Well, I woke up yesterday, and did a TINY bit of suboxone. I went to work, and was actually having a pretty great day. Half way through the day, my mind just had to switch to heroin. Once I get my mind on the thought that I really want some...it is hard to get it out. I decided, fuck it. I will come up with a lie as to why I wouldn't have any money to give my mom. And I came up with a pretty good one that worked. 

So when I got off work, I called my dealer from the work phone. Right now, I don't have my license..a result of my heroin use. So I had to ask my dealer to meet me somewhere. He is always real sketchy and worried about the cops. So he makes me walk down the street from where I work, and eventually he comes by and swoops me up, we ride around the block, do our business, and then he lets me back out. Then I walk home. Luckily it isn't far from where I live.  As soon as I got the heroin in my hand, I felt guilty. It had been 3 days for me that I was sober. Now I know that isn't much, but for me, it is a big deal.  But those guilty feelings went away. As I was walking home, I stopped at the Hardees and used their restroom. I was anxious to try just a little to see if I would even feel it, since I had used a little suboxone. I actually did.  Luckily I didn't use much suboxone at all. So I finally got home, talked to my mom for a bit, then went straight to the bathroom and cooked up a nice shot. I did almost the whole half gram. I saved just a little for when I was about to go to bed. It felt nice. My tolerance has definitely gone up lately, so it wasn't as good as I wished. But oh well, it definitely made me feel good. Sometimes I shoot up my dope with a sleeping pill..it makes it more intense. So later that night, I did the last of my dope mixed with a sleeping pill. Then I got on the computer thats by the kitchen. My brother in law was here, and lept inviting me to church. Not what I wanted to hear. I noticed I kept nodding at the computer, so I figured I better go to my room before someone notices. SO I spent some time on the internet in my room, kept nodding..then finally just went to sleep.

I woke up feeling ok. Just bummed because I knew I didnt have any heroin. It is so aggravating. The whole game. Making money, hopefully enough to get what I need...buying it, shooting it...then running out. I hate the whole running out part! Obviously. It is just a continuous cycle that will never end if I dont just QUIT using. But I enjoy it so much. I still have some suboxone. So I am going to try to lay low for a while. I feel fine now..so I am not going to use my suboxone until I feel like I really need it.

Anyway...So I guess today starts over as day 1 sober. Here we go again.