Ok..so I have not talked to me ex in about 11 months. He broke my heart terribly. I went through a lot of pain and suffering, a lot of stuff happened, and he got another girl pregnant. I thought we would be together forever. When our breakup happened, I emerged myself in the drugs...thats all I could do to forget the pain and sadness. We broke up well over a year ago...I havent even gone on a date or anything with anyone.
Well...I received an email from him today. It weird because I was thinking about him a lot a few days ago. He was asking me how I am and how my family is. He lives with his girlfriend and daughter...he shouldnt be messaging me. It took me SO long to even get close to getting over losing what we had, it still hurts. And now he wants to start talking to me like he cares. It's just not right. I didnt write him back, not even sure if I want to. I know if I talk to him he will want to hang out, and will act like he care and convince me to spend time with him. It will just screw with my head.
Anyway,,I stll havent used heroin, Its been about 3 weeks. I still need a job though,
It i 4 am and I cant sleep :(
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Slowly Getting Easier
So, I have not used heroin in 18 days. It is on my mind at least once a day, but not constantly like before. I dream about it every few days.
I am not doing much though, I have been staying to myself. I didn't leave this house for about 15 days. Finally, my sister came over..we went to the store, then came back home and hung out...joked, laughed..it was fun actually. I hadn't laughed in a very long time. I appreciate her doing that.
Everything seems so far out of reach. I have dug myself a very deep hole, and I don't know how to get out of it. If I could get a job, that would be the first step. If I start making money, and get my license back, I think I will gain the confidence to move forward. But I am having a really hard time. Honestly, sometimes it just seems easier to just give up, to leave this world for good.
But all in all, I suppose I am doing better, without the heroin. Although I do wish I could get high sometimes. But I know that is out of the question right now, and I am ok with it.
These past few years, since I have been going through my addiction, I never treated myself with anything. Well, other than the heroin of course. But I mean, I never bought myself anything, went on any trips, I never really cared for myself. I just didn't think much of myself I suppose. And unfortunalely, those feelings are still there. Especially when all I think of is...I am an addict,, I was shooting up heroin, lied to all my friends and family, stole, went to jail...how can I feel good about myself and think that I am worth anything? That is my main issue right now. I think that is why it is so hard to move forward..I have no motivation to do it..what is the point? But I am working on that.
A year ago, I remember thinking that I would be using heroin forever. I didn't see any end in sight. I have gone through so much these past few years..it is hard to think about. Maybe things will be much different in another year.
I am not doing much though, I have been staying to myself. I didn't leave this house for about 15 days. Finally, my sister came over..we went to the store, then came back home and hung out...joked, laughed..it was fun actually. I hadn't laughed in a very long time. I appreciate her doing that.
Everything seems so far out of reach. I have dug myself a very deep hole, and I don't know how to get out of it. If I could get a job, that would be the first step. If I start making money, and get my license back, I think I will gain the confidence to move forward. But I am having a really hard time. Honestly, sometimes it just seems easier to just give up, to leave this world for good.
But all in all, I suppose I am doing better, without the heroin. Although I do wish I could get high sometimes. But I know that is out of the question right now, and I am ok with it.
These past few years, since I have been going through my addiction, I never treated myself with anything. Well, other than the heroin of course. But I mean, I never bought myself anything, went on any trips, I never really cared for myself. I just didn't think much of myself I suppose. And unfortunalely, those feelings are still there. Especially when all I think of is...I am an addict,, I was shooting up heroin, lied to all my friends and family, stole, went to jail...how can I feel good about myself and think that I am worth anything? That is my main issue right now. I think that is why it is so hard to move forward..I have no motivation to do it..what is the point? But I am working on that.
A year ago, I remember thinking that I would be using heroin forever. I didn't see any end in sight. I have gone through so much these past few years..it is hard to think about. Maybe things will be much different in another year.
Friday, November 2, 2012
So, I have a problem. When I am getting to know a guy, and we are learning about each other, am I supposed to let him know about my problem, my addiction? So many times, I want to tell him, because I want him to truly know me, but then I get scared. I am afraid of being judged and being looked down on. I feel like noone really knows me.
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