Good Morning...

It is 6:30 am. I didn't sleep too well. I woke up with a headache, very thirsty, and bad neck pain because I slept on it wrong the night before. I took some suboxone. I guess I feel 'alright'. Today is day 2. This is actually the longest I have gone in a while. Sad, huh. But a big part of me wants to get really really high tonight. Let's see. If I can make it through my shift at work without calling my dealer to bring me something, that will be amazing. So we shall see. Anyway..I have to get ready. Hope everyone has a good day.

Weird

I was going to say this in my last post, but forgot. Yesterday, when I was in the bathroom, fixing up a big shot, I happened to look down and see a crumpled up piece of paper. I opened it, and something was written in my mom's handwriting. It said, "When you get knocked down, get back up and keep moving forward". I just thought it was really random and weird. And I kept trying to find out where it came from. But I have no idea. I don't want to ask her either. It just seems weird.

These past few days...

Well. These past few days...shame on me.  A few days ago, I had a bag of H....but I did most of it that night. I saved a TINY bit for the next morning. It was such a tiny amount, that I didn't even feel it, and I was really feeling withdrawals. It was 6:30 in the morning, and I had to be at work at 7. I called my dealer. I knew for sure he would not answer, or if he did, he would be pissed at me for waking him. But to mysurprise, he answered, and wasn't mad at all. I asked if he could bring me something to work...well, he said he could but it would be later. Then I asked if I had a car, could I come get it..he said yea. So terrible me, I got to work, then I pretended like there was a small emergency and asked a coworker if I could borrow her car, she said of course. So off I went to get my drugs.  Keep in mind, I don't even have my license. I was paranoid the whole time, trying not to get pulled over. But I made it back, after stopping at a McDonalds to use their bathroom to get high. I felt much better.

My mom and stepdad went out of town for a couple days. So I enjoyed my nights all alone. But spent most of the time high, with no money, and stupid excuses for why I don't have any money.

I bought a suboxone Friday, and had every intention in the world of quitting heroin, at least for a few days. Or at least for ONE day! So Saturday morning, I woke up feeling pretty dope sick. So I take some suboxone. After 30 minutes, I still wasnt feeling that great, so I took more. I got to work at 7 am.  After a couple of hours of being there, I started thinking of how much better I would feel if I had some heroin. Then I started thinking..."It is 9:30...my dealer might bring me something..." And I just couldn't stop thinking about it. And as soon as I started thinking about it, I started feeling much worse, much more dope sick, so that made me think I needed it even more. So I broke down and called him, and he brought me some.   :(  But yes, it did make me feel much better...even after I took the suboxone. I don't know why they tell you you can't get high until a few days after your last suboxone dose...because I took it just 3 hours after, and I felt decently high. I bought even more when I got off work, and did it all that night. I felt pretty good. But again, my mom was wondering why I didn't have any money. I feel really guilty for lying.

But..speaking of my mom. Our relationship is really struggling. The way she looks at me, with such disappointment.  The was she shakes her head at me. With nothing but disgust on her face towards me. It makes me feel terrible, and worthless. I know I have done her wrong, but I feel like she absolutely hates me and is so disappointed in me and thinks I am just a waste.

The last heroin I did was last night. So I have gone one day without heroin. I took some suboxone around 7pm. And this time, it actually made me feel better. I don't understand why sometimes it works better than other times. I am already thinking that maybe I can get some heroin tomorrow.  I don't know if I can ever do this...break away from heroin. I honestly feel like my brain will have to be rewired, or I need to be hypnotised to forget about it. I really don't think I can do this on my own. You would think I would WANT to live a sober life. But I don't. Heroin makes me happy. That is why I say my brain needs to be rewired. It is all screwed up.

Life

I came across this picture the other day. It is such a sweet picture, but also very sad . It depicts life very well for those that have fallen in love, and lived a full life with their partner.  I just wanted to share it.

oops

so a few days ago, I had a suspicion that my mom and sister had found my blog and were reading it. So I panicked and made it private until I found out for sure. Turns out, I was wrong and was just being paranoid. But I thought I had switched the settings back to public that same day, but I must not have! I just tried again to change it to public, so I hope it worked.

Here we go again....

Ok, Let me try to write this while I still can/. Not too much has been going on with me....still on the heroin.  Honestly, for most of the day, and yesterday,  I have had this strange, nervoud feeling in my stomach. But  I will get  into that in a second.

I am listening to Adele's CD right now. I absolutely love it. Bit it is reminding me a lot of when my ex and I were splitting up, and everything that was going on in my life at that time. Music is powerful, I love how it can do that. At least for me it does.

