One of the hardest things about my addiction has been trying to hide it. For the longest time, noone knew. I hid it from my family, friends and co workers. I always worried that someone would see the marks on my arms and ask me about it. But noone has.  Eventually I started getting into trouble with the law. Mostly things like shoplifting...and I am currently going throuh something right now. My last job is trying to charge me for breach of trust. I will get into that later. But since I was getting into a lot of trouble..and had been going through a lot of personal issues, my mom and step-dad knew something was going on. Also because I never had any money, and my water had just gotten shut off, couldn't pay for car insurance, I wrecked my car a few times and totalled it...all kinds of crap. So one night, after getting really high at my house and about to pass out, they stopped by unexpectedly. It really caught me off guard. I had needles and drugs and spoons everywhere. But I hid it all really fast. THey tried talking to me to try to find out what was going on. I didnt talk much. I never do. So they didn't get the answers they wanted. After they left...they thought I just had a problem with pills. No way could I admit to them that I was using heroin.

I remember one night I got pulled over for swerving. I forgot all about the huge box of syringes that I had in my back seat. The cop walked up and saw it. He asked if there was any reason I should have syringes. And he demanded that I show him my arms. So I showed him...and yep..there they were...the marks that he was looking for. It was pretty humiliating. He ended up letting me go, after he preached to me about how I need to stop because I am young and beautiful and nothing good will come out of this, and that if I keep on down this road, someone will find me dead with a needle in my arm. He made me cry.

I ended up moving home with my mom and step dad. I told them I was quitting the drugs. Well...I must have left a syringe top out, because my step dad found it. He confronted me and looked at my arms. He was devastated.He said it was much worse than he though. He tried to get me to go get help.I told him I'd quit and I didn't need help.

I didnt quit. One night I was on my way to my dealers house. A cop pulled me over. He ran my name and saw that I had a warrant for a ticket that I never paid! I didnt pay it because I was too concerned with heroin and forgot about it, plus I didnt have the money. So he took me to jail and searched my car.He found syringes and burnt spoons, so I also got charged with drug paraphernalia. I went to jail and spend 8 days there. :(  When I got there, I told them I was going to be sick because I was a heroin user. So they gave me something to help with the withdrawals, but it was still terrible. I was so lonely sitting in that jail for 8 days. So sad and depressed. But it got me sober for a little while. Not very long though.

I realize I don't care about myself. And I find it hard to believe that others care about me. And when people do care about me,  I usualy do something to hurt them or push them away. I don't know why.

Anyway,,,this was pretty random and choppy. It was just on my mind.  Ill write more later