonight....and then start using my suboxone tomorrow and try taking a break from this shit, So that is what I decided. I got my suboxone and as much heroin as I could. And I did it all in a shot almost an hour ago.  :) When I did it, I got that feeling that I used to ALWAYS get when I first started. The feeling where my hands and feet tingle, and feel prickly..almost to the point where it is painful...and really itchy, haha, I love it. Then I nodded, not sure how long. But I had all sorts of noddy dreams. I love the nod dreams...it feels SO REAAL. It is so weird. And I start talking to myself out lousd, as if people are really here, It is strange. TRhen I woke up...alll confused and trying to get myself sorted abd realize what is going on. And now I am surfin the web, Or trying to. I am having to keep one eye closed while I type. My vision is all blurry.

But yes, there is one good thing to all this. It is that tomorrow, I am starting fresh. I am quitting heroin, at least for a little while. And I really want to..again, at least for a little while. I have too many things that I realy need to take care of, and I keep pushing that all to the back of my head more and more, as I keep using herpoin.I need to stop doing all this bad stuff, and telling lies. I need to be the good person that I truly amn.

I don't know if anyone really reads this stuff. I guess I do it because I think it is good for me, to have a journal to write all this crap, especially since I keep everything to myself  and bottled up. It feels good to get it out and "talk" about it in some type of way. BUT, if anyone foes read it, aI an sorry about spelling and typing errors. Its taking too much effort to try and reread and fix everything at the moment!

I lost a piece of me in you...I think I left it in your arms....

I had the weirdest dream last night. I was in the car with an old friend of mine. It was late at night, and we had just pulled over and parked in front of some building that was unknown to us. We were acting silly like we always do, listening to music, dancing, just being loud and goofy. All of a sudden we heard a bunch of guns being cocked and then, "FREEZE, PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR AND STEP OUT OF THE CAR, THIS IS THE POLICE!" I didn't know what the hell was going on. I was afraid to move too fast. I put my hands up and yelled out that I had to unlock the door. Then we both stepped out. I had my case that I keep me heroin and syringes in with me. As I was stepping out, I tried to slide it under my seat. I kept thinking, "Dammit, they are going to find it...and then my friend is going to find out that I use heroin!" They took us inside the building..apparently it was some kind of police station/jail. They put us in a room together, and kept questioning us. They left the room. There was a manhole on the floor in the room. My friend used all her strength and moved to cement lid. Then she climbed in it. I asked her what she was doing...she said,"Getting the hell out of here!" I was too scared to do it. After she left, I ran back out to my car to get my bag...they werent keeping us locked in the room. They apparently didn't search our car...my bag was still there. I went back in, and the cop didn't seem to care that my friend had left. So I started thinking.....they have no reason to arrest us and keep us here, they haven't found anything.  So I asked him if I was under arrest and if I had to stay..he told me no. So..I left, all shooked up! And that was pretty much it. Weird huh? Then I woke up dope sick.

I had only saved a tiny bit for this morning, but it didn't do much. I still felt rough. I finally scored around 2:30, before I went to work,

There is a new girl at work now. She came in yesterday to do paperwork. The first thing I noticed about her were her eyes, they were VERY pinned, and glossy. Then today, I had to train her. She mentioned that she is on suboxone. So we talked about that for a while. I didn't mention that I am a heroin addict. I just can't bring myself to tell people. Although, I think it would be good to have someone, a friend especially, that knew about it. Maybe they could help give me encouragement. Instead, I end up making friends with other "users" somehow. But I have a feeling she is using more than suboxone. When I take suboxone, it doesn't make my eyes looks THAT glossy and pinned. Maybe that's just me.

Anyway, when I ordered my syringes online, I put my friends name on it, with my address. My plan was to tell my mom that my friend went out of town and asked if she could send a package here. But my mom wasn't here when it came, so I didn't have to tell her anything. I threw the box away in the trash can in my room. But I put the receipt in a different trash bag in the kitchen, all the way at the bottom. I wanted to play it safe, in case she somehow found it in the trash. Well...yesterday she said.."Why would your friend be getting mail sent to our address?!" And she said it with attitude. So I just told her the lie that I already thought about. She was NOT happy about it, and acted like she didn't believe me. Whatever. But what pisses me off...she went through my trash bag?! Really?! Geez! Good thing I didn't keep the receipt with it!