I am having a hard time writing this. My mind is completely blank, seriouly. Ok. I had to pause the music. It takes me to a whole different world. haha

Anyway. I have been working lately, and then buying dope with the cash everyeday. And then I come up with some lame ass lie about why I didn;t make any money that day to tell my mom. I am running out of lies. And I have been doing some shady things at work with the register to get a tad extra cash. It is stupid of me, I really need to stop doing that! I am not REALLY this type of person, it is terrible.
 So tonight, I realized  I didn't have enough money to get enough heroin for the next couple of days(as much as i'd like) because I am off tomorrow and wont be making money.. So my options were to get as much as I can, and MAKE it last by doing very small amounts...or get a suboxone and as much heroin as I can...do all the heroin  at once tonight....and then start using my suboxone tomorrow and try taking a break from this shit, So that is what I decided. I got my suboxone and as much heroin as I could. And I did it all in a shot almost an hour ago.  :) When I did it, I got that feeling that I used to ALWAYS get when I first started. The feeling where my hands and feet tingle, and feel prickly..almost to the point where it is painful...and really itchy, haha, I love it. Then I nodded, not sure how long. But I had all sorts of noddy dreams. I love the nod dreams...it feels SO REAAL. It is so weird. And I start talking to myself out lousd, as if people are really here, It is strange. TRhen I woke up...alll confused and trying to get myself sorted abd realize what is going on. And now I am surfin the web, Or trying to. I am having to keep one eye closed while I type. My vision is all blurry.

But yes, there is one good thing to all this. It is that tomorrow, I am starting fresh. I am quitting heroin, at least for a little while. And I really want to..again, at least for a little while. I have too many things that I realy need to take care of, and I keep pushing that all to the back of my head more and more, as I keep using herpoin.I need to stop doing all this bad stuff, and telling lies. I need to be the good person that I truly amn.

I don't know if anyone really reads this stuff. I guess I do it because I think it is good for me, to have a journal to write all this crap, especially since I keep everything to myself  and bottled up. It feels good to get it out and "talk" about it in some type of way. BUT, if anyone foes read it, aI an sorry about spelling and typing errors. Its taking too much effort to try and reread and fix everything at the moment!

I lost a piece of me in you...I think I left it in your arms....

I had the weirdest dream last night. I was in the car with an old friend of mine. It was late at night, and we had just pulled over and parked in front of some building that was unknown to us. We were acting silly like we always do, listening to music, dancing, just being loud and goofy. All of a sudden we heard a bunch of guns being cocked and then, "FREEZE, PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR AND STEP OUT OF THE CAR, THIS IS THE POLICE!" I didn't know what the hell was going on. I was afraid to move too fast. I put my hands up and yelled out that I had to unlock the door. Then we both stepped out. I had my case that I keep me heroin and syringes in with me. As I was stepping out, I tried to slide it under my seat. I kept thinking, "Dammit, they are going to find it...and then my friend is going to find out that I use heroin!" They took us inside the building..apparently it was some kind of police station/jail. They put us in a room together, and kept questioning us. They left the room. There was a manhole on the floor in the room. My friend used all her strength and moved to cement lid. Then she climbed in it. I asked her what she was doing...she said,"Getting the hell out of here!" I was too scared to do it. After she left, I ran back out to my car to get my bag...they werent keeping us locked in the room. They apparently didn't search our car...my bag was still there. I went back in, and the cop didn't seem to care that my friend had left. So I started thinking.....they have no reason to arrest us and keep us here, they haven't found anything.  So I asked him if I was under arrest and if I had to stay..he told me no. So..I left, all shooked up! And that was pretty much it. Weird huh? Then I woke up dope sick.

I had only saved a tiny bit for this morning, but it didn't do much. I still felt rough. I finally scored around 2:30, before I went to work,

There is a new girl at work now. She came in yesterday to do paperwork. The first thing I noticed about her were her eyes, they were VERY pinned, and glossy. Then today, I had to train her. She mentioned that she is on suboxone. So we talked about that for a while. I didn't mention that I am a heroin addict. I just can't bring myself to tell people. Although, I think it would be good to have someone, a friend especially, that knew about it. Maybe they could help give me encouragement. Instead, I end up making friends with other "users" somehow. But I have a feeling she is using more than suboxone. When I take suboxone, it doesn't make my eyes looks THAT glossy and pinned. Maybe that's just me.

Anyway, when I ordered my syringes online, I put my friends name on it, with my address. My plan was to tell my mom that my friend went out of town and asked if she could send a package here. But my mom wasn't here when it came, so I didn't have to tell her anything. I threw the box away in the trash can in my room. But I put the receipt in a different trash bag in the kitchen, all the way at the bottom. I wanted to play it safe, in case she somehow found it in the trash. Well...yesterday she said.."Why would your friend be getting mail sent to our address?!" And she said it with attitude. So I just told her the lie that I already thought about. She was NOT happy about it, and acted like she didn't believe me. Whatever. But what pisses me off...she went through my trash bag?! Really?! Geez! Good thing I didn't keep the receipt with it!

