It's been 43 days of not using. Amazing. And I feel ok. Besides my personal issues. And they are much more obvious now that I am sober. I am unhappy. I need a job. I need a life. The only life, and fun I have..is with my sister. Which has totally caught me off guard. But she has really helped me out, just by spending time with me. I am ashamed of my life. I need to become a better person, build a life for myself. I just celebrated my 29th birthday. Wow...29. I am just not sure how I feel. But I AM sober.
I havent even really felt like updating later. I just don't have much to say. :(
I am going to bed now...
I have read your whole blog and hadnt checked in in a while bcz you had not updated for some time. I just wanted to leave you a comment and tell you that 43 days is amazing and you are doing so great!!! I feel we are very similar actually and have gone and go thru a lot of the same things, thoughts, actions, all of it. I just hope one day very soon I can finally get and stay clean. My longest has been about 8 days and then I crack and use. My life is now so destroyed and disgusting to me i find it very hard to even wana try but I guess thats the hard part of H it makes it all so much better and thats why we have such a hard time letting go. I hope you continue to do even better day by day!!
ReplyDeleteHEY. Thank you for reading :) I wasn't sure anyone read this. I am still clean. But I still think about it. In fact..I had dreams all night about it. Sometimes I wonder, am I still clean because I havent gotten a job yet, and don't have the money anymore..or will I stay clean once I get back on my feet? I'm not sure. I guess it is better that I am not using. I dont lie, and hurt the people that care. But I am sad, depressed. Maybe it will go away. You said the longest you have gone without is 8 days. I know how terribly hard that is, to make it that far. I cringe thinking about it.
ReplyDeleteI know how hard it is to get clean. I used to say I needed to, but secretly didn't want to. The H was what made me happy, took away my depression..it was amazing. In fact, I think the thing that finally made me get clean was that I got put on probation, and I HAD to, or I'd go to jail..and it became way too hard to do and live that life, especially not working.
I know it seems like your life is destroyed. :( Because of my addiction, I have lost everything....and still have nothing. And I feel so worthless, and not worthy of anyones time or anything. I feel ashamed. You know what I mean? It is something I need to overcome. It seems so much easier to just get back into the H lifestyle, so completely that I lose my mind, and let what may happen to me just happen..rather than work to rebuild my life. But we can't do that. We have to be strong and be what we know we can be.
I am going to start reading your blog. I really appreciate you reading mine and taking the time to comment. It does mean a lot. And it is nice to know there are people that can relate, because I feel like noone really knows or understands.
I AM SOOOOO sorry that I wrote a book. :( Talk to you later. And good luck with everything. Ill check your blog out ;)