Well, I guess that is all that has been going on. Nothing exciting.  GOOD NIGHT!

Hello World

My syringes arrived in the mail a couple days ago. They came a day earlier than they were supposed to. So I was thrilled. Oh, and they sent TWO packs of syringes! I ordered and paid for 1 pack, but got two. Fine by me!!

So, needless to say, I have been getting very very high lately. I have been achieving the nod too. :)  I am high right now...just dozed off while I was typing this. I am about to go turn some music on and clean my room. I have a pretty decent shot saved that I am going to do tonight. Then I gotta get some more tomorrow. I think maybe after this weekend, I will try to quit. I have to talk myself into it and motivate myself! It is for the best.

My sister left her facebook logged in, so I got nosy and started looking in her messages. In one message she was talking to her friend. This is what she said about me.."I have a heroin addicted sister who is on a fast path to dieing and going to hell." Well then.  It pisses me off when I find out she is talking to all her friends about me and my addiction. I am a very private person...and I don't like to share much about myself. Especially that part. So when I hear that she is telling everyone, it really makes me angry!

Anyway, it is raining and storming here. I love it. I guess I will go now and so some cleaning.

HI!

I just got home from work. It was a pretty busy night. I have been working second shift more lately, which is awesome because I make a lot more money on that shift! I bought a lot of heroin today, and snorted most if it. I have some left. I am about to do another line, and then save the rest for the morning, or afternoon. I will try to save it for work, if I am not feeling sick in the morning. My syringes are supposed to arrive on the 19th, I am so excited. This is the longest I have gone in a LONG time without sticking a needle in my arm...seriously. Anyway. So as I was walking home from work tonight, I passed through the parking lot of the gas station that I have to walk by. Two guys were standing by their car, pumping gas. They stopped me and asked me what I was doing and asked if I need a ride. So, I took them up on their offer. (I don't like walking home that late, especially because the other night, I swear someone was after me. This homely looking guy was watching me walking home, then he turned around and started following me, and started getting faster.  I finally started running and made it home! It scared me.) So I get in the car and tell them where I live. They were so friendly. They had just bought a pack of beer and they both cracked one open and started drinking it, and asked if I wanted one. One of the guys was about to give me some Lortabs, but then realized he left them at home. :( Oh well. Honestly they wouldn't have done ANYTHING for me at all. I used to eat handfulls of those, and not feel a thing.  So I just made it home. I guess it was kind of dangerous, me getting into a car with 2 complete male strangers. Oh well. Who cares.

I am so happy because I dont have to wake up early. So I am going to spend all night goofing around on the internet. I have recently gotten hooked on TheWeeklyVice.com and PYSIH.com.

Well...I hope everyone is doing well!!!!!!!!! Goodnight

I obviously can't do this...

I haven't posted in a couple days, simply because I have done nothing good. :( It is so easy to persuade myself to do the wrong things. A couple of days ago I was feeling positive, and ready to get some clean time started. I made it to day 2. I had to go to work that afternoon..right before I went to work,  I decided I wanted some coke...so I called my guy to see if he could meet me. He explained that he hardly had any coke left, but he would have it later that night..and he says.."You don't want to just go ahead and get your usual bag of H?"..I told him no..because I don't have any syringes...and I only shoot it. So that was it, and we hung up. Right as I hung up...I started thinking..well..I could just get some and try snorting it to see if it is worth it. I have always felt like sniffing it was a waste...but I have also always had syringes on hand. So I called right back, and told him I wanted to get some after all. I had just taken some suboxone too....so I wasn't sure if I'd even feel it. So as I am waiting on him to bring it, I am cursing myself..thinking.."I am so stupid, I can't even go a full 2 days?!..." I don't know what comes over me. Once I start thinking about it, I start to think..."what will it hurt?...I am only getting a little bit.." And then there is no changing my mind. So I got my bag...sniffed most of it. It definitely didn't compare to shooting it. No rush at all...but the effects just slowly came on. And then later, I started getting a slight nod...but nothing too extreme.  I was happy to feel it, considering I took some suboxone! So, the next couple of days, I bought at least a half gram every day, sometimes more, and snorted it. And now, here I am. I just took some suboxone because I am not going to get anymore to sniff. It takes so much for me to feel good off of it. But last night, I did order some syringes online. So they should be here within a week. So I am hoping I can get my tolerance down, and when I finally get my syringes...and get some H,  I will be very happy. I think I am going to set a deadline...a date for when I am going to quit. Maybe August 1st?....Not sure yet.