Well, I guess that is all that has been going on. Nothing exciting.  GOOD NIGHT!

Hello World

My syringes arrived in the mail a couple days ago. They came a day earlier than they were supposed to. So I was thrilled. Oh, and they sent TWO packs of syringes! I ordered and paid for 1 pack, but got two. Fine by me!!

So, needless to say, I have been getting very very high lately. I have been achieving the nod too. :)  I am high right now...just dozed off while I was typing this. I am about to go turn some music on and clean my room. I have a pretty decent shot saved that I am going to do tonight. Then I gotta get some more tomorrow. I think maybe after this weekend, I will try to quit. I have to talk myself into it and motivate myself! It is for the best.

My sister left her facebook logged in, so I got nosy and started looking in her messages. In one message she was talking to her friend. This is what she said about me.."I have a heroin addicted sister who is on a fast path to dieing and going to hell." Well then.  It pisses me off when I find out she is talking to all her friends about me and my addiction. I am a very private person...and I don't like to share much about myself. Especially that part. So when I hear that she is telling everyone, it really makes me angry!

Anyway, it is raining and storming here. I love it. I guess I will go now and so some cleaning.

HI!

I just got home from work. It was a pretty busy night. I have been working second shift more lately, which is awesome because I make a lot more money on that shift! I bought a lot of heroin today, and snorted most if it. I have some left. I am about to do another line, and then save the rest for the morning, or afternoon. I will try to save it for work, if I am not feeling sick in the morning. My syringes are supposed to arrive on the 19th, I am so excited. This is the longest I have gone in a LONG time without sticking a needle in my arm...seriously. Anyway. So as I was walking home from work tonight, I passed through the parking lot of the gas station that I have to walk by. Two guys were standing by their car, pumping gas. They stopped me and asked me what I was doing and asked if I need a ride. So, I took them up on their offer. (I don't like walking home that late, especially because the other night, I swear someone was after me. This homely looking guy was watching me walking home, then he turned around and started following me, and started getting faster.  I finally started running and made it home! It scared me.) So I get in the car and tell them where I live. They were so friendly. They had just bought a pack of beer and they both cracked one open and started drinking it, and asked if I wanted one. One of the guys was about to give me some Lortabs, but then realized he left them at home. :( Oh well. Honestly they wouldn't have done ANYTHING for me at all. I used to eat handfulls of those, and not feel a thing.  So I just made it home. I guess it was kind of dangerous, me getting into a car with 2 complete male strangers. Oh well. Who cares.

I am so happy because I dont have to wake up early. So I am going to spend all night goofing around on the internet. I have recently gotten hooked on TheWeeklyVice.com and PYSIH.com.

Well...I hope everyone is doing well!!!!!!!!! Goodnight

I obviously can't do this...

I haven't posted in a couple days, simply because I have done nothing good. :( It is so easy to persuade myself to do the wrong things. A couple of days ago I was feeling positive, and ready to get some clean time started. I made it to day 2. I had to go to work that afternoon..right before I went to work,  I decided I wanted some coke...so I called my guy to see if he could meet me. He explained that he hardly had any coke left, but he would have it later that night..and he says.."You don't want to just go ahead and get your usual bag of H?"..I told him no..because I don't have any syringes...and I only shoot it. So that was it, and we hung up. Right as I hung up...I started thinking..well..I could just get some and try snorting it to see if it is worth it. I have always felt like sniffing it was a waste...but I have also always had syringes on hand. So I called right back, and told him I wanted to get some after all. I had just taken some suboxone too....so I wasn't sure if I'd even feel it. So as I am waiting on him to bring it, I am cursing myself..thinking.."I am so stupid, I can't even go a full 2 days?!..." I don't know what comes over me. Once I start thinking about it, I start to think..."what will it hurt?...I am only getting a little bit.." And then there is no changing my mind. So I got my bag...sniffed most of it. It definitely didn't compare to shooting it. No rush at all...but the effects just slowly came on. And then later, I started getting a slight nod...but nothing too extreme.  I was happy to feel it, considering I took some suboxone! So, the next couple of days, I bought at least a half gram every day, sometimes more, and snorted it. And now, here I am. I just took some suboxone because I am not going to get anymore to sniff. It takes so much for me to feel good off of it. But last night, I did order some syringes online. So they should be here within a week. So I am hoping I can get my tolerance down, and when I finally get my syringes...and get some H,  I will be very happy. I think I am going to set a deadline...a date for when I am going to quit. Maybe August 1st?....Not sure yet.

But yea... I just don't know if I can ever convince myself to truly quit. But if I don't, something bad is bound to happen

In Repair

Sounds all too familiar....


