:)

These past 2 days have just been great.  I cannot tell you how different I feel. I finally have some feeling, emotionally. I finally feel good at times, happy. It has been 11 days since I used heroin. It has been at least 3 years since I have gone this long without anything. I have life inside of me. I am getting motivation. I am excited about the future, about getting a job...about getting my license back, getting a nice car, meeting some friends. I have no friends. I have no one that I talk to...noone that I hang out with. I wouldn't know what to do being around people and socializing. But I am excited to get to that point.  But first and foremost, I HAVE to get a job. I have to start paying on this probation.

It is just so unreal to me. I keep thinking of how nice it is, not worrying about being sick. But the thing is, I LOVE how the heroin makes me feel. But the truth is, it is impossible to continue life successfully, and use every day with a habit. I still think about it. I dreamt about it the other day. But right now, I am just thrilled that I FINALLY feel good.  Addiction is pure hell. I was so trapped and lost. Even though it was only 2 weeks ago, I look back at that time and see how terribly sad, and lost, and stuck I was.

I am still not 100% back to normal, of course. But I feel very good. I honestly feel like, if I can get a job....my life is going to turn around. I look back to 10 years ago....and I see now how I was suffering then...with addiction and depression. But I didn't realize I was an addict then. But now, it is all so clear to me. I didn't realize I was an addict until I got to my worst. I thought I just really enjoyed using drugs and drinking. Once I found opiates, Roxis to be exact, I lost it all...and then I found heroin and lost even more and stole straight from my parent's house just so I wouldn't get sick.That is when I knew I was an addict.

I have a lot to work on. And I know 11 days is not much...but considering that I haven't gone this long in 3 years...I am happy.


:)

Hey Everyone

Well..First off...I feel pretty good today! I am still sneezing some, and have very light back pain. I still am feeling anxious. But considering how I WAS feeling...I am so thrilled. I still love heroin and miss it....but it isn't on my mind 24/7. I now think of how shitty it makes me feel when I can't get any. It is terrible. It is holding me back. Just going through the roller coaster of using, finding money to score, trying ot make it last, hoping I can score again the next morning...It is so exhausting. It takes everything out of me, and it consumes me. It leaves me with no motivation to live the life that I used to want. No motivation to be successful. No motivation to live, period. And that is the truth. I do wish that I could use it on occasion, rarely...as a treat. But I don't know how possible that is. But I am not going to think of that right now.

I have a lot to work on. It has only been 5 days since I last used heroin. But I have so many obstacles to get through...all brought on by my drug use.  This probation thing is a big hassle, but it has to be done. I really just need a job.

When I went to my first probation meeting, the officer said he is going to refer me to a rehab center. I haven't heard anything from them yet though. I do think I need it. Because as soon as I start making money, I don't know that I can resist the urge to use.

Hopefully tomorrow I will feel even better. And hopefully soon some positive things will start happening in my life!

This is HARD

Hi. So I have not used heroin in 3 days. But in a span of 2 days, I used 2 lortabs...which is not much at all for me. I am not feeling so hot today. I am having back pains, anxiety, and just an overall uncomfortableness.  Plus, the mental thing is really hard today. I have been searching through this house looking frantically for money or something to trade for drugs. But I made myself quit. I bought a bottle of sleeping pills the other day, but my mom took them from me and just gives me one a night. I could use several of those right now.

I hope so badly that I can get some sleep tonight, and feel better tomorrow. I have got to look for a job, but I just can't do it feeling this way.

I found some myrrh oil in my house. I read that it has been known to have a calming, sedating effect, and can help with pain.  So I took some...anything is worth a try. But it taste so nasty!!

Anyway...that is all for now. I cannot wait until I feel NORMAL, and feel GOOD. PLEASE GOD LET IT HAPPEN SOON.

Struggling a bit

I got some heroin a couple days ago. The highest I have ever been.  I did it all that night. Over these past 2 ays, I have used 2 lortab pills. It has kept most of the withdrawals away. I am all out now though. So I will feel like crap in the morning, I am sure.

I was watching this show called Elementary. This guy in the show is a recovering heroin addict, and seeing him and his temptation, it just made me want to use. But I can't.

When I went to talk to my probation officer, I told him I had a problem with drugs. He asked me what drugs I use...I was ashamed to say it, but I told him...heroin. He just shook his head. He said that once people start using heroin, they never quit, they use it for life. I told him, no...I will quit. He said...no, they never can quit. Wow...thanks for the inspiration buddy. But maybe he is right.