But yea... I just don't know if I can ever convince myself to truly quit. But if I don't, something bad is bound to happen

In Repair

Sounds all too familiar....


Too many shadows in my room
Too many hours in this midnight
Too many corners in my mind
So much to do to set my heart right
Oh it's taking so long I could be wrong, I could be ready
Oh but if I take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
I am in repair, I am in repair

Stood on the corner for a while
To wait for the wind to blow down on me
Hoping it takes with it my old ways
And brings some brand new luck upon me
Oh it's taking so long I could be wrong, I could be ready
Oh but if I take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
I am in repair, I am in repair

And now I'm walking in a park
All of the birds they dance below me
Maybe when things turn green again
It will be good to say you know me

Oh it's taking so long I could be wrong, I could be ready
Oh but if I take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
Oh, yeah I'm never really ready, Oh, yeah, I'm never really ready
I'm in repair, I'm not together but I'm getting there
I'm in repair, I'm not together but I'm getting there

I'm in repair, I'm not together but I'm getting there
I'm in repair, I'm not together but I'm getting there
I'm in repair, I'm not together but I'm getting there
I'm in repair, I'm not together but I'm getting there

DAY 2

I stayed up until about 4:30 am. I was feeling positive and in a good mood, and couldn't sleep. I came across some random website about prisoners who are requesting penpals, just to have someone to write to and talk to so they don't feel so lonely. A lot of them are on death row. Death row is so inhumane, it makes me sick..it's sick that our government can legally kill people like that. Now, I know a lot of them have done some very heinous things, but I just can't bring myself to feel ok about it. There has to be another way..  But I am really considering writing one or two of them. I can imagine how lonely it must get there, and it makes me feel good to bring any kind of happiness to someone else's life.

I finally fell asleep somewhere around 5 am. I dreamt all night about heroin. I ALWAYS do that when I am trying to stop using. It is like my brain is trying to do everything it can to break me and get me to use. I kept waking up because I was feeling some detox pains, so I took a little suboxone and went back to sleep. Now I am feeling pretty good. Just sipping on some coffee, enjoying my morning off, and trying to stay positive. I go to work at 3....hopefully I can have a good night and won't have terrible cravings. It is always the hardest once I have that money in my hand.

I hope everyone has a good day!

I Love the night time..

I am feeling pretty happy and positive right now, which is odd. I am not fretting over when I can get heroin. It has consumed so much of my mind, that when I go a short while without thinking about it, I can't believe it. A break will be good for me anyway....and my veins seriously need time to heal.

Anyway..there is no point to this...just feeling happy.......

I want to feel any way but normal...

For half a second, I felt the urge to use this time to really try to quit injecting these hard drugs into my veins! I mean....it can't really go on forever can it? If so, I will be living at home with my mom forever. How will I be able to afford a life?! I KNOW that I need to quit, I just don't want to. Then, that is when the whole, "It would be much easier if I was dead" factors in. I love heroin. I love how it makes me happy, it takes away my sadness. When I don't use, I miss it tremendously...almost like it were a person. I love how good it makes me sleep. I love how outgoing it makes me. I love how content and happy with life it makes me. But I hate how it makes me spend all my money. I hate how it makes me sick if I can't get any. But I hate the anxiety that I feel without it. I really believe heroin could be a treatment for depression. If it were legal, and prescribed, I might be a very successful person...but then again, maybe not, since I am an addict. Would I be able to control my doses? Probably not.