Too many shadows in my room
Too many hours in this midnight
Too many corners in my mind
So much to do to set my heart right
Oh it's taking so long I could be wrong, I could be ready
Oh but if I take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
I am in repair, I am in repair

Stood on the corner for a while
To wait for the wind to blow down on me
Hoping it takes with it my old ways
And brings some brand new luck upon me
Oh it's taking so long I could be wrong, I could be ready
Oh but if I take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
I am in repair, I am in repair

And now I'm walking in a park
All of the birds they dance below me
Maybe when things turn green again
It will be good to say you know me

Oh it's taking so long I could be wrong, I could be ready
Oh but if I take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
Oh, yeah I'm never really ready, Oh, yeah, I'm never really ready
I'm in repair, I'm not together but I'm getting there
I'm in repair, I'm not together but I'm getting there

I'm in repair, I'm not together but I'm getting there
I'm in repair, I'm not together but I'm getting there
I'm in repair, I'm not together but I'm getting there
I'm in repair, I'm not together but I'm getting there

DAY 2

I stayed up until about 4:30 am. I was feeling positive and in a good mood, and couldn't sleep. I came across some random website about prisoners who are requesting penpals, just to have someone to write to and talk to so they don't feel so lonely. A lot of them are on death row. Death row is so inhumane, it makes me sick..it's sick that our government can legally kill people like that. Now, I know a lot of them have done some very heinous things, but I just can't bring myself to feel ok about it. There has to be another way..  But I am really considering writing one or two of them. I can imagine how lonely it must get there, and it makes me feel good to bring any kind of happiness to someone else's life.

I finally fell asleep somewhere around 5 am. I dreamt all night about heroin. I ALWAYS do that when I am trying to stop using. It is like my brain is trying to do everything it can to break me and get me to use. I kept waking up because I was feeling some detox pains, so I took a little suboxone and went back to sleep. Now I am feeling pretty good. Just sipping on some coffee, enjoying my morning off, and trying to stay positive. I go to work at 3....hopefully I can have a good night and won't have terrible cravings. It is always the hardest once I have that money in my hand.

I hope everyone has a good day!

I Love the night time..

I am feeling pretty happy and positive right now, which is odd. I am not fretting over when I can get heroin. It has consumed so much of my mind, that when I go a short while without thinking about it, I can't believe it. A break will be good for me anyway....and my veins seriously need time to heal.

Anyway..there is no point to this...just feeling happy.......

I want to feel any way but normal...

For half a second, I felt the urge to use this time to really try to quit injecting these hard drugs into my veins! I mean....it can't really go on forever can it? If so, I will be living at home with my mom forever. How will I be able to afford a life?! I KNOW that I need to quit, I just don't want to. Then, that is when the whole, "It would be much easier if I was dead" factors in. I love heroin. I love how it makes me happy, it takes away my sadness. When I don't use, I miss it tremendously...almost like it were a person. I love how good it makes me sleep. I love how outgoing it makes me. I love how content and happy with life it makes me. But I hate how it makes me spend all my money. I hate how it makes me sick if I can't get any. But I hate the anxiety that I feel without it. I really believe heroin could be a treatment for depression. If it were legal, and prescribed, I might be a very successful person...but then again, maybe not, since I am an addict. Would I be able to control my doses? Probably not.

Anyway, I have been thinking about my past a lot lately. I really am trying to figure myself out. Trying to figure out why I am the way I am. Some of it is really starting to make sense....but I won't get in to all that right now.

Today was day one again. Well...maybe not. I did try to get something from a cotton. I didn't feel anything..but I am not feeling as sick as I should. What the hell....I will still call it day one. I am thinking about ordering some syringes offline.I am just worried about when it arrives....would my parents be nosy enough to open it?...what will it say on the package?.....I dunno......Before I got arrested, I had a box of 100 syringes n my car. I went to walmart to buy a 10 day supply of syringes (they usually always sell it to me), but this one time, the lady told me she could only sell me a whole box without a prescription. So, of course, I got the whole box, which was 100 syringes. It was nice having that many on hand! But, when I got pulled over, and taken to jail...the cops searched my car and took them all/ :(  Oh well.


Anyway...my goal is to make it 4 days.That will be a great start for me. The longest I have gone lately is 3 days. But without having any syringes on hand....it will be much easier.  The thought of buying some coke to snort is already crossing my mind. My god. I do have a problem. I have always said I want to feel any way but normal...but it is not healthy.

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell..

Well, I went all day Monday without any heroin. The next day, I went to work, but ended up scoring a big bag when I got off work. About $120 worth. Of course, my freaking syringe was breaking on me, but I got most of the shot in me. I still had some left in my bag, I decided I would figure out how to fix my syringe later. Well, later came. I kept trying to tape up my syringe, and fix it somehow. Eventually it broke for good, and I had to drink the last of my heroin :( I was very disappointed, but I did get a little high.

