I need a job

So, I have been trying to speak with someone about a factory job. I was told to go in today and fill out an application. So I went...then they told me that I have to go online and do it. So they gave me the web address, I went home and applied. I really hope I hear something from them. This would be a good direction for me to go. I don't need to go back to working in restaurants. It is not a good environment for me, and I would just be unhappy. I need a change. But honestly, I would take anything right now.

I really miss hanging out, going out with friends downtown, having some drinks. I have really been wanting to do that lately. But I am not even going to try to do that right now. I hate having to get people to pick me up, and get rides and all that. I just feel like I am losing so much time in my life. That part makes me sad.

If I haven't gotten a job by the time I get my tax money back, I think I am just going to use that to get my license back. Because, not being able to drive is limiting things, A LOT. My mom will only give me a ride to work if it isn't too far of a drive. So that makes it a bit harder.

I get excited when I think about getting back on track. Finally making money, paying off my restitution..even though that will take a million years, paying my mom and step-dad back....and moving on. Being on my own. Getting out of this place.

I guess I am doing alright. As best as I can considering. I just want to put everything behind me. I have accepted that I have really screwed up, I just have to try to fix it.

Probation

So, I had to check in with my probation officer today. He told me I was really behind on paying the money back. I told him I have no income, and I am really trying to get a job. He was like.."Well..what do you think I should do?" I said please at least let me see how my interview goes today. So...he extended my probation from 1 year to 5 years. UGH. I guess at least I wont have to pay so  much monthly, when I do start making money. I really wish I didn't have terrible credit.  I wish I could get a loan. :( I just want to take care of this and move on with my life. Its just...it really feels like there is no end in sight. I know its my own fault though.

Anyway...I have to be at my interview at 2:30. I won't get my hopes up though.

90 days

So, it has been 90 days for me. And it has NOT been easy. I have pretty much just stayed to myself the whole time...a little bit of time was spent with my sister. I pretty much just haven't had a life. But how is it possible to have a life when you are pretty much helpless..no car, no job, no friends....and not worthy of anyones time?

I do have SOME kinda good news. I have an interview tomorrow. I really, REALLY hope it turns out well. You have no idea. But...with my criminal record..I don't think it will. I also have to check in with my probation officer tomorrow. At least I have the interview news to tell him. I am sure I will have to take a drug test. This will be the first time I won't be worried about failing it.

I have been having a lot of thoughts about what all has happened these last few years. Some of it I can't believe. A lot of it is remembering just how incredibly sad and alone I felt. And abandoned, lost.. I had pretty much given up. I didn't care. I didn't want to be here. The high was all that I DID care about, and it was the only thing that did make me happy. Funny, since it really made everything so much worse.

These past several months, I have felt so lost, so stuck in a rut, with no way out in sight. But I think things will get better. They have to. A job is the first step. I so hope I get one soon.

I hope everyone is doing well...  

:-)