I haven't posted in a couple days, simply because I have done nothing good. :( It is so easy to persuade myself to do the wrong things. A couple of days ago I was feeling positive, and ready to get some clean time started. I made it to day 2. I had to go to work that afternoon..right before I went to work, I decided I wanted some coke...so I called my guy to see if he could meet me. He explained that he hardly had any coke left, but he would have it later that night..and he says.."You don't want to just go ahead and get your usual bag of H?"..I told him no..because I don't have any syringes...and I only shoot it. So that was it, and we hung up. Right as I hung up...I started thinking..well..I could just get some and try snorting it to see if it is worth it. I have always felt like sniffing it was a waste...but I have also always had syringes on hand. So I called right back, and told him I wanted to get some after all. I had just taken some suboxone too....so I wasn't sure if I'd even feel it. So as I am waiting on him to bring it, I am cursing myself..thinking.."I am so stupid, I can't even go a full 2 days?!..." I don't know what comes over me. Once I start thinking about it, I start to think..."what will it hurt?...I am only getting a little bit.." And then there is no changing my mind. So I got my bag...sniffed most of it. It definitely didn't compare to shooting it. No rush at all...but the effects just slowly came on. And then later, I started getting a slight nod...but nothing too extreme. I was happy to feel it, considering I took some suboxone! So, the next couple of days, I bought at least a half gram every day, sometimes more, and snorted it. And now, here I am. I just took some suboxone because I am not going to get anymore to sniff. It takes so much for me to feel good off of it. But last night, I did order some syringes online. So they should be here within a week. So I am hoping I can get my tolerance down, and when I finally get my syringes...and get some H, I will be very happy. I think I am going to set a deadline...a date for when I am going to quit. Maybe August 1st?....Not sure yet.
But yea... I just don't know if I can ever convince myself to truly quit. But if I don't, something bad is bound to happen
Hi Michele
ReplyDeleteTo stop using over night would be nothing short of a small miracle. Setting unrealistic goals which are more or less unobtainable can break your morale. Set yourself targets you know you can do ! Take it one day at a time! The important thing is that you want to stop.
take care michele. x
Setting goals is something I have never done. I have used a needle when using H but I mainly sniff it. I don't know how to get a vein good enough when shooting so I think I waste it by shooting because I just end up skin popping. You have a job, why did you steal? I don't have a job..that's why I stole. Not saying anyone is correct in their addiction but....and I am NOT saying I can quit forever...no one knows that. All I know is that I was very unhappy when using. I felt like heroin was a huge weight inside. I was a slave to h. I didn't even want to wake up the next day if I knew I didn't have any. It controlled and controls everything in my existence and I HATE it. My dealer told me when I first met him not to get into this. I honestly wish I never started. Think about quitting.....trust me I HATED the withdrawals and I hardly was able to go 2 days, 1 day, without feeling the need for more or at least a sub. Why Aug 1 for a goal? Why not tomorrow? Why not NOW? ONE DAY AT A TIME. Seriously...figure out WHY you use in the first place! You will NEVER quit if you don't figure out WHY you are using. Why are you hurt? Angry? I know why I use/used so I am solving my reasons and my anger. Try quitting again-do you want to hurt your mom again? Keep stealing? Keep hurting your soul and lowering your morals and keeping that weight in you? Your dealer wants your money. He will never say no to you. Thankfully the people I know want me to quit-but I'm no fool-they will still take my money. Only YOU can help yourself. Only you can get out.
ReplyDeleteemail me scarlettraven44@gmail.com and honestly im glad that you started reading my page here. it really sucks to feel alone in this. and i choose to be alone because I would rather die than let anyone i know find out I do h. u know?
ReplyDeleteHey. I started stealing because I was living on my own...paying rent, utilities, a car payment, groceries. I wasn't making enough money to pay for all my bills, and support the amount of heroin that I was using at the time. And I ended up getting fired...and then lost my house, wrecked my car, and had to move in with my mom. That is when I was at my worst and started stealing from my own mom. I was always a very trustworthy person..but once I got really hooked, and would begin withdrawing...I would do just about anything to get that high and escape from this world. The more I stole and did wrong...the worse I felt...so in turn, the more that I wanted to get high to forget it all. It is a big vicious circle.
ReplyDeleteI have been trying to figure out why I use. I am not real sure..other than my heart is just completely sad and broken. I have been depressed for as long as I can remember...but when my dad died...and then the love of my life left me...things got worse. There are a lot of negative things that have happened that have made me who I am...and made life difficult...so I am not sure if it is all of that combined...or what. I just know I like it because it makes me happy and makes life seem ok and I am able to get through the day with a smile on my face when I am high. I really kinda feel alone, and that noone in this world truly knows who I am. That may be my fault, because it is so hard for me to open up and talk to people.
But anyway...thanks for reading my blog and commenting. I really appreciate it! :)
hey well if you want email me. if you don't want to that's fine but i'd really like to talk. yea same thing for me-it was worst when i would withdrawal and i resorted to stealing money, selling things just so i could get well. you really are the only one that knows about my issue. that's why i wanted to talk not just on here but through email.
ReplyDeletewhat is your email
ReplyDelete