Hello World

I know noone really reads this, but it feels good just to get some thoughts out. I have always been one to keep a journal that I write in, but I have thrown all my journals and writings away and no longer keep an actual journal on paper. The reason for that is because it is supposed to be private. And I know my family snoops through my stuff, and there are plenty of things I don't want to share with them. Even just some thoughts that I don't want them to know.

Anyway. I am not sure how I feel.  Two days ago I had to go to court. I was being charged with breach of trust, a felony. I went ahead and plead guilty. There was a possibility that I could go to jail for nearly 5 years.  I was worried, because I do have a few other convictions from my past. But luckily, I got probation for 18 months, and I have to pay restitution and fees, which is pretty close to $9000 total, but will be broken down into monthly payments. That is a lot of money. But I know I have spent way more than that on my drugs. Tomorrow, I go  check in for the first time and meet my probation officer. I wonder if I will be drug tested on my first day?

I haven't used heroin in 8 days. I woke up this morning, and thought to myself..."Wow, I actually feel...NORMAL..."   When I was using constantly, I remember just looking at other people, coworkers, friends...and just seeing them go about their business, all smiles and happy, just being normal and sober...and I would try to remember what it was like.. not having to worry about making sure I always had another shot lined up. Making sure I had the money, etc. But, now I am there. I still have a few body aches. But today is the first time I have finally felt 'normal'. Oh, and it is weird. In the past, any time I try to quit, I would dream EVERY night about heroin, and would wake up wanting it very badly. But this time....these past 8 days...I haven't had one dream about it until last night. But in my dream I wasn't able to get any, and then I woke up.

But, I still want some heroin very badly, but the cravings are not as bad as they used to be. I want to get high, but the fact that I can now be drug tested is weighing heavily on me. I will get high again soon though. Very soon.

I guess that is all for now.  I need to try to get some sleep. I get to report to my probation officer tomorrow, yay.

GOODNIGHT