Anyway, I have been thinking about my past a lot lately. I really am trying to figure myself out. Trying to figure out why I am the way I am. Some of it is really starting to make sense....but I won't get in to all that right now.

Today was day one again. Well...maybe not. I did try to get something from a cotton. I didn't feel anything..but I am not feeling as sick as I should. What the hell....I will still call it day one. I am thinking about ordering some syringes offline.I am just worried about when it arrives....would my parents be nosy enough to open it?...what will it say on the package?.....I dunno......Before I got arrested, I had a box of 100 syringes n my car. I went to walmart to buy a 10 day supply of syringes (they usually always sell it to me), but this one time, the lady told me she could only sell me a whole box without a prescription. So, of course, I got the whole box, which was 100 syringes. It was nice having that many on hand! But, when I got pulled over, and taken to jail...the cops searched my car and took them all/ :(  Oh well.


Anyway...my goal is to make it 4 days.That will be a great start for me. The longest I have gone lately is 3 days. But without having any syringes on hand....it will be much easier.  The thought of buying some coke to snort is already crossing my mind. My god. I do have a problem. I have always said I want to feel any way but normal...but it is not healthy.

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell..

Well, I went all day Monday without any heroin. The next day, I went to work, but ended up scoring a big bag when I got off work. About $120 worth. Of course, my freaking syringe was breaking on me, but I got most of the shot in me. I still had some left in my bag, I decided I would figure out how to fix my syringe later. Well, later came. I kept trying to tape up my syringe, and fix it somehow. Eventually it broke for good, and I had to drink the last of my heroin :( I was very disappointed, but I did get a little high.

So now I don't have any syringes. So I know I can't get any heroin until I get more syringes. I guess I could snort it, but that seems pointless to me. Maybe I will make it more than 2 or 3 days now. Luckily I bought another suboxone yesterday alone with the dope. I could order some syringes online. I need to find some cheap ones though.

So I am just being lazy, enjoying my day off.  That is all for now

Homeless Man

Well hello. It is 2 in the afternoon. I just woke up. I have been working 3rd shift over the weekend. Now I get to go back to 1st shift, thank goodness. Over the weekend, while I was at work, late in the middle of the night, this man walks in the restaurant. He was really tall, scraggly, skin and bones and really skinny. He was carrying a few bags with him. He was obviously homeless. He started talking to me, asking if I wanted to buy some stuff that he had. He had several packs of cleaning supplies/wipes. I bought a pack for $2. Another customer bought a pack off of him.  There was a customer there that had been flirting with me all night. The homeless man ended up talking to him, and sitting with him for a while. The man was saying how he is trying to make money to buy food. I told him I could give him some soup. So I did, he was very appreciative. The other guy ended up buying him a sandwich, and some cigarettes. Then off he went. He was very nice. Well..last night, in the middle of the night, he wandered back in. He looked at me and said, "That soup sure was good last night and I am awfully hungry.." I said, "Yea, I can get you a little more!" So he sat down and ate 2 big bowls of it. He seemed so hungry. It made me feel good to help him. I just wish I knew more of his story. But I didn't want to be nosy.

Last night I bought some more H off of my dealer. The other day he told me he is selling coke now, if I ever want any. I am done with my coke phase. It leaves me feeling too strung out. I was bad on that for a while. Well...I got my bag from him last night, I was feeling pretty dope sick at this point. I went to a bathroom, and fixed up a small shot. The shot looked awfully different..more milky and cloudy. Immediately, the thought ran through my head..."What if he accidentally gave me a bag of coke instead!?"  Well..I did the shot just to see. Then I walked to work. I didn't feel the initial rush like I usually do. When I got to work, I started talking with the other girls....I was just talking nonstop, happy, feeling good, but heart racing...and just chatting nonstop. All of a sudden, I realized...."This WAS coke!" I was pissed. But it took away my dope sickness. I called me dealer telling him I am pretty sure he gave me coke. He said to do the rest of it, that there may be a small amount of coke that he accidentally put in there, but the big rock that was in there was H. Well...I didnt do any of the rock yet...so I figured I would check. So I did another shot, from the rock. And he was right. It was H. My pupils were pinned...but the feeling wasn't as intense as usual. I have wondered what it is like to shoot heroin and coke together. I didn't like it..it took away the good feeling of the H. I don't like that wiry feeling that coke gives.

