I need a job

So, I have been trying to speak with someone about a factory job. I was told to go in today and fill out an application. So I went...then they told me that I have to go online and do it. So they gave me the web address, I went home and applied. I really hope I hear something from them. This would be a good direction for me to go. I don't need to go back to working in restaurants. It is not a good environment for me, and I would just be unhappy. I need a change. But honestly, I would take anything right now.

I really miss hanging out, going out with friends downtown, having some drinks. I have really been wanting to do that lately. But I am not even going to try to do that right now. I hate having to get people to pick me up, and get rides and all that. I just feel like I am losing so much time in my life. That part makes me sad.

If I haven't gotten a job by the time I get my tax money back, I think I am just going to use that to get my license back. Because, not being able to drive is limiting things, A LOT. My mom will only give me a ride to work if it isn't too far of a drive. So that makes it a bit harder.

I get excited when I think about getting back on track. Finally making money, paying off my restitution..even though that will take a million years, paying my mom and step-dad back....and moving on. Being on my own. Getting out of this place.

I guess I am doing alright. As best as I can considering. I just want to put everything behind me. I have accepted that I have really screwed up, I just have to try to fix it.

Probation

So, I had to check in with my probation officer today. He told me I was really behind on paying the money back. I told him I have no income, and I am really trying to get a job. He was like.."Well..what do you think I should do?" I said please at least let me see how my interview goes today. So...he extended my probation from 1 year to 5 years. UGH. I guess at least I wont have to pay so  much monthly, when I do start making money. I really wish I didn't have terrible credit.  I wish I could get a loan. :( I just want to take care of this and move on with my life. Its just...it really feels like there is no end in sight. I know its my own fault though.

Anyway...I have to be at my interview at 2:30. I won't get my hopes up though.

90 days

So, it has been 90 days for me. And it has NOT been easy. I have pretty much just stayed to myself the whole time...a little bit of time was spent with my sister. I pretty much just haven't had a life. But how is it possible to have a life when you are pretty much helpless..no car, no job, no friends....and not worthy of anyones time?

I do have SOME kinda good news. I have an interview tomorrow. I really, REALLY hope it turns out well. You have no idea. But...with my criminal record..I don't think it will. I also have to check in with my probation officer tomorrow. At least I have the interview news to tell him. I am sure I will have to take a drug test. This will be the first time I won't be worried about failing it.

I have been having a lot of thoughts about what all has happened these last few years. Some of it I can't believe. A lot of it is remembering just how incredibly sad and alone I felt. And abandoned, lost.. I had pretty much given up. I didn't care. I didn't want to be here. The high was all that I DID care about, and it was the only thing that did make me happy. Funny, since it really made everything so much worse.

These past several months, I have felt so lost, so stuck in a rut, with no way out in sight. But I think things will get better. They have to. A job is the first step. I so hope I get one soon.

I hope everyone is doing well...  

:-)

43 Days

It's been 43 days of not using. Amazing. And I feel ok. Besides my personal issues. And they are much more obvious now that I am sober. I am unhappy. I need a job. I need a life. The only life, and fun I have..is with my sister. Which has totally caught me off guard. But she has really helped me out, just by spending time with me. I am ashamed of my life. I need to become a better person, build a life for myself. I just celebrated my 29th birthday. Wow...29. I am just not sure how I feel. But I AM sober.

I havent even really felt like updating later. I just don't have much to say.  :(

I am going to bed now...

Not sure what to think..

Ok..so I have not talked to me ex in about 11 months. He broke my heart terribly. I went through a lot of pain and suffering, a lot of stuff happened, and he got another girl pregnant. I thought we would be together forever. When our breakup happened, I emerged myself in the drugs...thats all I could do to forget the pain and sadness. We broke up well over a year ago...I havent even gone on a date or anything with anyone.

Well...I received an email from him today. It weird because I was thinking about him a lot a few days ago. He was asking me how I am and how my family is. He lives with his girlfriend and daughter...he shouldnt be messaging me. It took me SO long to even get close to getting over losing what we had, it still hurts. And now he wants to start talking to me like he cares. It's just not right. I didnt write him back, not even sure if I want to. I know if I talk to him he will want to hang out, and will act like he care and convince me to spend time with him. It will just screw with my head.