So now I don't have any syringes. So I know I can't get any heroin until I get more syringes. I guess I could snort it, but that seems pointless to me. Maybe I will make it more than 2 or 3 days now. Luckily I bought another suboxone yesterday alone with the dope. I could order some syringes online. I need to find some cheap ones though.

So I am just being lazy, enjoying my day off.  That is all for now

Homeless Man

Well hello. It is 2 in the afternoon. I just woke up. I have been working 3rd shift over the weekend. Now I get to go back to 1st shift, thank goodness. Over the weekend, while I was at work, late in the middle of the night, this man walks in the restaurant. He was really tall, scraggly, skin and bones and really skinny. He was carrying a few bags with him. He was obviously homeless. He started talking to me, asking if I wanted to buy some stuff that he had. He had several packs of cleaning supplies/wipes. I bought a pack for $2. Another customer bought a pack off of him.  There was a customer there that had been flirting with me all night. The homeless man ended up talking to him, and sitting with him for a while. The man was saying how he is trying to make money to buy food. I told him I could give him some soup. So I did, he was very appreciative. The other guy ended up buying him a sandwich, and some cigarettes. Then off he went. He was very nice. Well..last night, in the middle of the night, he wandered back in. He looked at me and said, "That soup sure was good last night and I am awfully hungry.." I said, "Yea, I can get you a little more!" So he sat down and ate 2 big bowls of it. He seemed so hungry. It made me feel good to help him. I just wish I knew more of his story. But I didn't want to be nosy.

Last night I bought some more H off of my dealer. The other day he told me he is selling coke now, if I ever want any. I am done with my coke phase. It leaves me feeling too strung out. I was bad on that for a while. Well...I got my bag from him last night, I was feeling pretty dope sick at this point. I went to a bathroom, and fixed up a small shot. The shot looked awfully different..more milky and cloudy. Immediately, the thought ran through my head..."What if he accidentally gave me a bag of coke instead!?"  Well..I did the shot just to see. Then I walked to work. I didn't feel the initial rush like I usually do. When I got to work, I started talking with the other girls....I was just talking nonstop, happy, feeling good, but heart racing...and just chatting nonstop. All of a sudden, I realized...."This WAS coke!" I was pissed. But it took away my dope sickness. I called me dealer telling him I am pretty sure he gave me coke. He said to do the rest of it, that there may be a small amount of coke that he accidentally put in there, but the big rock that was in there was H. Well...I didnt do any of the rock yet...so I figured I would check. So I did another shot, from the rock. And he was right. It was H. My pupils were pinned...but the feeling wasn't as intense as usual. I have wondered what it is like to shoot heroin and coke together. I didn't like it..it took away the good feeling of the H. I don't like that wiry feeling that coke gives.

SO anyway, I got to bed around 7:30 am. I was feeling a little sick when I woke up. I did a shot from my cottons...I feel ok now..but soon I will have to do some suboxone. I hvae the urge to have one more BIG binge, and then cut back for a while..for real this time. So dependng on how much money I make tomorrow, I will either do that binge tomorrow or the next day.

THinking ahead, to a life without heroin, doesn't sound appealing at all. Maybe I can learn how to live without it.

So Friday I was detoxing and craving pretty bad. I ended up getting some. I had to "borrow" the money from work, meaning I borrowed just a little from the register, and put it back as soon as I made it in tips. I only borrowed a little...so I knew I would make it back.  I felt so much better. But, I ended up doing too much. I could barely keep my eyes open at work. So I got off at 7 am, then went to bed. Had to work last night too. So I got more H. Did most of it, then saved a tiny bit, and decided to finish it at work. Then right as I was about to prepare my shot, the rubber tip on the plunger completely broke. :( I was SO disappointed, so I just snorted the last bit...which I feel like is such a waste. So I figured that meant it was time for a break since I didn't have anymore working syringes. Then after I woke up today...I decided to mess around with my syringe, and if I could somehow rig it to work, then I would get more...if not, then I would quit for a while. Go figure....I got it working. So I will be getting more tonight. I need to get another suboxone, because I have GOT to quit, REAL soon.

I have a customer at work that has been coming to see me the last couple nights. He wants me to call him and talk, and maybe hang out. I am really not interested. He bought me a teddy bear and gave it to me last night. He gave me a cell phone, and then said he will send me the money to get it turned on. He says he wants to take care of me and spoil me. hmm...tempting. He keeps telling me how beautiful I am, blah blah. I hope he doesnt come in tonight. If he does, he will be asking why I haven't called. :(

Anyway...........nothing exciting going on here, unfortunately. Four more hours and I will have my dope, I want it now.

