Well. the past few days I have been in my heroin fog. Buying heroin, getting really high, running out, getting more. A few days ago, I had my dealer bring me some to work. This stuff he has had recently has been a little stronger. So I did most of it at work. Usually I can hide the fact that I am high.. But when I did this...I kept catching myself nodding out at work. I could barely keep my eyes open. Someone even told me I looked fucked up, but she thought I was just tired. But I was feeling really good, and really happy. Then all that came crashing down. About an hour and a half before my shift was over...I overheard my coworker saying that our boss just told her she had to take a random drug test today. I was thinking..."Well..I haven't heard anything yet, so maybe I haven't been chosen..." Then my manager called me to the office..he told me I had been selected for a random drug test today, and I had to do it in abut 30 minutes. OH MY GOD. I was freaking out, but trying to play it cool. I tried to get out of it by saying I had to baby sit and had to be at my sisters....but he said if I don't do this now, I will be fired. :( So what was I to do?..Refuse to take it and be fired?....Go ahead and tell them I would fail and probably be fired?...or Just take test and see what they say? I KNOW that I failed it. For crying out loud, I just did a shot of heroin an hour before I took the test!? OH AND LETS NOT FORGET, I just smoked some crack with this homeless dude 2 days ago! Stupid, stupid me. When I was about to pee in the cup...I thought about pouring some water in it to dilute it, and hope that it would not be able to test correctly. Then I remembered they actually test the temperature right after I give it to them, so that wouldn't work. So I just said, SCREW IT, took the test, and let that be it. I had to work yesterday morning. I thought for sure they would tell me I was fired when I went in. But they didn't say anything, so I guess they didn't have the results. I go in at 3 today. I KNOW they have to have the results by now, so most likely I will be fired tonight, I am so nervous. I really need to make money. But what is crazy...right after I took the test, I went and bought some more heroin and did it. Even yesterday after work, I got more. But that is it. It has to be. I am about to be fired. And don't have any money..so I just took some suboxone. I had to tell my mom that I took a drug test and will probably be fired. I didn't hear the end of it. :( Just a huge disappointment.
I am also in some trouble with my last job. I got caught up in a scandal where we took old gift cards that were in the restaraunt...and then cashed them in for money and took the money. It is a long confusing story how we did it...but we ended up getting caught. So I am about to be charged for breach of trust. I am just waiting on my court date. But I just found this out..... After it happened..I had talked to the manager, and begged him not to press charges. He acted like he might just drop it..then I didn't hear anything from him for a while...then a few months went by and I was arrested for it and spent the day in jail. They let me go, and now I am just waiting on the trial. Well...I was on the computer just now..my sister left her facebook logged in, and I read something that she wrote to a friend ( I know, shame on me). But she was telling her friend that my step dad called my old manager and practically begged him to continue wtih this and press charges, because they think this might be the only thing that will help me. So they want me to go to jail. I guess I can understand, they are worried. But it really hurts my feelings and makes me angry that he would do that....it makes me sad. I feel like I have no one to turn to. But I know, it is my own fault. I have done all these things myself.
I remember before i went to jail, my mom and step dad were talking to me. My step dad is a cop by the way. They kept begging me to tell them who my dealer was. But I wouldn't tell them. Then they went on and on about how my dealer does not care about me at all, he is not my friend, he is just taking my money and ruining my life, and how they are so mad at him for doing this to me. All I could say was.."It is not his fault"...I mean really. Yes, he sells the drugs. But it is more my fault than his. If he didn't give it to me, I would try to get it somewhere else....he is not forcing me to use heroin.
Anyway. So that is what has been going on these past few days. I am feeling pretty nervous about going in to work tonight. I wonder what all they test for on those tests. We will see what happens....
Michele
ReplyDeleteShit !!! that is bad news!
There are ways of fucking up the tests & cheating but from the sounds of it, they knew, & it would only be a matter of time anyway. It's impossible to keep things like this a secret,once you've been caught it's not long before everyone knows, especially if your sisters on facebook telling the world !
Unless something drastic happens soon, there's one thing you need to learn, TAKE A SMALL HIT before work, just enough to get you through, & then then take your nice hit once you're home! It's a matter of survival - you need work if you're gonna continue with your habit, the only other choices are dealing, prostitution,or crime of some sort & I wouldn't advise any of those options, but hey it's your life !
PS. I've never met a cop that I could trust, I know there's a few good ones out there BUT THE LAW SUCKS & IT'S THEIR JOB TO UPHOHLD CRASS LAWS ! But that's politics.
Take care Michele X
thanks for your reply. Yea, I was thinking that maybe they were on to me, and singled me out...but they made 4 of us take a test. He said it was random. But I do think they know at least something. And yea, I am so pissed that my sister is running her mouth. I feel like such a black sheep. Between her and my mother talking shit about me behind my back, and me findind out, it just hurts. You are right, I should just take a small hit before work. And that is what I used to do. But over time, it gets harder and harder to wait for that next hit. And sometimes, I just stop caring, and just want to be fucked up. That is not good though.. anyway, maybe this will be good...maybe I can get sober...
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