Anyway,,I stll havent used heroin, Its been about 3 weeks. I still need a job though,

It i 4 am and I cant sleep   :(

Slowly Getting Easier

So, I have not used heroin in 18 days. It is on my mind at least once a day, but not constantly like before. I dream about it every few days.

I am not doing much though, I have been staying to myself. I didn't leave this house for about 15 days. Finally, my sister came over..we went to the store, then came back home and hung out...joked, laughed..it was fun actually. I hadn't laughed in a very long time. I appreciate her doing that.

Everything seems so far out of reach. I have dug myself a very deep hole, and I don't know how to get out of it. If I could get a job, that would be the first step. If I start making money, and get my license back, I think I will gain the confidence to move forward. But I am having a really hard time. Honestly, sometimes it just seems easier to just give up, to leave this world for good.

But all in all, I suppose I am doing better, without the heroin. Although I do wish I could get high sometimes. But I know that is out of the question right now, and I am ok with it.

These past few years, since I have been going through my addiction, I never treated myself with anything. Well, other than the heroin of course. But I mean, I never bought myself anything, went on any trips, I never really cared for myself.  I just didn't think much of myself I suppose. And unfortunalely, those feelings are still there. Especially when all I think of is...I am an addict,, I was shooting up heroin, lied to all my friends and family, stole, went to jail...how can I feel good about myself and think that I am worth anything? That is my main issue right now.  I think that is why it is so hard to move forward..I have no motivation to do it..what is the point? But I am working on that.

A year ago, I remember thinking that I would be using heroin forever. I didn't see any end in sight. I have gone through so much these past few years..it is hard to think about.  Maybe things will be much different in another year.

So, I have a problem. When I am getting to know a guy, and we are learning about each other, am I supposed to let him know about my problem, my addiction? So many times, I want to tell him, because I want him to truly know me, but then I get scared. I am afraid of being judged and being looked down on. I feel like noone really knows me.

:)

These past 2 days have just been great.  I cannot tell you how different I feel. I finally have some feeling, emotionally. I finally feel good at times, happy. It has been 11 days since I used heroin. It has been at least 3 years since I have gone this long without anything. I have life inside of me. I am getting motivation. I am excited about the future, about getting a job...about getting my license back, getting a nice car, meeting some friends. I have no friends. I have no one that I talk to...noone that I hang out with. I wouldn't know what to do being around people and socializing. But I am excited to get to that point.  But first and foremost, I HAVE to get a job. I have to start paying on this probation.

It is just so unreal to me. I keep thinking of how nice it is, not worrying about being sick. But the thing is, I LOVE how the heroin makes me feel. But the truth is, it is impossible to continue life successfully, and use every day with a habit. I still think about it. I dreamt about it the other day. But right now, I am just thrilled that I FINALLY feel good.  Addiction is pure hell. I was so trapped and lost. Even though it was only 2 weeks ago, I look back at that time and see how terribly sad, and lost, and stuck I was.

I am still not 100% back to normal, of course. But I feel very good. I honestly feel like, if I can get a job....my life is going to turn around. I look back to 10 years ago....and I see now how I was suffering then...with addiction and depression. But I didn't realize I was an addict then. But now, it is all so clear to me. I didn't realize I was an addict until I got to my worst. I thought I just really enjoyed using drugs and drinking. Once I found opiates, Roxis to be exact, I lost it all...and then I found heroin and lost even more and stole straight from my parent's house just so I wouldn't get sick.That is when I knew I was an addict.

I have a lot to work on. And I know 11 days is not much...but considering that I haven't gone this long in 3 years...I am happy.


:)

Hey Everyone

Well..First off...I feel pretty good today! I am still sneezing some, and have very light back pain. I still am feeling anxious. But considering how I WAS feeling...I am so thrilled. I still love heroin and miss it....but it isn't on my mind 24/7. I now think of how shitty it makes me feel when I can't get any. It is terrible. It is holding me back. Just going through the roller coaster of using, finding money to score, trying ot make it last, hoping I can score again the next morning...It is so exhausting. It takes everything out of me, and it consumes me. It leaves me with no motivation to live the life that I used to want. No motivation to be successful. No motivation to live, period. And that is the truth. I do wish that I could use it on occasion, rarely...as a treat. But I don't know how possible that is. But I am not going to think of that right now.