I am a fucking mess. My heart is racing, and I am having TERRIBLE anxiety. I have GOT to have a big shot, soon. I took some suboxone hours ago, and it didn't do shit. So, instead of taking more, I decided to just buy some dope tonight. And the way I am buying it is pretty shady, which is making me all the more nervous. I'll eplain later. But I wont have it for another hour. I havent been able to eat all day....but now I am feeling hungry but unable to eat. I hate this feeling. Especially this racing heart.  Please let this work out

Loser

I have to admit, I feel like a fucking loser, a huge disappointment.  My sister is married with a kid, living her happy life, my brother is married, and in the military and just bought a house. Then there is me. I have got nothing, done nothing successful, I am a criminal, a drug addict, living with my parents. My mom used to be so proud of me. Now, it is nothing but disappointment. I feel terrible. So ashamed.

I am craving really badly.  I think this is day 2 with no heroin. I just got off the phone with my dealer asking if he would spot me something until tomorrow. He has done it before. So I figured it wouldn't hurt to ask. He said no, he doesn't do credit anymore. I dont go in to work until 11, and will have some money then. He said he would come meet me. I dunno....maybe I should take some more suboxone. The cravings are pretty  bad. I think I will now. I'll see it it helps.

Feeling Guilty

So...I have been feeling pretty guilty lately. My sister had her first baby about 3 months ago. They had been trying to have one for a while..and she actually had a miscarriage a couple years ago. Well...she was thrilled when she finally gave birth. I am currently staying at my mom's. She has been coming over every day just about with the baby. She spends all day here. Now, most of the time, if I am here, I stay in my room. Just because I feel uncomfortable around them, I feel like an outcast, and I just like being alone. Also...a lot of the time, I am high. I come out every now and then, but don't say much. Also...I don't interact with the baby much. I am uncomfortable around babies...don't know how to treat them. Seeing other people coo over them and kiss them all over makes me very uncomfortable. I don't know why. But lately, I have been trying to play around and talk to the baby...I can see in my sisters face that she likes that. And my mom has made comments about how I dont want anything to do with the baby, blah blah. So..I feel bad about that...especially after a couple weeks ago, when my family sat me down to talk about my addiction. They found out about it right at the beginning of my sister's pregnancy.  As they were talking to me, my sister told me that when she got pregnant, and found out about my drug use, she prayed to God to help me, and to help me get better. She said she prayed and said to him "Please dont let me have this baby if Michele is not going to be here and be well and happy...please help her" And she said when she made it the full 9 months and gave birth, and he was ok, she knew that I was going to be ok.  It made me cry. I didn't think she really cared like that. And to hear her say that, it felt good in a way.

 Ever since that talk, noone has said anything else about it. My family is strange, in that we dont talk about anything serious or personal. We just act like it isn't there. So it took a lot for them to sit down and talk about this stuff. I am so uncomfortable living here with my mom and stepdad. Me and my step dad dont ever talk. It is awkward. That is one reason I stay to myself. I am not mad at him, or dislike him or anything. I just stay away because I feel like he is aggravated with me...like I am a burden. And I feel he is probably mad at the things I have done and put my mom and him through. I just hate feeling like I am a problem.

I haven't used heroin in over a day. I just did a little suboxone..my back is killing me. It hurts inside, like it is my liver or kidneys or something.

Anyway...That is all for now.

24 hours

I keep yawning, my eyes are watery, I am  hot...gee..I wonder what this means. I am surprised I have gone this long without deciding to take my suboxone. It has been 24 hours since I did my last shot, but it was a BIG shot. I was so out of it last night. I kept waking up, confused as to why I was there and how I got there, then I realise I must have nodded off in the middle of doing something. I love that feeling..not sure why. I guess it is just an escape.

I was off work today. It is nice not stressing out about how I will get money for heroin since I was off today. So I am doing better...at least I am not using every day. And at least I am not doing illegal things in order to use. But I still want to use everyday. I just know I can't. I try to stay positive. It is hard to do..but the suboxone makes it a little easier to be happy. I feel like things will never be the same ever since heroin has come into my life. It is like I have finally felt what true happiness feels like...and now, nothing will ever be as good.

Anyway..I am trying to decide if I want to try to get something out of this cotton shot (prob wont even feel anything) or just go ahead and take some suboxone...

Too many drugs

I have been waking up the last few mornings confused and not remembering even going to sleep. I have been doing way too much heroin lately. But I like it. I woke up this morning with the weirdest feeling. Don't know why. But I have been in and out of sleep all day, literally. I have just been so tired today, even though I got a lot of sleep. I haven't even taken any sleeping pills the last couple of days. I guess it is just the heroin.

I did over a gram last night. Usually I would spread that amount out over 2 days.. But I just wanted to get really high. I guess I wont be getting any for the next few days. I work 3rd shift the rest of the week. Which means I wont be making much money. :( It makes me sad to know that I won't be able to get any for a while...I wish I had never even tried heroin once. Because it will forever be in my head. The mental part is much harder for me. I feel like I can't be happy without it.

