Well Hello

It has been over a week since I have posted. The last time I updated, I was worried about the drug test that I had to take for work. I know that I failed it. But my bosses have yet to say anything to me about it. So I am very confused. Does it really take this long to get results?? I have still been scoring heroin every day.  Sometimes I take a step back, and look at my life. Just yesterday, I was thinking, "How in the hell did I get to where I am today?  A heroin addict." I can't believe where I am at in life. It is pretty disappointing. I know what I need to do in order to fix it, I just can't seem to find the motivation to do it. I suffer severely from depression, and I seriously feel like I need the help of something to get through every day. And right now, the heroin is what helps.

So every day I am anxious and on edge, expecting to get fired. But it hasn't happened yet. Every morning I call my dealer and ask him to bring me some heroin to work. Then I call him again when I get off work to bring me some more. Every now and then I ask him to give me some on credit. I always pay him back the next day. Yesterday I asked him to front me some on credit, and he did. I didnt work today, so yesterday I told myself that I would use my suboxone, and try to get off the heroin. I knew I wouldn't have money today, and I knew my dealer wouldn't give me anymore, since I already owe him, so I knew I would HAVE to be without heroin today and figured I might as well use this to try to get clean. When I woke up this morning, I decided to just ask him if he would give me more even though I owe him. I decided that if he wouldn't, then I would just go ahead with the suboxone, but if he would..then I would hold off. I seriously thought he wouldn't give me any. But go figure, he said he would. I know it is not his fault for me not quitting, but everytime I am about to quit, I always test him to see if I can get more out of him, and he always gives me some. When I met him today, he yelled and cussed me out because he is tired of me calling him so early every morning and wanting me to meet him in the same spot, blah blah. I didnt care, I was just glad to have the heroin. I was feeling so very sick this morning. It is so amazing how that shot of heroin will immediately take away those awful sick feelings.

So that is it. Everyday at work I call him, and then sneak away to meet him to get my heroin. It stresses me out, because I have to rush, and worry and hope that noone sees me or notices that I have been gone. Sometimes I think I enjoy living with chaos in my life.

I saved a tiny bit of heroin for in the mornig. I will try to hold off and not call me dealer so early so I don't piss him off. But I may not be able to at all if they decide to fire me tomorrow.

I still have not gotten my license. All I have to do is pay some fines, but I haven't done it yet because I spend all my money on heroin. I feel guilty every day. Guilty that I am behind on some important bills, guilty that I am lieing to everyone.  I don't know what to do. I don't have the strength to quit. I don't have the strength to get through life completely sober.  I need some motivation. I use to think I was so strong.