So I did all my heroin last night. It made me happy, of course. Only to wake up to realize I have to live another sober day. Well....I have been using small amounts of suboxone, so I guess it isn't technically sober. But, compared to heroin, it kinda is. I got through the day ok. I really wanted to get some heroin. But, I simply didnt have the money for it. Now, if I didn't have the suboxone, I would FIND a way to get some heroin. But thank goodness, I have this crutch to help me. I REALLY want to get some tomorrow. And I know I shouldn't, but I almost just dont care. I dont have the motivation to completely stop, even after all the hell it has caused me.
I remember not long ago, when I had actually planned out that I would overdose on heroin. It was when I just got out of jail, so I was forced into sobriety. I was so depressed, and was craving SO incredibly bad. I planned to kill myself. I even wrote out a letter and everything. I was so unhappy. When I finally got my hands on the dope, I did a huge shot. It knocked me out pretty good, I remember feeling nervous after I did it. Then I passed out. I woke myself up in the middle of the night because I was gasping for air. Then I fell back asleep. But I ended up waking up the next morning, with a terrible headache. So I guess I didn't do quite enough. Oh well.
I think I am just as addicted to the needle as I am heroin. I will inject a lot of things....as bad as that sounds. I take a lot of sleeping pills too..especially when I dont have any H. So I will definitely be taking some tonight. But see..I am actually excited, because deep down, I think I will be scoring tomorrow. :\ As long as I have been using H, and I still get excited..crazy. Even knowing that I have nothing to show for myself because of it. What is wrong with me. Addiction I guess.
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