So...I have been feeling pretty guilty lately. My sister had her first baby about 3 months ago. They had been trying to have one for a while..and she actually had a miscarriage a couple years ago. Well...she was thrilled when she finally gave birth. I am currently staying at my mom's. She has been coming over every day just about with the baby. She spends all day here. Now, most of the time, if I am here, I stay in my room. Just because I feel uncomfortable around them, I feel like an outcast, and I just like being alone. Also...a lot of the time, I am high. I come out every now and then, but don't say much. Also...I don't interact with the baby much. I am uncomfortable around babies...don't know how to treat them. Seeing other people coo over them and kiss them all over makes me very uncomfortable. I don't know why. But lately, I have been trying to play around and talk to the baby...I can see in my sisters face that she likes that. And my mom has made comments about how I dont want anything to do with the baby, blah blah. So..I feel bad about that...especially after a couple weeks ago, when my family sat me down to talk about my addiction. They found out about it right at the beginning of my sister's pregnancy. As they were talking to me, my sister told me that when she got pregnant, and found out about my drug use, she prayed to God to help me, and to help me get better. She said she prayed and said to him "Please dont let me have this baby if Michele is not going to be here and be well and happy...please help her" And she said when she made it the full 9 months and gave birth, and he was ok, she knew that I was going to be ok. It made me cry. I didn't think she really cared like that. And to hear her say that, it felt good in a way.
Ever since that talk, noone has said anything else about it. My family is strange, in that we dont talk about anything serious or personal. We just act like it isn't there. So it took a lot for them to sit down and talk about this stuff. I am so uncomfortable living here with my mom and stepdad. Me and my step dad dont ever talk. It is awkward. That is one reason I stay to myself. I am not mad at him, or dislike him or anything. I just stay away because I feel like he is aggravated with me...like I am a burden. And I feel he is probably mad at the things I have done and put my mom and him through. I just hate feeling like I am a problem.
I haven't used heroin in over a day. I just did a little suboxone..my back is killing me. It hurts inside, like it is my liver or kidneys or something.
Anyway...That is all for now.
I don't know what I would do if my family found out about my addiction. I would rather OD and die than be caught. I remember when I OD'd and got sick off some other pills and I never confessed to what it really was causing me to be sick. My parents could hardly handle my years of drinking. I don't think I'd put them through any more pain. I like your posts btw..glad to have "met" you!
ReplyDeleteGlad to meet you too! I know...I was the same way..I NEVER wanted them to know anything about my addiction. I would have rather died too. For the longest time, I kept it hidden. They finally started finding out, and it was absolutely terrible.
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