Summertime, and the livings easy...

HELLO! Happy Independence Day!   So yesterday was payday. I had my paycheck money and decided to treat myself. I bought $170 worth of heroin. I bought it while I was at work...just ran across the street to meet him, then hurried back. I went to the bathroom and did a little. Then....I almost freaked out! The manager called 2 people into the office, then he drove them somewhere. He was taking them to do a drug test!!! I was so worried that I was going to be next. But nothing was said. Every now and then they randomly select people for drug tests. If I was picked, I would have failed...and been fired. But that just means the my chances are greater of being picked next, which means I HAVE to take a break from using. I cannot afford to get fired. How long does it take to be safe and able to pass a pee test??

Anyway, after work yesterday, I went to my friends house who I also work with. We had to make and decorate cupakes for work. We gave them out today for the holiday. But last night we were drinking Long Island drinks. mmmmm, they were good. They were going nicely with my heroin buzz. But it was weird because it has been so long since I have hung out with anyone. But I enjoyed it. I need to start doing that more often. Lately all I have been doing is keeping my self secluded and isolated.

Once I got home last  night, I did the last of my dope...which was a lot! So needless to say, I was very high. I couldn't do anything without it taking me 10 years to do. I felt great though. I kept trying to write a post. I started it...then I woke up an hour later with my forhead touching the keyboard and my neck in pain! So I gave up, and went to bed.

I woke up this morning feeling good, but a little nauseous. I ended up throwing up at work. That usually means that I had pretty good H. Today went by pretty fast at work.

I had a good day at work today. I found a random ten dollar bill in my apron today, so that was nice. And I had more money than I thought I did.
( wow..it is taking me so longto concentrate, and write this, and keep my eyes open!)

I decided to buy some more H today. I wanted to get as much as I could..because I am going to try to quit for a while, so I wanted to have one last good time. I got $120 worth once I got off work. I did a little as soon as I got it. Then I did a pretty big shot not long ago. And now, I can barely keep my yes open, much less, write this post. I am going to finish the bad pretty soon.

I guess I will end this post now.  BYEEEEEEEE

Good Morning

HELLO!!! I am just posting a quick hello, I have to leave soon for work. I was so high last night. I ended up buying a little more than a whole gram yesterday. I used it all.  I had a couple drinks at my friends house...we had to bake and decorate 351 cupcakes! It was for work. I'll explain later..........have a good day

It is currently 12:27 a.m....curious to see how long it'll take me to write tge oists/     1:17 am.   nevermind. i will write this tomorrow!

NOD

Been trying to start a post for the past hour....but I keep nodding off..........!!!!!!!!!!!

It's the DOPE MAN

Hey. I had a good day at work today. We were pretty busy. It was just me and the other girl that started around the same time as I did. I like her a lot. I think we will become pretty good friends. She recently got into trouble with drugs. She has been doing mandatory classes because of it. She is pretty cool...I like working with her.

I made good tips early, so I already knew I was going to get some heroin. So, I decided to call "The Man" to let him know. But he didn't answer. No biggie....I knew he would eventually answer. About an hour later, my manager told me I had a phone call. It was him! He was asking if I wanted anything because he was about to be passing by where I work. PERFECT. It was funny because my manager was teasing me, saying that it was one of my boyfriends calling me. Then he said.."Or maybe it was your dope man!" He was obviously kidding...he doesn't know I use dope ( I dont think )..but he was right about that. haha. So I got the other girl to watch my section, and I ran out to the McDonald's across the street to meet him. So I scored, and hurried back and went to the bathroom. I did a decent size shot...not too big or small. AHhh.....It was nice.

After work, I decided to do another big shot. OH MY GOD. My needle almost fucked up for good. I have had only 1 needle to use lately, since my parents found my others and threw them all away!!! Well...the rubber part came off and got stuck inside!  :( This has happened way too many times to me. I had to put some oil in it, and then I used a paper clip that I opened up and stuck it inside and moved the rubber part around...luckily it worked..I stuck the stick part back in, and it stayed in the rubber and slid back out. I have one more shot to do, a small one. I really hope I can get it to work one more time. I need to go buy some new syringes. But without a car, it is hard. I cant do it when I go with my mom! I am thinking about ordering some offline.

Anyway...I am just hanging out at home with my mom, stepdad, sister and nephew. My eyes keep getting heavy,,,I feel good.

Groggy

Not feeling too hot right now. I haven't had anything today. I guess I will take some suboxone and a couple sleeping pills in a second.

