Homeless Man

Well hello. It is 2 in the afternoon. I just woke up. I have been working 3rd shift over the weekend. Now I get to go back to 1st shift, thank goodness. Over the weekend, while I was at work, late in the middle of the night, this man walks in the restaurant. He was really tall, scraggly, skin and bones and really skinny. He was carrying a few bags with him. He was obviously homeless. He started talking to me, asking if I wanted to buy some stuff that he had. He had several packs of cleaning supplies/wipes. I bought a pack for $2. Another customer bought a pack off of him.  There was a customer there that had been flirting with me all night. The homeless man ended up talking to him, and sitting with him for a while. The man was saying how he is trying to make money to buy food. I told him I could give him some soup. So I did, he was very appreciative. The other guy ended up buying him a sandwich, and some cigarettes. Then off he went. He was very nice. Well..last night, in the middle of the night, he wandered back in. He looked at me and said, "That soup sure was good last night and I am awfully hungry.." I said, "Yea, I can get you a little more!" So he sat down and ate 2 big bowls of it. He seemed so hungry. It made me feel good to help him. I just wish I knew more of his story. But I didn't want to be nosy.

Last night I bought some more H off of my dealer. The other day he told me he is selling coke now, if I ever want any. I am done with my coke phase. It leaves me feeling too strung out. I was bad on that for a while. Well...I got my bag from him last night, I was feeling pretty dope sick at this point. I went to a bathroom, and fixed up a small shot. The shot looked awfully different..more milky and cloudy. Immediately, the thought ran through my head..."What if he accidentally gave me a bag of coke instead!?"  Well..I did the shot just to see. Then I walked to work. I didn't feel the initial rush like I usually do. When I got to work, I started talking with the other girls....I was just talking nonstop, happy, feeling good, but heart racing...and just chatting nonstop. All of a sudden, I realized...."This WAS coke!" I was pissed. But it took away my dope sickness. I called me dealer telling him I am pretty sure he gave me coke. He said to do the rest of it, that there may be a small amount of coke that he accidentally put in there, but the big rock that was in there was H. Well...I didnt do any of the rock yet...so I figured I would check. So I did another shot, from the rock. And he was right. It was H. My pupils were pinned...but the feeling wasn't as intense as usual. I have wondered what it is like to shoot heroin and coke together. I didn't like it..it took away the good feeling of the H. I don't like that wiry feeling that coke gives.

SO anyway, I got to bed around 7:30 am. I was feeling a little sick when I woke up. I did a shot from my cottons...I feel ok now..but soon I will have to do some suboxone. I hvae the urge to have one more BIG binge, and then cut back for a while..for real this time. So dependng on how much money I make tomorrow, I will either do that binge tomorrow or the next day.

THinking ahead, to a life without heroin, doesn't sound appealing at all. Maybe I can learn how to live without it.