Right now, I keep searching for a purpose, for some motivation. I can't seem to find anything. I have to get through this.

Crying...

So, I forgot to mention..the other day, my probation officer stopped by just to meet me. He saw my stepdads patrol car, (he is a cop). He was aksing about that, and asking about his guns. He said I am already violating my probatoin by being in a household with guns. He asked if I could possibly go stay in a shelter. NO! I can't!   Hopefully we can work something out...

But just now, my parents said they want to talk to me. They were going on and on about all the money I have spent on drugs, and how I need to admit that I have a problem. I DO admit it!! I told them that! They were fussing at me because I plead guilty to the judge without an attorney. I couldn't afford an attorney! They were just really coming down on me.  And saying how I need to open up to them. They were asking me what all drugs I have done. I told them I am uncomfortable telling them. They got mad and said I need to open up. I told them it is easier for me to open up to someone that isn't family. That also made them mad. Then they were going on and on about how they just want better for me and that I am better than this.

I just want to die.


This song really means a lot to me...especially now

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Tired of feeling this way

I still can't believe that after one day of use, I am feeling withdrawals. I could not sleep at all last night. Today, my whole body hurts and I am exhausted.  I could possibly get some more tomorrow, but the thought that it would send me right back into feeling this way the next day is making me aprehensive. I don't know what I am going to do.

Fed Up

I am so fed up. I went 9 days without heroin. And then I use it one day..and then a day later, I feel withdrawals. What the hell? I woke up this morning feeling like shit. Body aches, and sneezing a million times. It is crazy. I hate heroin because of this. You would think that taking a 9 day break, and then using once, that I wouldn't feel withdrawals. I hate it.  Oh well..I just drank a beer, about to drank another one. Hopefully I won't feel much worse than this.

Woke up confused

Well, I woke up very confused. It was one of those mornings where you aren't sure what happened last night.  But then I remembered. I definitely have a headache this morning. I was so high last night. I don't think I had ever been that high. It was crazy.  I remember I was trying to feed my dogs, I was standing at the counter putting food in their bowls. I nodded out for the longest time standing there. Finally I snapped awake...and my poor dogs were laying there so patiently waiting on me....they looked so anxious to get their food. I couldn't help but laugh. But I enjoyed myself very much last night.  I just couldn't really do anything productive, at all. But I had lots of fun.

I had a lot of dreams last night. One, I was with my dad just hanging out. He passed away a couple years ago..I miss him a lot.  In another dream....my mom and stepdad were confronting me and told me they knew I was high...and I was basically in a lot of trouble.  I think I had a lot of dreams like that one.

But as soon as I did that first shot yesterday., it felt like I had no tolerance at all! It was great. I was very pleased, and think I will be satisified for a while. I guess I have to be!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

WOW!~   It was a success!!! Im home, and very high I did just shoot up, now im gonna do the rest. This feels so great, and my tolerance DID lower as I was hoping it would! But I am just enjoying it this one last time tonight. Let me shoot up, I will write more in aa bit!


:)

So...

I walked up to the post office that is right up the street from me. I told my mom I was going for a run so she wouldn't suspect anything.The lady said she could cash the money order, except for one thing...she didn't have enough money in her register to cover it..so she couldn't!! This is a tiny town that I am in...thank goodness because it ended up helping me out.  The lady working told me that the post office a few minutes away would have the money. But I told her I didn't have a car, and couldn't walk that far and make it in time. Then an older lady walked in and started talking to the lady that worked there, apparently she knew her... The worker asked the old woman where she was headed and if she could take me to the other post office. So, she said sure! YAY. So this little old lady took me to the post office and back, and I was able to cash the money order!!!

When I made it back, my mom and step dad were looking at me, like they were trying to see if I was high. Then they were talking to me telling me that I really have to take this probation seriously and get through it and not screw up. Theyre right.

But I am getting high tonight. I have the money. I am just waiting on them to leave..they are going to a football game...then I am meeting my dealer!

Ill write more later.......

So freaking excited.

Well, I checked in today at the probation office. She just told me who my agent will be, and I have to go back on Tuesday to talk to him.