So..I am not a religious person, AT ALL. But a little while back, in the midst of my addiction...before anyone REALLY knew much about it, my family kept asking me to go to church with them. I would go every now and then..just to get them off my back. Well..after I went a few times...this lady that always sat behind us, she came up to me and handed me a gift bag. I opened it and it was a bible, a journal, and some candy. She gave me a big hug and said..."I just want you to know that I love you, and Jesus loves you, and everything will be ok..." It was really weird...but really sort of touching. Because, honestly, I do feel like noone cares..REALLY cares. So that was nice....but I just found out today, that she just passed away yesterday. :(  And it made me kind of sad. I didn't know her very well. But I thought it was so nice and sweet of her to do that, and I will always remember that, and her.

I stopped going to church with them for a while....then after a couple months I went with them again. Before church started, the preacher came up to me and said," I am so glad to see you. I have been so worried about you...I wish I could just wrap you up and make everything ok, but I can't do that. Please keep coming."  It was just too weird. It touched me...but it was weird. I don't know what to think.

Anyway.  Sometimes I just sit and think about life. I am 28 years old. I am lonely, and sad. But I don't allow people to get close to me. At the rate I am going, I will stay alone forever. My heart is still broken from my last relationship. I was at work yesterday, and a song came on the radio. Now with me....songs bring me back in time to where I was when I really liked it, or when I listened to it a lot...and it brings back the feelings I had at that time. Well..I heard a song that I listened to a lot when my ex decided to leave and move  out. I just got lost in the song...and the feelings...and my eyes started tearing up. Music has such a strong affect to me.

Anyway....I am glad it is the evening. I like night time....it means this day is almost over. That is sad, huh?

King Heroin

So, I was just thinking...how much things have changed ever since heroin has come into my life. Now, nothing is nearly as important as it is. I used to be so independant. I lived on my own, paid my own bills, had my own car, phone, very responsible and very trustworthy. Now....I have a criminal record, I currently don't have a license, I have gotten fired from 3 jobs, I am staying with my mom for the time being, I don't have a phone, and my family doesn't trust me. But I can't blame them...I have done some pretty crappy things. My stomach turns when I think of all the stuff I have done or the people that I have hurt, just so I could get high. Sometimes I have to block it out, or it makes me feel absolutely terrible. Now...every now and then, when I am really wanting to get high but can't...thoughts cross my mind of what I could do, who I could con..or whatever...but then I think back to the things I have done....and it stops me from doing it. I am ashamed. But I guess not ashamed enough, because I still use, and I still lie about it. If I had my way...I would use every day all day. I wish I could. And honestly, if it weren't for my immediate family...I would probably be either living on the streets strung out, or dead. Every time I get really deep into my addiction, they pull me out and snap me out of it. Which just happened recently. Right when I started this blog...around a week ago. I was using everyday, spending all my money, being useless. I ate dinner with my mom, step dad, sister, brother in law, and grandma. After we ate, they sat me down and said they need to talk to me. My stomach immediately turned. They confronted me, and said they know I am still using. My step dad pulled out my bag he found with my needles and spoon. They kept lecturing me, telling me how I am hurting myself, and they dont want to see me hurt. They went on about how I am helping my drug dealer buy all his nice things, leaving me with nothing, and that my drug dealer isn't my friend. blah blah. They said I need help. I said I WILL NOT be sent away somewhere, and that I have not been doing it every day. I told them  I just have no motivation in life, and that having goals will help me. I told them that I feel like I have noone that I can talk to. Which is true. They said I can talk to them. Well....lets just say I am the black sheep of the family. I CANNOT talk to them. They dont understand. I told them that having a counselor or someone to talk to would help. My grandma made me promise her that I would stop. In the end...we decided that after work every day, I would give them the cash that I made...that way I wouldnt be tempted to buy dope with it. Well...immediately, I started thinking of ways to get around that...I started thinking that every day I will keep 10 or 20 dollars...and on the 3rd or 4th day, I could get high. Will I ever WANT to completely stop? I am starting to think that that day will never come

Hola

Well hello. Not much has been going on. Same ol thing. Woke up yesterday and did a little suboxone. Got through work, and I made enough money to buy a half gram. So I had to start walking down the street after work, in the 105 degree weather, in my black work uniform. It was so freaking hot. And of course, he took forever to come and pick me up. I was so paranoid the whole time that my mom or step dad would go somewhere and see me walking the opposite way down the road. But that didn't happen....But he finally showed up. I guess he felt like being nice, because he actually drove me back to the street where I live. So as soon as I got home, to the bathroom I went. I didn't do the whole bag...but I did most of it. I was all hot and shaky at this point. I was so ready for it. So in my vein it went. This time, it felt much stronger than it has been. I felt my arms get heavy...my face and hands started tingling and itching. I love that feeling. SO needless to say, I was pretty high. Ended up doing the rest a couple hours later. And I slept GREAT last night. Today is sunday. I REALLY hope my mom doesn't ask me to go to church with her.

I have been listening to music all day. I dont know what I would do without it. It makes me happy.  :)
Anyway...I am not doing anything today...just enjoying my day off and being lazy!!