I have a lot to work on. It has only been 5 days since I last used heroin. But I have so many obstacles to get through...all brought on by my drug use.  This probation thing is a big hassle, but it has to be done. I really just need a job.

When I went to my first probation meeting, the officer said he is going to refer me to a rehab center. I haven't heard anything from them yet though. I do think I need it. Because as soon as I start making money, I don't know that I can resist the urge to use.

Hopefully tomorrow I will feel even better. And hopefully soon some positive things will start happening in my life!

This is HARD

Hi. So I have not used heroin in 3 days. But in a span of 2 days, I used 2 lortabs...which is not much at all for me. I am not feeling so hot today. I am having back pains, anxiety, and just an overall uncomfortableness.  Plus, the mental thing is really hard today. I have been searching through this house looking frantically for money or something to trade for drugs. But I made myself quit. I bought a bottle of sleeping pills the other day, but my mom took them from me and just gives me one a night. I could use several of those right now.

I hope so badly that I can get some sleep tonight, and feel better tomorrow. I have got to look for a job, but I just can't do it feeling this way.

I found some myrrh oil in my house. I read that it has been known to have a calming, sedating effect, and can help with pain.  So I took some...anything is worth a try. But it taste so nasty!!

Anyway...that is all for now. I cannot wait until I feel NORMAL, and feel GOOD. PLEASE GOD LET IT HAPPEN SOON.

Struggling a bit

I got some heroin a couple days ago. The highest I have ever been.  I did it all that night. Over these past 2 ays, I have used 2 lortab pills. It has kept most of the withdrawals away. I am all out now though. So I will feel like crap in the morning, I am sure.

I was watching this show called Elementary. This guy in the show is a recovering heroin addict, and seeing him and his temptation, it just made me want to use. But I can't.

When I went to talk to my probation officer, I told him I had a problem with drugs. He asked me what drugs I use...I was ashamed to say it, but I told him...heroin. He just shook his head. He said that once people start using heroin, they never quit, they use it for life. I told him, no...I will quit. He said...no, they never can quit. Wow...thanks for the inspiration buddy. But maybe he is right.

Right now, I keep searching for a purpose, for some motivation. I can't seem to find anything. I have to get through this.

Crying...

So, I forgot to mention..the other day, my probation officer stopped by just to meet me. He saw my stepdads patrol car, (he is a cop). He was aksing about that, and asking about his guns. He said I am already violating my probatoin by being in a household with guns. He asked if I could possibly go stay in a shelter. NO! I can't!   Hopefully we can work something out...

But just now, my parents said they want to talk to me. They were going on and on about all the money I have spent on drugs, and how I need to admit that I have a problem. I DO admit it!! I told them that! They were fussing at me because I plead guilty to the judge without an attorney. I couldn't afford an attorney! They were just really coming down on me.  And saying how I need to open up to them. They were asking me what all drugs I have done. I told them I am uncomfortable telling them. They got mad and said I need to open up. I told them it is easier for me to open up to someone that isn't family. That also made them mad. Then they were going on and on about how they just want better for me and that I am better than this.

I just want to die.


This song really means a lot to me...especially now

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Tired of feeling this way

I still can't believe that after one day of use, I am feeling withdrawals. I could not sleep at all last night. Today, my whole body hurts and I am exhausted.  I could possibly get some more tomorrow, but the thought that it would send me right back into feeling this way the next day is making me aprehensive. I don't know what I am going to do.

Fed Up

I am so fed up. I went 9 days without heroin. And then I use it one day..and then a day later, I feel withdrawals. What the hell? I woke up this morning feeling like shit. Body aches, and sneezing a million times. It is crazy. I hate heroin because of this. You would think that taking a 9 day break, and then using once, that I wouldn't feel withdrawals. I hate it.  Oh well..I just drank a beer, about to drank another one. Hopefully I won't feel much worse than this.

