Slowly Getting Easier

So, I have not used heroin in 18 days. It is on my mind at least once a day, but not constantly like before. I dream about it every few days.

I am not doing much though, I have been staying to myself. I didn't leave this house for about 15 days. Finally, my sister came over..we went to the store, then came back home and hung out...joked, laughed..it was fun actually. I hadn't laughed in a very long time. I appreciate her doing that.

Everything seems so far out of reach. I have dug myself a very deep hole, and I don't know how to get out of it. If I could get a job, that would be the first step. If I start making money, and get my license back, I think I will gain the confidence to move forward. But I am having a really hard time. Honestly, sometimes it just seems easier to just give up, to leave this world for good.

But all in all, I suppose I am doing better, without the heroin. Although I do wish I could get high sometimes. But I know that is out of the question right now, and I am ok with it.

These past few years, since I have been going through my addiction, I never treated myself with anything. Well, other than the heroin of course. But I mean, I never bought myself anything, went on any trips, I never really cared for myself.  I just didn't think much of myself I suppose. And unfortunalely, those feelings are still there. Especially when all I think of is...I am an addict,, I was shooting up heroin, lied to all my friends and family, stole, went to jail...how can I feel good about myself and think that I am worth anything? That is my main issue right now.  I think that is why it is so hard to move forward..I have no motivation to do it..what is the point? But I am working on that.

A year ago, I remember thinking that I would be using heroin forever. I didn't see any end in sight. I have gone through so much these past few years..it is hard to think about.  Maybe things will be much different in another year.