I am feeling pretty helpless to this addiction. This anxiety that I feel when I don't have it...then the excitement and happiness I feel when I do have it. It is such a roller coaster. I will make up any lie, make any promise, if I think it will help get me some. Is this going to go on forever?
I was about to take a break, and use my suboxone. Then my dealer told me he was getting some "brown". He said I shouldn't do as much, because it is a lot stronger. Of course, this MADE me want to try some. So I got some yesterday. It was so much better. Today I woke up....thinking about it. But I knew I had no money. So I called my dealer, makeing excuses for why I don't have money, and begging him to front me. I am sure I sounded so desparate. But it worked. He is going to front me some. I have given that guy so much money, it won't hurt him to help me out a little.
So I will be getting some in the next hour. Not as much as I would like, beacuse he won't front me that much. But any is better than none.
Every day is the same in this life as an addict. I feel like I am stuck in repeat. The same day, over and over. Everyday, wanting some heroin....doing whatever I can do to get it, then finally getting it just to run out and have to do the same thing over. I am going nowhere with this. And I never will.
Unless you do something about it now, the years will just pass you by.
ReplyDeleteI understand-only those in it will understand..and it's not that damn simple to get out! Every day I am in the rat race-every day is the same- thinking about it. I don't even want to wake up if I don't know I don't have any or if I don't have any money. Sadly, yes, this will continue if we don't take control-only if won't continue, it'll get worst-getting caught, sick, death, etc......it's not if-it's when something will happen next. But yea I know what you feel-the excitement, the pure joy of knowing you're about it get it....I know.
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