Woke up confused

Well, I woke up very confused. It was one of those mornings where you aren't sure what happened last night.  But then I remembered. I definitely have a headache this morning. I was so high last night. I don't think I had ever been that high. It was crazy.  I remember I was trying to feed my dogs, I was standing at the counter putting food in their bowls. I nodded out for the longest time standing there. Finally I snapped awake...and my poor dogs were laying there so patiently waiting on me....they looked so anxious to get their food. I couldn't help but laugh. But I enjoyed myself very much last night.  I just couldn't really do anything productive, at all. But I had lots of fun.

I had a lot of dreams last night. One, I was with my dad just hanging out. He passed away a couple years ago..I miss him a lot.  In another dream....my mom and stepdad were confronting me and told me they knew I was high...and I was basically in a lot of trouble.  I think I had a lot of dreams like that one.

But as soon as I did that first shot yesterday., it felt like I had no tolerance at all! It was great. I was very pleased, and think I will be satisified for a while. I guess I have to be!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

WOW!~   It was a success!!! Im home, and very high I did just shoot up, now im gonna do the rest. This feels so great, and my tolerance DID lower as I was hoping it would! But I am just enjoying it this one last time tonight. Let me shoot up, I will write more in aa bit!


:)

So...

I walked up to the post office that is right up the street from me. I told my mom I was going for a run so she wouldn't suspect anything.The lady said she could cash the money order, except for one thing...she didn't have enough money in her register to cover it..so she couldn't!! This is a tiny town that I am in...thank goodness because it ended up helping me out.  The lady working told me that the post office a few minutes away would have the money. But I told her I didn't have a car, and couldn't walk that far and make it in time. Then an older lady walked in and started talking to the lady that worked there, apparently she knew her... The worker asked the old woman where she was headed and if she could take me to the other post office. So, she said sure! YAY. So this little old lady took me to the post office and back, and I was able to cash the money order!!!

When I made it back, my mom and step dad were looking at me, like they were trying to see if I was high. Then they were talking to me telling me that I really have to take this probation seriously and get through it and not screw up. Theyre right.

But I am getting high tonight. I have the money. I am just waiting on them to leave..they are going to a football game...then I am meeting my dealer!

Ill write more later.......

So freaking excited.

Well, I checked in today at the probation office. She just told me who my agent will be, and I have to go back on Tuesday to talk to him.

I have been trying to think of a way to get some money. I have had a money order sitting in my room for $100 for about 5 or 6 months now..but it is made out to the court. I was originally going to use it to pay a traffic ticket, but have not needed it yet. So I didn't think there was any way I could get my money back, since I don't have the receipt. Well, I decided to call the post office and ask her if I could. She said as long as my name is in the "From" section, then I can cash it. YAY!!!! I was so thrilled to hear that. Then I immediately called my dealer. He was happy to hear from me (of course) and was asking where I had been. But I just wanted to make sure that he had some. I will just have to pay him to bring it to me. But I am so freaking excited.  I know, it is stupid. But if I do it tonight, that will give me 3 full days to get it out of my system, in case I do have to take a drug test on Tuesday.  And, I haven't used in about 9 days, so my tolerance should be down. I can't believe this gets me so excited.

Anyway...I will update later. Hopefully I have no problems cashing that money order.

Tired

So, I am guessing that I finally fell asleep shortly after 5. I got about 2 hours of sleep. I woke up feeling half dead. I am just tired, of everything. I wish I could get my hands on some money..somehow.

Oh well. My back is hurting today. This lack of sleep is really taking a toll on me...........

4 in the morning

I am so tired of not being able to sleep. Every night, I can't fall asleep until 4 or 5...and lately I have been getting up around 7 to take care of this court and probation stuff. It is wearing on me. Tonight, I just don't feel tired. I keep thinking about heroin. But it isn't that terrible need, where I feel like I have to have it. It is just excitement of knowing I MIGHT be able to get some in the next few days.

I just had to get out of my bed for a minute. Maybe I can somehow get myself to fall asleep.   Goodnight