SO anyway, I got to bed around 7:30 am. I was feeling a little sick when I woke up. I did a shot from my cottons...I feel ok now..but soon I will have to do some suboxone. I hvae the urge to have one more BIG binge, and then cut back for a while..for real this time. So dependng on how much money I make tomorrow, I will either do that binge tomorrow or the next day.

THinking ahead, to a life without heroin, doesn't sound appealing at all. Maybe I can learn how to live without it.

So Friday I was detoxing and craving pretty bad. I ended up getting some. I had to "borrow" the money from work, meaning I borrowed just a little from the register, and put it back as soon as I made it in tips. I only borrowed a little...so I knew I would make it back.  I felt so much better. But, I ended up doing too much. I could barely keep my eyes open at work. So I got off at 7 am, then went to bed. Had to work last night too. So I got more H. Did most of it, then saved a tiny bit, and decided to finish it at work. Then right as I was about to prepare my shot, the rubber tip on the plunger completely broke. :( I was SO disappointed, so I just snorted the last bit...which I feel like is such a waste. So I figured that meant it was time for a break since I didn't have anymore working syringes. Then after I woke up today...I decided to mess around with my syringe, and if I could somehow rig it to work, then I would get more...if not, then I would quit for a while. Go figure....I got it working. So I will be getting more tonight. I need to get another suboxone, because I have GOT to quit, REAL soon.

I have a customer at work that has been coming to see me the last couple nights. He wants me to call him and talk, and maybe hang out. I am really not interested. He bought me a teddy bear and gave it to me last night. He gave me a cell phone, and then said he will send me the money to get it turned on. He says he wants to take care of me and spoil me. hmm...tempting. He keeps telling me how beautiful I am, blah blah. I hope he doesnt come in tonight. If he does, he will be asking why I haven't called. :(

Anyway...........nothing exciting going on here, unfortunately. Four more hours and I will have my dope, I want it now.

I am a fucking mess. My heart is racing, and I am having TERRIBLE anxiety. I have GOT to have a big shot, soon. I took some suboxone hours ago, and it didn't do shit. So, instead of taking more, I decided to just buy some dope tonight. And the way I am buying it is pretty shady, which is making me all the more nervous. I'll eplain later. But I wont have it for another hour. I havent been able to eat all day....but now I am feeling hungry but unable to eat. I hate this feeling. Especially this racing heart.  Please let this work out

Loser

I have to admit, I feel like a fucking loser, a huge disappointment.  My sister is married with a kid, living her happy life, my brother is married, and in the military and just bought a house. Then there is me. I have got nothing, done nothing successful, I am a criminal, a drug addict, living with my parents. My mom used to be so proud of me. Now, it is nothing but disappointment. I feel terrible. So ashamed.

I am craving really badly.  I think this is day 2 with no heroin. I just got off the phone with my dealer asking if he would spot me something until tomorrow. He has done it before. So I figured it wouldn't hurt to ask. He said no, he doesn't do credit anymore. I dont go in to work until 11, and will have some money then. He said he would come meet me. I dunno....maybe I should take some more suboxone. The cravings are pretty  bad. I think I will now. I'll see it it helps.

