King Heroin

So, I was just thinking...how much things have changed ever since heroin has come into my life. Now, nothing is nearly as important as it is. I used to be so independant. I lived on my own, paid my own bills, had my own car, phone, very responsible and very trustworthy. Now....I have a criminal record, I currently don't have a license, I have gotten fired from 3 jobs, I am staying with my mom for the time being, I don't have a phone, and my family doesn't trust me. But I can't blame them...I have done some pretty crappy things. My stomach turns when I think of all the stuff I have done or the people that I have hurt, just so I could get high. Sometimes I have to block it out, or it makes me feel absolutely terrible. Now...every now and then, when I am really wanting to get high but can't...thoughts cross my mind of what I could do, who I could con..or whatever...but then I think back to the things I have done....and it stops me from doing it. I am ashamed. But I guess not ashamed enough, because I still use, and I still lie about it. If I had my way...I would use every day all day. I wish I could. And honestly, if it weren't for my immediate family...I would probably be either living on the streets strung out, or dead. Every time I get really deep into my addiction, they pull me out and snap me out of it. Which just happened recently. Right when I started this blog...around a week ago. I was using everyday, spending all my money, being useless. I ate dinner with my mom, step dad, sister, brother in law, and grandma. After we ate, they sat me down and said they need to talk to me. My stomach immediately turned. They confronted me, and said they know I am still using. My step dad pulled out my bag he found with my needles and spoon. They kept lecturing me, telling me how I am hurting myself, and they dont want to see me hurt. They went on about how I am helping my drug dealer buy all his nice things, leaving me with nothing, and that my drug dealer isn't my friend. blah blah. They said I need help. I said I WILL NOT be sent away somewhere, and that I have not been doing it every day. I told them  I just have no motivation in life, and that having goals will help me. I told them that I feel like I have noone that I can talk to. Which is true. They said I can talk to them. Well....lets just say I am the black sheep of the family. I CANNOT talk to them. They dont understand. I told them that having a counselor or someone to talk to would help. My grandma made me promise her that I would stop. In the end...we decided that after work every day, I would give them the cash that I made...that way I wouldnt be tempted to buy dope with it. Well...immediately, I started thinking of ways to get around that...I started thinking that every day I will keep 10 or 20 dollars...and on the 3rd or 4th day, I could get high. Will I ever WANT to completely stop? I am starting to think that that day will never come