I have been trying to think of a way to get some money. I have had a money order sitting in my room for $100 for about 5 or 6 months now..but it is made out to the court. I was originally going to use it to pay a traffic ticket, but have not needed it yet. So I didn't think there was any way I could get my money back, since I don't have the receipt. Well, I decided to call the post office and ask her if I could. She said as long as my name is in the "From" section, then I can cash it. YAY!!!! I was so thrilled to hear that. Then I immediately called my dealer. He was happy to hear from me (of course) and was asking where I had been. But I just wanted to make sure that he had some. I will just have to pay him to bring it to me. But I am so freaking excited.  I know, it is stupid. But if I do it tonight, that will give me 3 full days to get it out of my system, in case I do have to take a drug test on Tuesday.  And, I haven't used in about 9 days, so my tolerance should be down. I can't believe this gets me so excited.

Anyway...I will update later. Hopefully I have no problems cashing that money order.

Tired

So, I am guessing that I finally fell asleep shortly after 5. I got about 2 hours of sleep. I woke up feeling half dead. I am just tired, of everything. I wish I could get my hands on some money..somehow.

Oh well. My back is hurting today. This lack of sleep is really taking a toll on me...........

4 in the morning

I am so tired of not being able to sleep. Every night, I can't fall asleep until 4 or 5...and lately I have been getting up around 7 to take care of this court and probation stuff. It is wearing on me. Tonight, I just don't feel tired. I keep thinking about heroin. But it isn't that terrible need, where I feel like I have to have it. It is just excitement of knowing I MIGHT be able to get some in the next few days.

I just had to get out of my bed for a minute. Maybe I can somehow get myself to fall asleep.   Goodnight

Hello World

I know noone really reads this, but it feels good just to get some thoughts out. I have always been one to keep a journal that I write in, but I have thrown all my journals and writings away and no longer keep an actual journal on paper. The reason for that is because it is supposed to be private. And I know my family snoops through my stuff, and there are plenty of things I don't want to share with them. Even just some thoughts that I don't want them to know.

Anyway. I am not sure how I feel.  Two days ago I had to go to court. I was being charged with breach of trust, a felony. I went ahead and plead guilty. There was a possibility that I could go to jail for nearly 5 years.  I was worried, because I do have a few other convictions from my past. But luckily, I got probation for 18 months, and I have to pay restitution and fees, which is pretty close to $9000 total, but will be broken down into monthly payments. That is a lot of money. But I know I have spent way more than that on my drugs. Tomorrow, I go  check in for the first time and meet my probation officer. I wonder if I will be drug tested on my first day?

I haven't used heroin in 8 days. I woke up this morning, and thought to myself..."Wow, I actually feel...NORMAL..."   When I was using constantly, I remember just looking at other people, coworkers, friends...and just seeing them go about their business, all smiles and happy, just being normal and sober...and I would try to remember what it was like.. not having to worry about making sure I always had another shot lined up. Making sure I had the money, etc. But, now I am there. I still have a few body aches. But today is the first time I have finally felt 'normal'. Oh, and it is weird. In the past, any time I try to quit, I would dream EVERY night about heroin, and would wake up wanting it very badly. But this time....these past 8 days...I haven't had one dream about it until last night. But in my dream I wasn't able to get any, and then I woke up.

But, I still want some heroin very badly, but the cravings are not as bad as they used to be. I want to get high, but the fact that I can now be drug tested is weighing heavily on me. I will get high again soon though. Very soon.

I guess that is all for now.  I need to try to get some sleep. I get to report to my probation officer tomorrow, yay.

GOODNIGHT

HEY

Ok, so it has been a whole 7 days without heroin. I think it has been about 3 or 4 days without suboxone. Today I am feeling all kinds of aches. Especially my back. And I feel exhausted. Shouldn't these aches be gone by now??

Last nigh I drank..the first time in a long time. I was drinking alone in my room, jamming out to my music. I finished off the bottle. As soon as I took my last shot, my stomach turned and I was gagging. After trying to hold it back, I threw up. :( yuck.

I had court today. I pled guilty. I am now on probation. I have GOT to get a job. This shit sucks. PROBATION?! Oh man.

There is nothing I want more right now, than some heroin.

Anyway. I will write more later....

ALCOHOL!!!!!!