Feeling Guilty

So...I have been feeling pretty guilty lately. My sister had her first baby about 3 months ago. They had been trying to have one for a while..and she actually had a miscarriage a couple years ago. Well...she was thrilled when she finally gave birth. I am currently staying at my mom's. She has been coming over every day just about with the baby. She spends all day here. Now, most of the time, if I am here, I stay in my room. Just because I feel uncomfortable around them, I feel like an outcast, and I just like being alone. Also...a lot of the time, I am high. I come out every now and then, but don't say much. Also...I don't interact with the baby much. I am uncomfortable around babies...don't know how to treat them. Seeing other people coo over them and kiss them all over makes me very uncomfortable. I don't know why. But lately, I have been trying to play around and talk to the baby...I can see in my sisters face that she likes that. And my mom has made comments about how I dont want anything to do with the baby, blah blah. So..I feel bad about that...especially after a couple weeks ago, when my family sat me down to talk about my addiction. They found out about it right at the beginning of my sister's pregnancy.  As they were talking to me, my sister told me that when she got pregnant, and found out about my drug use, she prayed to God to help me, and to help me get better. She said she prayed and said to him "Please dont let me have this baby if Michele is not going to be here and be well and happy...please help her" And she said when she made it the full 9 months and gave birth, and he was ok, she knew that I was going to be ok.  It made me cry. I didn't think she really cared like that. And to hear her say that, it felt good in a way.

 Ever since that talk, noone has said anything else about it. My family is strange, in that we dont talk about anything serious or personal. We just act like it isn't there. So it took a lot for them to sit down and talk about this stuff. I am so uncomfortable living here with my mom and stepdad. Me and my step dad dont ever talk. It is awkward. That is one reason I stay to myself. I am not mad at him, or dislike him or anything. I just stay away because I feel like he is aggravated with me...like I am a burden. And I feel he is probably mad at the things I have done and put my mom and him through. I just hate feeling like I am a problem.

I haven't used heroin in over a day. I just did a little suboxone..my back is killing me. It hurts inside, like it is my liver or kidneys or something.

Anyway...That is all for now.

24 hours

I keep yawning, my eyes are watery, I am  hot...gee..I wonder what this means. I am surprised I have gone this long without deciding to take my suboxone. It has been 24 hours since I did my last shot, but it was a BIG shot. I was so out of it last night. I kept waking up, confused as to why I was there and how I got there, then I realise I must have nodded off in the middle of doing something. I love that feeling..not sure why. I guess it is just an escape.

I was off work today. It is nice not stressing out about how I will get money for heroin since I was off today. So I am doing better...at least I am not using every day. And at least I am not doing illegal things in order to use. But I still want to use everyday. I just know I can't. I try to stay positive. It is hard to do..but the suboxone makes it a little easier to be happy. I feel like things will never be the same ever since heroin has come into my life. It is like I have finally felt what true happiness feels like...and now, nothing will ever be as good.

Anyway..I am trying to decide if I want to try to get something out of this cotton shot (prob wont even feel anything) or just go ahead and take some suboxone...

Too many drugs

I have been waking up the last few mornings confused and not remembering even going to sleep. I have been doing way too much heroin lately. But I like it. I woke up this morning with the weirdest feeling. Don't know why. But I have been in and out of sleep all day, literally. I have just been so tired today, even though I got a lot of sleep. I haven't even taken any sleeping pills the last couple of days. I guess it is just the heroin.

I did over a gram last night. Usually I would spread that amount out over 2 days.. But I just wanted to get really high. I guess I wont be getting any for the next few days. I work 3rd shift the rest of the week. Which means I wont be making much money. :( It makes me sad to know that I won't be able to get any for a while...I wish I had never even tried heroin once. Because it will forever be in my head. The mental part is much harder for me. I feel like I can't be happy without it.

Summertime, and the livings easy...

HELLO! Happy Independence Day!   So yesterday was payday. I had my paycheck money and decided to treat myself. I bought $170 worth of heroin. I bought it while I was at work...just ran across the street to meet him, then hurried back. I went to the bathroom and did a little. Then....I almost freaked out! The manager called 2 people into the office, then he drove them somewhere. He was taking them to do a drug test!!! I was so worried that I was going to be next. But nothing was said. Every now and then they randomly select people for drug tests. If I was picked, I would have failed...and been fired. But that just means the my chances are greater of being picked next, which means I HAVE to take a break from using. I cannot afford to get fired. How long does it take to be safe and able to pass a pee test??

