For half a second, I felt the urge to use this time to really try to quit injecting these hard drugs into my veins! I mean....it can't really go on forever can it? If so, I will be living at home with my mom forever. How will I be able to afford a life?! I KNOW that I need to quit, I just don't want to. Then, that is when the whole, "It would be much easier if I was dead" factors in. I love heroin. I love how it makes me happy, it takes away my sadness. When I don't use, I miss it tremendously...almost like it were a person. I love how good it makes me sleep. I love how outgoing it makes me. I love how content and happy with life it makes me. But I hate how it makes me spend all my money. I hate how it makes me sick if I can't get any. But I hate the anxiety that I feel without it. I really believe heroin could be a treatment for depression. If it were legal, and prescribed, I might be a very successful person...but then again, maybe not, since I am an addict. Would I be able to control my doses? Probably not.
Anyway, I have been thinking about my past a lot lately. I really am trying to figure myself out. Trying to figure out why I am the way I am. Some of it is really starting to make sense....but I won't get in to all that right now.
Today was day one again. Well...maybe not. I did try to get something from a cotton. I didn't feel anything..but I am not feeling as sick as I should. What the hell....I will still call it day one. I am thinking about ordering some syringes offline.I am just worried about when it arrives....would my parents be nosy enough to open it?...what will it say on the package?.....I dunno......Before I got arrested, I had a box of 100 syringes n my car. I went to walmart to buy a 10 day supply of syringes (they usually always sell it to me), but this one time, the lady told me she could only sell me a whole box without a prescription. So, of course, I got the whole box, which was 100 syringes. It was nice having that many on hand! But, when I got pulled over, and taken to jail...the cops searched my car and took them all/ :( Oh well.
Anyway...my goal is to make it 4 days.That will be a great start for me. The longest I have gone lately is 3 days. But without having any syringes on hand....it will be much easier. The thought of buying some coke to snort is already crossing my mind. My god. I do have a problem. I have always said I want to feel any way but normal...but it is not healthy.
I can relate to you entirely! I live with my parents and because of my drug use I can't afford to live on my own at all. I can't even get a regular job that does drug tests because of my usage. That's why I have to take jobs that don't pay or that are dangerous. Honestly, it's such an evil struggle.....I love heroin but I hate what my life has become because of it.
ReplyDeleteyep..its nice knowing there are people out there that can relate. :) my family just doesnt understand
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