Well. I will say it has been a LONG time since I drank. Now, this is where it all began. Drinking. In highschool, then college. The start of it all. But ever since I met the love of my life, opiates...I have had no desire for alcohol. None, whatsover. Even when I couldn't get any opiates, or when I was taking a break.. wonder why that is. But I guess I am bored. I have had half a bottle of vodka in my room for months now. Tonight I decided to pull it out, but I almost had to convince myself to drink. But I have had a few shots now. I got my radio going, and I am enjoying myself.  i am about to go take another shot. I havent listened to any music in a long time. I have missed it. Anyway..I will write more later.

Hello Again

So, today is day 6 without any heroin.  That is wild. I can't even tell you how long it has been since I have gone longer than a day without it. Now, yes, I used one suboxone over a period of about 3 days. I feel...OK. Not great. I defiitely never felt the severe withdrawal symptoms, thanks to the suboxone. I feel worse today than I did yesterday, but I am sure that is because the suboxone is all out of my system now. It is just so weird. To not be worried about how I will get more...but then again, I miss it.

I woke up at 6 am today after finally falling asleep around 3am. I thought today was my court date. I got up and took my dogs out. Then I started thinking of how I really want to go back to bed, and how nice it would be if I looked at the date wrong and it was actually tomorrow. So I deciced to look at the paper again. Wow.....my luck is good. haha. I DID read it wrong, it was actually tomorrow morning. So right back to bed I went!

Anyway...I have been jobless for a week now. I really haven't even begun looking for another job. I think I just needed some time...to get through this. To get clean. Even though, every day I think, "Is there any way I can get my hands on some money???" Because it would be so nice to be able to get high. If I had the cash, I would get high, without a doubt.  That is the hard part. How do I keep myself from getting it when I have the means? I am not strong enough when it comes to that!

It is a great feeling when I think about it, knowing I dont HAVE to have the heroin. But it is all that is on my mind. It is such a weird thing. I am especially excited now because I know that when I finally do get some, my tolerance will be much much lower.

I am more emotional now. I guess it is because I am just not numbing my emotions. I think about my past, A LOT. Man...it is crazy. The things I have done. I look back, and all I see is a girl that was lost, and tried to numb herself in any way she could. Someone that just wanted to escape. Someone that had no direction. That is me.

Anwway. I cannot believe it has been almost 9 months since I got arrested. 10 months ago I was at my worst. Absolutely at my worst. It makes my stomach turn when I think back at things. I cannot believe I got to that point. I am still stuck. I don't know what I would be doing if it weren't for my mom and stepdad. Where would I be? It is scary really.

So, I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. Still trying to find myself, and understand myself.

Been A While

Well. A lot has been going on. Most importantly...a few days ago, I went  in to work like usual. That morning I bought a whole gram and another $30 worth. I did some of it at work. After my shift was over, my manager told me that there was something he needed to talk to me about. My heart pounded. My mind was racing..."What could it be?" I wondered. I was thinking.."Did someone catch me using drugs?....are they going to look at my arms?....but then I remembered the drug test. Ah yes, the drug test.. He informed me that he received a call about the drug test that I had taken MONTHS ago. He was told that I failed it and they had to let me go. Why in the world did it take ALL this time??? I totally understood...it wasn't his fault. I knew I had failed that test. I was surprised it took that long to fire me. Immediately I almost felt a bit of relief. I knew that if I took some time off from work, that would mean I would take some time off from heroin and would HAVE to get some clean time. I knew as long as I was working and making money daily, I would continue this cycle. So it alsmost was a breath of fresh air to know this cycle had to stop, at least for a little while. Then as I started walking home, I remembered I had bought a large amount that morning and still had most of it. The thought crossed my mind that I could just do it all at once and try to kill myself. But I knew deep down that this H I have been getting lately wasnt strong enough to OD on. In fact, I did do it all that night, and was disappointed. Very disappointed. My plan was to start using my suboxone the next day. But as soon as I woke up, I suddenly remembered the 50 dollars I had left. So, I just had to get one more bag. There was no way out of it. I couldn't talk myself out of it. If i have the cash, it is almost impossible to keep me from getting it. Sad, huh. The next day, I knew I didn't have any money, so I was okay with starting my suboxone. So here we are now...this is my second day without any heroin. The longest I have gone in a long time.  I told my mom today that I was fired. I was afraid to tell her. I hate all the disappointment I keep causing. I know she is no longer proud of me. Why should she be. All the pics on her fridge.....the ones of me are getting to be less and less. I noticed that yesterday. I have really got to do something.

I have to go to court on the 16th. There is a posibility that I could do some jail time.

I have got to get control.