Anyway, after work yesterday, I went to my friends house who I also work with. We had to make and decorate cupakes for work. We gave them out today for the holiday. But last night we were drinking Long Island drinks. mmmmm, they were good. They were going nicely with my heroin buzz. But it was weird because it has been so long since I have hung out with anyone. But I enjoyed it. I need to start doing that more often. Lately all I have been doing is keeping my self secluded and isolated.

Once I got home last  night, I did the last of my dope...which was a lot! So needless to say, I was very high. I couldn't do anything without it taking me 10 years to do. I felt great though. I kept trying to write a post. I started it...then I woke up an hour later with my forhead touching the keyboard and my neck in pain! So I gave up, and went to bed.

I woke up this morning feeling good, but a little nauseous. I ended up throwing up at work. That usually means that I had pretty good H. Today went by pretty fast at work.

I had a good day at work today. I found a random ten dollar bill in my apron today, so that was nice. And I had more money than I thought I did.
( wow..it is taking me so longto concentrate, and write this, and keep my eyes open!)

I decided to buy some more H today. I wanted to get as much as I could..because I am going to try to quit for a while, so I wanted to have one last good time. I got $120 worth once I got off work. I did a little as soon as I got it. Then I did a pretty big shot not long ago. And now, I can barely keep my yes open, much less, write this post. I am going to finish the bad pretty soon.

I guess I will end this post now.  BYEEEEEEEE

Good Morning

HELLO!!! I am just posting a quick hello, I have to leave soon for work. I was so high last night. I ended up buying a little more than a whole gram yesterday. I used it all.  I had a couple drinks at my friends house...we had to bake and decorate 351 cupcakes! It was for work. I'll explain later..........have a good day

It is currently 12:27 a.m....curious to see how long it'll take me to write tge oists/     1:17 am.   nevermind. i will write this tomorrow!

NOD

Been trying to start a post for the past hour....but I keep nodding off..........!!!!!!!!!!!

It's the DOPE MAN

Hey. I had a good day at work today. We were pretty busy. It was just me and the other girl that started around the same time as I did. I like her a lot. I think we will become pretty good friends. She recently got into trouble with drugs. She has been doing mandatory classes because of it. She is pretty cool...I like working with her.

I made good tips early, so I already knew I was going to get some heroin. So, I decided to call "The Man" to let him know. But he didn't answer. No biggie....I knew he would eventually answer. About an hour later, my manager told me I had a phone call. It was him! He was asking if I wanted anything because he was about to be passing by where I work. PERFECT. It was funny because my manager was teasing me, saying that it was one of my boyfriends calling me. Then he said.."Or maybe it was your dope man!" He was obviously kidding...he doesn't know I use dope ( I dont think )..but he was right about that. haha. So I got the other girl to watch my section, and I ran out to the McDonald's across the street to meet him. So I scored, and hurried back and went to the bathroom. I did a decent size shot...not too big or small. AHhh.....It was nice.

After work, I decided to do another big shot. OH MY GOD. My needle almost fucked up for good. I have had only 1 needle to use lately, since my parents found my others and threw them all away!!! Well...the rubber part came off and got stuck inside!  :( This has happened way too many times to me. I had to put some oil in it, and then I used a paper clip that I opened up and stuck it inside and moved the rubber part around...luckily it worked..I stuck the stick part back in, and it stayed in the rubber and slid back out. I have one more shot to do, a small one. I really hope I can get it to work one more time. I need to go buy some new syringes. But without a car, it is hard. I cant do it when I go with my mom! I am thinking about ordering some offline.

Anyway...I am just hanging out at home with my mom, stepdad, sister and nephew. My eyes keep getting heavy,,,I feel good.

Groggy

Not feeling too hot right now. I haven't had anything today. I guess I will take some suboxone and a couple sleeping pills in a second.

So..I am not a religious person, AT ALL. But a little while back, in the midst of my addiction...before anyone REALLY knew much about it, my family kept asking me to go to church with them. I would go every now and then..just to get them off my back. Well..after I went a few times...this lady that always sat behind us, she came up to me and handed me a gift bag. I opened it and it was a bible, a journal, and some candy. She gave me a big hug and said..."I just want you to know that I love you, and Jesus loves you, and everything will be ok..." It was really weird...but really sort of touching. Because, honestly, I do feel like noone cares..REALLY cares. So that was nice....but I just found out today, that she just passed away yesterday. :(  And it made me kind of sad. I didn't know her very well. But I thought it was so nice and sweet of her to do that, and I will always remember that, and her.

I stopped going to church with them for a while....then after a couple months I went with them again. Before church started, the preacher came up to me and said," I am so glad to see you. I have been so worried about you...I wish I could just wrap you up and make everything ok, but I can't do that. Please keep coming."  It was just too weird. It touched me...but it was weird. I don't know what to think.

Anyway.  Sometimes I just sit and think about life. I am 28 years old. I am lonely, and sad. But I don't allow people to get close to me. At the rate I am going, I will stay alone forever. My heart is still broken from my last relationship. I was at work yesterday, and a song came on the radio. Now with me....songs bring me back in time to where I was when I really liked it, or when I listened to it a lot...and it brings back the feelings I had at that time. Well..I heard a song that I listened to a lot when my ex decided to leave and move  out. I just got lost in the song...and the feelings...and my eyes started tearing up. Music has such a strong affect to me.

Anyway....I am glad it is the evening. I like night time....it means this day is almost over. That is sad, huh?

King Heroin

So, I was just thinking...how much things have changed ever since heroin has come into my life. Now, nothing is nearly as important as it is. I used to be so independant. I lived on my own, paid my own bills, had my own car, phone, very responsible and very trustworthy. Now....I have a criminal record, I currently don't have a license, I have gotten fired from 3 jobs, I am staying with my mom for the time being, I don't have a phone, and my family doesn't trust me. But I can't blame them...I have done some pretty crappy things. My stomach turns when I think of all the stuff I have done or the people that I have hurt, just so I could get high. Sometimes I have to block it out, or it makes me feel absolutely terrible. Now...every now and then, when I am really wanting to get high but can't...thoughts cross my mind of what I could do, who I could con..or whatever...but then I think back to the things I have done....and it stops me from doing it. I am ashamed. But I guess not ashamed enough, because I still use, and I still lie about it. If I had my way...I would use every day all day. I wish I could. And honestly, if it weren't for my immediate family...I would probably be either living on the streets strung out, or dead. Every time I get really deep into my addiction, they pull me out and snap me out of it. Which just happened recently. Right when I started this blog...around a week ago. I was using everyday, spending all my money, being useless. I ate dinner with my mom, step dad, sister, brother in law, and grandma. After we ate, they sat me down and said they need to talk to me. My stomach immediately turned. They confronted me, and said they know I am still using. My step dad pulled out my bag he found with my needles and spoon. They kept lecturing me, telling me how I am hurting myself, and they dont want to see me hurt. They went on about how I am helping my drug dealer buy all his nice things, leaving me with nothing, and that my drug dealer isn't my friend. blah blah. They said I need help. I said I WILL NOT be sent away somewhere, and that I have not been doing it every day. I told them  I just have no motivation in life, and that having goals will help me. I told them that I feel like I have noone that I can talk to. Which is true. They said I can talk to them. Well....lets just say I am the black sheep of the family. I CANNOT talk to them. They dont understand. I told them that having a counselor or someone to talk to would help. My grandma made me promise her that I would stop. In the end...we decided that after work every day, I would give them the cash that I made...that way I wouldnt be tempted to buy dope with it. Well...immediately, I started thinking of ways to get around that...I started thinking that every day I will keep 10 or 20 dollars...and on the 3rd or 4th day, I could get high. Will I ever WANT to completely stop? I am starting to think that that day will never come